This episode, in a rare change of events, didn’t make me want to kill myself. Who are we kidding? We’re all 20-something women that are too heavily invested in a show on Freeform. We all need Jesus. Or wine.
Spencer gives all the liars necklaces with their names on it, saying she wants to put them first and they are a “dysfunctional little family.” Good to see she has time in between running away from murderers to fucking order shit on Etsy.
Everyone is like “omg ditto friends forever” and toasts to Aria getting married to their old English teacher. Aria swears to god they are all gonna be in her wedding. Like, get stalked together, die together amiright?
Ali goes to look at the bill and it’s a poem about how they killed Snaggle. Honestly zero stars on Yelp, the customer service here sucks. They’re like AD knows we killed Snaggle—fucking obviously. AD knows when you guys take a shit, you think he missed you murdering someone?
AD: I know you kill Snaggle you dumb whores. Also that’ll be $70 plus gratuity.
Suddenly cops come in and everyone is on edge like, ARE THEY HERE FOR US?! Jesus, not everything is about you. Kim, would you stop taking selfies, we’re picking your sister up from jail.
Emily’s like “I work here, I’ll find out what happened.” That’s like the least badass “I got this” ever.
EMILY: I know the owner!
EVERYONE: You doooooo?
Everyone is j chillin in the lobby and Em tells them Sara Harvey died. They all are conflicted between fucking breaking out into the running man in celebration or like, being empathetic.
Jenna is crying and Hanna’s probs like “if she’s blind, how can she cry?” or some other moronic shit like that. They’re like FUCK JENNA AND HER FUCKING TEARS. What a bitch, mourning the dead girl like that? I mean, who does she think she is!?
Apparently Sara “tripped and hit her head in the shower” and the Rosewood PD, who has investigated like 10 murders with the same kind of demographic and everything is like “sounds good to me, case closed.” Whoever wrote this show hates police.
The police just fucking cart a body bag out in the lobby like NBD and right when Sara passes the girls, her burnt-ass hand falls out. Because that happens. *rolls eyes in back of skull*
Emily’s ex just died and she’s like 3,2,1 OKAY I’M OVER IT!!! She tells the Liars about Jenna’s laptop and how she has a Charlotte file on there and Spencer immediately, in a room full of cops, is like WE MUST STEAL THE LAPTOP.
Emily and her mom are having a full-on conversation while jogging about her Mom’s birthday. I also have Emily’s workout pants so like, don’t talk to me I’m famous. They decide to spend a birthday at everyone’s favorite place—the old nuthouse-turned-restaurant where a girl was just murdered. They must have some kick-ass cocktails because I would literally rather go to an AppleBee’s.
Spencer sees Toby talking to Jenna and is like SO WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH JENNA BRO? Toby’s like don’t drag me into this I’m pitching tomorrow.
Toby’s tells Spencer that Jenna is looking for forgiveness and flashbacks to them watching fireworks in some cabin in the woods. Idk, poor people stuff.
Jenna starts crying about how she can’t picture shit in her mind anymore, including Toby’s crater face. Why does anyone want to picture that? Count your blessings. girl.
JENNA, SINGING THE WEEKND’S SONG: I can’t feel your face because I’m blind, and I hate it, and I hate it
He’s like here, feel my fucking face and Jenna’s like tongue out, ready to suck on Toby’s lizard lips. Toby’s like THE FUCK BITCH? This is Rosewood, not Westeros!
The flashback ends and Toby gets a call about some sketchy shit going down at his trailer. Which like, he should expect. He lives in a fucking trailer.
MD and Ali are painting the walls and are like WE HAVE EACH OTHER NOW. Hugs and kisses. They hear a door slam and it’s Jason, who is looking damn fine, can I just say. Long hair, don’t care.
Jason’s like “oh hey Mary, get the fuck out”. Bye Felicia! Apparently Jason is Ali’s caretaker now.
JASON TO MD: Look at me, I’m the captain now
Ali’s like “why are you so mean to MD?” and he’s like uh she locked you in a hospital. Did you like, forget that whole thing, or…?
He asks her why he wasn’t invited to her wedding and she’s like well we got engaged at a coffeeshop and had my dumbass friend marry us, so that’s why. Also, you weren’t there, so like, ya snooze ya lose.
Ali begs Jason to get to know MD and Jason looks like he would rather chop off his own testicle.
Spencer is with Yvonne, who apparently is hurt. We all knew she was hurt mentally because she willingly lives with Toby in a trailer, but now it’s a physical thing. Spencer’s there, watching over her ex-boyfriend’s fiancée, ya know, normal stuff.
Aria and Ezra are already planning their wedding and Ezra suggests eloping. Aria’s cool with that whereas I’d chop my boyfriend’s dick off if he even suggested it.
