An Open Letter to Random Men Who Try To “Connect” With You On LinkedIn

Dear Sir Who I Absolutely Do Not Know,

I knew what I was dealing with the second I got the notification. Joe Blow. Middle-aged, cheap suit, loan specialist. Excuse me dear sir, but have we met, let alone professionally? I do not think I’ve even met someone that’s seven degrees separated from you. I’m more likely to have mutual acquaintances with Kim Jong-Il, and I don’t even know anyone from North Korea.

John, I did not join LinkedIn to get hit on “professionally” by random men who could potentially be my father. As tempting as it is to add you just so I look better networked, I learned far before my debutante that it is better to not know someone at all than to know a middle class loan specialist.

But worst, instead of just allowing me to ignore your invitation and move on with my day, you had the audacity to send me a follow-up message. You explained to me in said message that you’d be happy to be a professional OR personal resource for me. How very Bill Cosby of you.

Like what the fuck did you think was going to happen here Joe? Did you think that I would anxiously pen back: “Joe, thank you so much for taking time out of your clearly hectic day to connect with me, and then vigilantly send me a follow-up. There is nothing I would love more than to ‘connect with you on a personal level’—just by taking a glance at your professional profile I can tell that we would have a lot of levels to relate on. Plus, in case my trust fund runs out, thank God I now know a loan specialist.”

Yeah, I didn’t think so either Joe.

I do not know what kind of sick world you live in, but I did not make this LinkedIn account so that you could contact me. At best, I have a LinkedIn so that potential employers can see that I’m not only smart but also hot.  At worst, I’m checking my LinkedIn to “lol” at the fact that ________ from high school still works at PacSun. But one thing I sure as hell am not doing on LinkedIn is spending my time denying connections from various random men like you.

There may be a home for you on Joe,

The Betches


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