Pretty Little Liars Recap: This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Two Of Us Lesbians

Hello again. You all know I hate this show. You all know it physically makes me ill to watch and then subsequently have to spend hours of my day writing about this show. Let’s just cut the crap. Unfortunately, I’m way too invested into this fucking show and I’m also like, way too funny to not be writing these. So here we go.

Aria is acting weird AF since that proposal from Ezra. She obviously was like “nah” and now she’s stressed. To be clear, she’s not stressed about the fact that she’s a murderer and she’s being hunted by a murderer—she’s stressed over a boy.

Hanna thinks Snaggle might still be alive and I’m like, please god no. Please don’t bring his fractured, saber-toothed face back into my life. They’re like “there was someone who looks like him driving a car! How can that be possible?” Isn’t this show like the poster child of mask making? I feel like that’s a pretty logical solution.

Spencer practically yells that they murdered someone and they all wonder how everyone knows they’re goddam business. They think AD or whoever might be helping them cover up the murder, but like, why would AD do that? Like that’s just against the rules of psycho-murderer-ism!

They’re like, “if AD is Jenna, then she could be grooming Sara to become her new seeing-eye dog!” I imagine the PLL writers have a bet going as to who can slip in the most blind people jokes into an episode.

PLL WRITER ONE: I’m gonna call her a chic Helen Keller
PLL WRITER TWO: Well I’m going to call her “a fuglier DareDevil”, so there!

Ali walks in wearing that fugly red sweater that you would see on one of those ladies with the red outfits and purple hats, and they’re like WHERE DID YOU GET THAT JACKET? and she says it was a gift from AD.
ALI: This red jacket is all that fits me right now.

Spencer is like “we thought you were guilty so we turned you in, don’t you understand???” Ali is like YOU THINK HANNA IS WORTH MORE THAN ME? I’M JUST AS PRETTY AS HANNA. I’M JUST AS SMART AS HANNA.

SPENCER: See, this is why we thought you were a murderer.

Spencer’s like, “don’t worry dude, Hanna murdered the guy in charge, so it’s all gravy.” That’s like, sooooo reassuring. They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but two murders makes a fucking party amiright?

Mary texts Ali and says the cops are waiting for her and Spencer’s like “oh goodie, I’ll tag along.” The gardener from The O.C. (I knew I remembered him from somewhere!!!!)/the old Rob Lowe says Snaggle is actually Archer Dunhill, some thief from England. Which pretty much only made me think of this:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall you sound like you're from London

Basically, Snaggle’s an international sneaky fuck/before poster in your dentist’s office.

Spencer is asking questions like it’s her fucking case and the cops are like, totally answering her. Any other cop would be like “the fuck, bitch?” But this cop isn’t a regular cop, he’s a cool cop.

He says that they think everything—the rental car, the train ticket, etc.—was a distraction so the police won’t find out what really happened. Can I get a slow clap for the Rosewood PD? Finally they got some real officers! What a time to be alive.

MD is like “omg why” and it’s like bitch, you know why. He’s not done trying to murder y’all! The detective/Gardener is like “we’ll catch him” and I’m like “lol lemme know how that works out for ya.”

Spencer goes to clear the air with the gardener and is like “I obvi didn’t know you’d be a cop and come back to anally fuck my murder plans.” She doesn’t want to be a conflict of interest, but that ship has left the harbor, dude. He asks if Ali is holding back and Spencer is like “omg no! She would never!”

Aria is listening to a desperate voicemail from Ezra. I only get voicemails from my dad and my dentist’s office confirming appointments, but whatever.

Aria texts Hanna needing advice about this whole proposal thing, because you should always call you local murderer for some guidance. Hanna still has Snaggle’s phone and it rings. Some British dude gets on the line and is like “next time you bury someone, make sure they’re dead!” Obviously this is not the real fucking Snaggle, but Hanna has the IQ of a brain dead Chihuahua and thinks it is.

Aria is wearing a sweater that could be found either a) on a homeless person in the 80’s or b) your local Goodwill. She’s talking to Hanna who wants to call the police because the guy she murdered is like, totally not murdered. #FirstWorldProblems

Meanwhile, Emily sees Sara go to the third floor of the Radley and learns that Jenna is staying in room 303 because the room service guy practically screams it. Everyone just fucking yells everything in Rosewood. Also, can we start a GoFundMe for the Radley workers to get new uniforms? Whoever said suspenders was the new belt was seriously disturbed.