Hanna breaks into Jenna’s room and starts rummaging around very fucking loudly. She’s blind not deaf, Hanna. Caleb comes into the room and is like “I’m the newest hotel security”. Mighty fine job you’re doing, someone was fucking murdered on your first day.
He doesn’t think Sara’s death was an accident and he’s going to help Hanna break into Jenna’s lockbox. Wow, that was quick.
Aria and Ezra decide to elope in Rome and Aria’s like “isn’t is suspicious that we’re gonna leave to Rome right when another girl died?” and Ezra’s like “pish, posh!”
Jason texts Aria wanting to meet up. She goes to see him and Jason’s like “you look great” and Aria’s like “fuuuuuuck so do you” and slowly twists her ring off. JK, that’s me. Anyways, she tells him about the engagement to Ezra.
She asks Jason if he told anyone about them, so clearly they fucked at some point. Lucky bitch. Anyways, he’s here because he needs to help Ali because she’s way too cool with MD. Who is obviously a fucking liar. He also tells Aria that Snaggle stole all the money from the Caresemi Group—ya know, Jason’s sketchy-ass business that does god knows what.
Meanwhile,Emily is waiting tables and someone holds up a $100 tip. She’s a lesbian bartender, not a stripper, Jesus. Who is it? Noel “Sexy Motherfucker” Kahn. He’s like “Hey Emily, I always knew you’d never get out of Rosewood.” I am Noel Kahn whenever I go home—snarky as fuck to my former classmates and here to fuck shit up.
Apparently Caleb is a man of many talents and knows how to be a masseuse. Get you a man who can do both. He’s giving Jenna a spa day that she says the hotel comped for her—damn, I wish someone would get murdered at my hotels.
Caleb is digging through Jenna’s purse because being blind fucking sucks and he finds the key to her lockbox. Caleb gives her the key and Hanna’s like “lol you can turn the lights on in the spa, she’s blind!!!!” Our total blind jokes for the night is at 3. We’re like 12 minutes in.
There’s no laptop in the lockbox, just papers all in code. They take pictures of the papers when someone comes in and puts a burnt file in the lockbox while Hanna and Spencer hide under the bed. Obviously, it’s Noel. He calls someone and is like “IM RUNNING OUT OF TIME AND PAITENCE” and starts fucking kicking shit. Damn Noel, being absent for 3 seasons changed you.
Emily is serving her mom dinner like a fucking redheaded stepchild when Spencer texts her telling her that Noel broke into Toby’s RV to steal MD’s file and beat up Yvonne in the process. They keep calling the trailer an “Airstream” which is like, the type of trailer, but they need to fucking stop. It’s a fucking trailer. Don’t sugarcoat this shit. Airstream makes it sound like it’s supposed to connect to my iCloud.
EVERYONE: Stop trying to make Airstream happen! It’s never going to happen!
The world’s fugliest and loudest bridal party comes into the bar and it’s like, what’s the point of this? Who’s like “bachelorette party at a fucking restaurant?!” No one ever.
Emily’s mom is talking about how she misses her dead husband and Emily’s like hold on, gotta check my texts. Emily’s mom says she feels like she can’t have fun without him and Emily’s like ya whatever *sending emoji to Aria*.
Emily’s like “remember when dad ate 6 pounds of sushi that one time? He loved life! And loved us!” What does that have to do with anything? How is that helpful? Like, ah yes. He did love Shrimp Tempura, so he must love us.
Noel Kahn is at the bar and cheers Emily. You know that ain’t good. Then bridal party “sends over drinks” and I’m like DON’T FUCKING DRINK THAT. This dude fucking tortured you, he’s not above drugging you and your mom. Of course, no one listens to me and they drink it.
And Emily’s mom is suddenly over the “can’t have fun” thing and chills with the bridal party. Well, that was fast.
MD, Ali and Jason are all chillin awkwardly with some wine. Jason’s sober and wants to die, which is how I feel every day at work. Of course, Jason invited Aria to dinner and Aria actually fucking shows up.
They proceed to have the world’s most awkward dinner ever with Jason being like I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HER, I’M NOT GONNA CALL HER MY AUNT, EVER, NOT EVEN IN A FIRE!!!
Aria and Jason are like she’s trying to steal your money and Ali’s like why would she still be here? Idk, maybe because that would look pretty fucking suspect if she just bounced?
MD comes out with food and Jason is like “how fucking dare you make beef wellington? My mother made beef wellington!!” How dare you breathe air, my mom breathed air!!! He asks about the necklace and Ali lies for MD saying she gave it to her.
Aria calms Jason down by putting her hand on his and Ali’s like holy shit, physical contact. They’ve totally fucked.
