Punk’d: Ashton Kutcher Takes Full Responsibility For Donald Trump

On Thursday, Republican Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump was in the middle of kicking some black people out of a rally in Milwaukee when suddenly, Ashton Kutcher ran out onstage, grabbed the microphone, and screamed “HEY AMERICA, YOU ALL JUST GOT PUNK’D!” He then pulled a flesh-colored mask off of Trump, revealing a harsh, metal cyborg underneath. Kutcher then assured the crowd that this whole thing was a “huge fucking joke,” and that he never thought it would escalate past selling Make America Great Again hats online.

“When I found out that Hey Arnold! and all these other TV shows were making comebacks,” explained Kutcher, while wildly punching the air. “I thought, ‘This is the perfect time to bring back the greatest show of all time: mine!’ But I knew we had to do it bigger than we’d ever done it before. So I thought to myself, ‘Who would be the biggest person to punk, someone we’ve never pranked before?’ And then I thought, ‘Why does it have to be one person? I can do better than that. Why not go big and punk the entire American public?’ And then I thought, ‘Holy shit Ashton, you’re a fucking genius, you’re the smartest and funniest man alive!!’ And then I went out and bought a bunch of trucker hats, for old time’s sake.” 

Those in attendance at the rally were disappointed, clutching their semiautomatic rifles and shedding tears on their camo clothing. One woman had to be taken to the hospital, where she is in critical condition suffering from shock.

“You mean, we actually have to treat colored folks as equals? Say it ain’t so!” she whimpered before being wheeled off to the ICU.

The reactions elsewhere were slightly more positive, ranging from the video of Kutcher’s stunt being shared countless times on Facebook to parades being held in the streets of several more liberal cities. Meanwhile, the Republican party is still scrambling to figure out the right course of action. No official word yet, but sources say somewhere in a remote cabin in Alaska, Sarah Palin sat back and smiled.


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