Spencer goes off by herself to visit the Lost Woods resort which we all know is not a good idea to go in the woods along when people are trying to murder you. Like have you ever seen a horror movie, literally ever? The first scene is *girl walks in the woods* then *girl gets head chopped off in the woods*.

She’s talking to Aria who’s like “be careful” and Spencer’s like “I broke in once, I’m fucking James Bond.” She goes to “break in” and literally just opens the door. That’s it. And then MD is there with a crowbar. Oh, it’s lit.

MD’s like “Snaggle is fucking after me, bro” and Spencer’s like “could you just like, chill for a sec?” MD like doesn’t even care that Spencer’s there and is just like rambling on about how someone is going to kill her.

And can I just say, the “Lost Woods Hotel”, which looks like a fucking shed on the outside, looks like a 5 star hotel on the inside. #moviemagic. Also, I’ll take the bait and say something smart: If you’re so concerned for your safety, why is the door unlocked? If you’re from Africa, why are you white?

They hear a bunch of cans rattling and MD’s like “HERE’S THE CROWBAR GO SEE WHAT IT IS” and Spencer’s like “okie doke.” Of course, there is no one there. MD’s like “k I’m gonna need my crowbar back now.”

Hanna’s like “why couldn’t we be those less hot, boring people?” And Aria’s like “ugh we would hate being those murder-free peasants.”

HANNA: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Aria tells Hanna about the proposal and says she told Ezra she would think about it. She doesn’t wanna marry him because they killed someone and they’re having this conversation LITERALLY ON THE STEPS OF THE POLICE STATION.

She doesn’t “wanna get married if she’s like gonna be behind bars” because she’ll def have to become a lesbian in there if she wants to survive. Too much baggage.

Aria’s like “If you and Jordan can make it work then we can” and Hanna’s like “about that,” and throws her ring into the bushes, like a low budget Titanic. She tells Aria that the ring isn’t real while Aria is as shocked as Damien when Cady Heron broke the Spring Fling crown.

Damien Mean Girls

She tells Aria that she should say yes to Ezra, while a random-ass police officer is watching them.

HANNA: So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it’s just plastic, it’s really just… (throws the ring)

Ezra is j chillin’ when Caleb shows up. He says he doesn’t know what’s up with him and Spencer and Ezra’s like “eh, don’t care.” Caleb’s like “do you ever get the feeling that the girls are always fucking lying to us?” and Ezra’s like “wut.”

Emily goes to deliver drinks to Jenna and Sara—ya know, the two girls who wanna murder her. Jenna is just playing the flute casually and this party fucking sucks.

Emily takes advantage of the blind girl (obvi) and goes to look at Jenna’s computer while Jenna is like, right there. Turns out Jenna has a file about Charlotte and a website about a rental car in Baltimore. So the whole thing is pretty sus.

Sara comes in and catches Emily who’s just like, standing there. Why did Emily think that would work? Like, didn’t you go “huh, I wonder where the girl with eyesight, that I know is up here, is?”

Emily’s like I KNOW YOU’RE THREATENING US! And Jenna’s like you fucking interrupted my flute practice for this shit?

Sara professes her love for Emily and basically tells her that they’re not threatening the Liars; they are looking for Charlotte’s killer too. Jenna is like SHUT IT SARA and tells Emily to mind her own fucking business.
Emily says she wants the truth and Jenna’s like YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH and the proceeds to tell her what I assume is a lie.

She says Charlotte was her friend and that she helped “Archie” and Charlotte get together. In a flashback, Charlotte is asking if Jenna found her birth mother. Apparently she’s a blind detective—I think that’s spin-off worthy.

Charlotte told Jenna that Archie is going to get close to Ali and convince her that Charlotte is doing better so that Charlotte can be let out of Radley. Charlotte’s like “he knows everything about me and he still loves me!” He knows you were born a man, you killed and tortured people and you used to make out with your brother/cousin/whatever, and he still loves you? Still a better romance than Twilight.

Emily’s like “how did you become her friend?” Jenna’s like “oh I read about her and hunted her down because I’m a big fan.”

JENNA: OH MY GOD Danny Devito, I love your work!

Jenna’s like “but hold the fuck on—I CALLED HIM AND YOU GUYS ANSWERED.” So maybe Jenna should call the cops on the Liars. Ah, the tables, how they have turned.

Sara, the worst actress ever to exist, tells Emily to be safe and that she cares about her. Which is such a change of pace from the past two seasons where Sara has tried to get Emily killed. Emily’s like I’m not afraid of Jenna and Sara’s yeah, no one is. She’s fucking blind. The only thing you need to be afraid of is her driving a car. Just as she’s about to spill who Emily should be afraid of, Jenna yells for her.