MD says Jessica forbade her from coming back to Rosewood but she saw Jason a few years ago when she was hiding in the house. They flashback to MD asking Jessica about Charles and how he’s dead and Jessica is like “omg your kid is dead, get over it, you’re such a drama queen!!!”
Jessica tells MD that Charles was her son and that she can never come back and MD says that Jessica locked herself in the storm seller until she left. And now I guess she’s addicted to crack.
The only thing everyone heard from that story was “storm cellar” and we all know what’s about to go down.
Aria tells Emily about her elopement plans and Emily’s like “cool, I’m a bartender that no one wants to date!” Always the bridesmaid. Aria’s like OMG YOU HAVE TO BE THERE and Emily’s like “I’d rather not.” She tells Aria to like, go get married and stuff and they’ll break into the cellar without her.
Emily’s like “in 20 years you’re not going to remember the storm cellar!!!”…unless this show never ends and they do like a 30 years forward where the girls are getting stalked while driving their kids to soccer practice. Holy shit, this is my nightmare.
Hanna and Caleb are talking about how they must have missed something in MD’s file and trying to crack this code on the papers. Caleb notices her ring-less finger and Hanna’s like, oh yeah, that happened.
Hanna’s says that “losing someone you love is like losing a limb” and is of course talking about Caleb. This whole plot line of Hanna and Caleb gives me whiplash. Seriously, just get married and get this shit over with.
Spencer comes in to check on Yvonne—again, does no one find this weird? If my BF’s ex was at the hospital with me I’d be like “how convenient” and fucking break her arm in the waiting room so she could get immediate treatment. I’m a giver like that.
Toby’s like the “only thing they stole from the trailer was the file!” and it’s like yeah, because you live in a trailer. Not like they were trying to steal anything valuable.
Spencer like begs him to leave and says that NO ONE IS SAFE HERE! He can tell she’s lying about something, but he’s just like ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Toby then shows up to Spencer’s and she looks like she saw a ghost. You used to fuck him Spencer, it’s not like you’ve never fucking seen him before. Get it together
Toby tells Spencer he started building the house for her and Yvonne just kind of showed up. But then she got hurt and he can’t imagine life without her. I hope you don’t plan on telling Yvonne this.
TOBY’S WEDDING VOWS: So anyways, I was waiting for my ex-girlfriend to love me again and you showed up and I was like, dope. Then I wasn’t sure if I loved you, so I waited until you had a dramatic experience and I was like, k cool.
Spencer starts crying as he tells her they are going to Maine to start their family and repopulate the lizards of that great state. So is Toby off the show? I have some theories but I’m sick of typing so I’m not sharing.
They finally go to find the cellar and Hanna’s like pointing to the trees like “where is it?” It’s not the fucking Tarzan treehouse, you idiot. They find the cellar and obviously someone’s watching them.
Jessica or whoever has a file on each girl except Aria, which is suspect AF. Like, why would they take Aria’s? Like, why now, why this sperm?
They find MD’s medical files and see that Jessica authorized electroshock therapy. Ali now has come to the realization that her mom was a cunt. They also find out that MD has a second child that would have been the Liar’s age by now. I’m calling it—Noel.
Also, that must have slipped MD’s mind over that joyful dinner they all had.
Meanwhile, Ezra and Aria are packing to elope when someone from the FBI shows up. They tell him Nicole might be alive, and Ezra’s like “well we had a good run!” to Aria.
Back to the cellar—Jessica has pictures of all the girls, mostly Ali. She clearly has a big, lesbian crush on her. Ali’s like my mom buried me alive and knew I lived! She never stopped searching! WTF. This isn’t some Hallmark movie moment—your mom fucking buried you.
Their car alarm goes off and the keys are gone so they all have to get inside the car so it goes silent. Why would Spencer leave her fucking keys in the car? Isn’t she the smart one? I have so many questions.
Of course, they get locked in because A is like, a fucking car expert too. How is everyone so fucking skilled but also so dumb? There is a countdown clock going and Hanna’s like we’re gonna blow up!!! And she’s too young to die! So many things she hasn’t done! Like inevitably gain 70 pounds the moment she traps a man into a marriage.
They don’t blow up, because again, this is Rosewood, not Westeros.
AD leaves a message saying if they find him/her out before they find Charlotte’s killer, they die. What? That’s like a very weird way of doing this whole thing. Like, why don’t you just try and not get caught?
Then AD blows up the fucking storm cellar. Ali’s like “THE MEMORIES OF MY HORRIBLE MOTHER, GONE!” This is the fertility cellar of the Ndebele tribe, doesn’t that mean anything to you?
Someone starts writing on the fog of the car and says “I see you.” Not sure how they’re gonna get out, so looks like next episode takes place in Spencer’s car.
Whoever AD is has Aria’s and Noel’s file and sets Noel’s on fire. Oh—it’s lit.