Like my new favorite heroine, Chanel Oberlin so eloquently put it, “I love PSLs even though they make me obese.” Unless you’ve ever been a vicitm of the PSL, then I wouldn’t expect you to understand this kind of suffering. How do I not consume something that literally feels like it completes me? Back when it all started, somewhere in 2003 I believe, the PSL would haunt my dreams. With its 380 calories and whipped cream, and dash of nutmeg on top, it chased me down until I was doomed to wind up on an episode of some TLC show about fat poeple that nobody watches. It was fucking terrifying.
Thankfully, I was able to soothe my fears of having to shop at Sears for the rest of my life by purchasing pumpkin scented things instead. The day I found out that I could combine my love for the PSL with my love for expensive skin shit was a glorious one.
Yes, I’m aware that all of these products are fucking ridiculous. But so fucking what? If you’re going to get through this fall season without coming out the other side obese, you need them.
1. The Ridiculous Pumpkin Body Wash
Hell fucking yes I want my body to smell like pie. IDGAF if that offends you.
2. This Ridiculous Pumpkin Chai Hand Soap
Although orange doesn’t really go with the Feng Shui in my bathroom, I stopped giving fucks about color schemes when I noticed the words “pumpkin” and “chai” in consecutive order.
3. The Ridiculous Pumpkin Mask
Exfoliation is key when you’re not trying to look old AF by age 30.
4. The Ridiculous Pumpkin Hand Cream
Annoyed that it’s organic, but whatever.
5. The Ridiculous Lip Cream
TG for Burt’s Bees.
So yeah enjoy these products while we wait another decade for Starbucks to put out a sugar free version. (For fuckssake through Starbucks, it’s been 12 years, Haven’t we waited long enough?)