Spencer and Caleb are hanging out and Caleb apologizes, saying he’s confused. Spencer says she doesn’t regret dating Caleb, she just wishes he would die in a fire.

Teresa Giudice Shrug

She talks about how when Toby and her broke up she couldn’t feel attracted to anyone, until her best friend’s ex came around. Then suddenly he was lighting up her board, if you know what I mean.

Spencer is like IT’S AWESOME THAT I FEEL THIS SHITTY!!! And tells him it was nice to remember being in love again. This sounds like a bad Taylor Swift song. And no breakup sex? This isn’t even realistic!

Alison is playing with a necklace after telling MD she went through her shit because MD tried to steal some of Ali’s mom’s stuff.

Ali wants to know Charlotte why called herself CeCe Drake if she had never met Mary Drake (MD) and MD’s like “my murdering crazy baby did that?” and tears up. She acts like she just sent her kid to college. She said she doesn’t know where Charlotte got that name, but she’s like, so flattered she was considered!

She shows Ali her pregnancy scar, like wtf, and is like “yup, this is where they ripped Charlotte out of me.” She describes it like Charlotte was born a fucking demon. MD says Jessica took her son (which remember, is Charlotte, keep up please) and that Jessica steals everything from her. Poor Ali now has to come to terms with the fact her mom is a cunt.

Aria goes to Ezra’s in that fugly sweater and is like “I want to marry you, but…” She’s pulling a JoJo and is like “I wanted it to be you!” Aria tells Ezra about the murder because hiding a felony from your hubby isn’t very wifey material.

Ali’s drinking wine and bitching about how Charlotte lied to her and betrayed her and it’s like, what did you expect? She’s actually a diagnosed psycho. Emily’s like I’m sorry about ratting you out to A for murdering Charlotte, my b, and then leaves, while that weird cop who is someone in a mask is watching Ali’s house.

Mean Girls

Spencer and Hanna are in a park late at night, sitting on a swing set, drinking and talking about boys. This is shit I did in high school. Spencer tells Hanna she didn’t have to lie about her engagement and to pursue Caleb. Wow, she got over that real quick.

Hanna tells Spencer about the dream she had about her in AD’s lair and is like you make me smarter and Spencer’s like shhhh never speak. AD’s phone rings and they answer. The British dude is like “first you turn her in, then you leave her all alone? Stupid bitches.” I’m honestly digging AD’s vibe rn.

Hanna calls Ali is like are the cops there still? Ali’s like yeah….? Spencer tells her that her dead husband might come back to murder her, so she needs to like hang out with the cops. Ali immediately invites the cop inside as all of us viewers shake our head and drink wine saying “you done fucked up.”

You fucked yourself real good

The cop disappears and Ali goes to find him in her room. He spray-painted the wall with “Honey I’m home” and then fucking attacks her. Ali’s like HOW DARE YOU SPRAY PAINT MY HOUSE! THAT’S MAHOGANY!

Whoever it is, Ali rips part of their mask, and she says Snaggle’s name. He ditches when the cops show up, but not first after trying to strangle the fuck out of her.

ALI: Is this a weird husband-wife BDSM thing? Cause I gotta say, I was into it until you shoved my head into a mirror.

Aria tells Ezra that AD might still be around after the attack and Ezra’s like “oh you didn’t murder someone? That changes things.” Which is like the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to consider before marrying someone.

Ali starts playing mood music while Emily tries to help her. Ali’s like “he put the jacket in my room because he knew I would break away and be alone” and apologizes to Emily for getting mad at her for falsely accusing her of murder.

Ezra proposes to Aria again and Aria’s like OMG YES. See kids, you can fuck your teacher and have a happily ever after. This is like a very inappropriate Nick Sparks book. Forbidden love and someone dies. I’m just waiting for Ezra to get diagnosed with cancer (another staple of the Nick Sparks books).

Sara Harvey is dressed like a lesbian bank robber and packing her shit real quick. She has places to go and carpet to munch. She opens the door and someone is waiting there for her, so that’s not good.

Spencer and Hanna are, again, alone in the woods and go to AD’s grave. They decide to dig this mother fucker up and discover, yup still dead.

Back at the Radley, housekeeping is there listening to headphones, which everyone knows means she’s gonna find a dead body. And wouldn’t you know it, she finds a very dead, very dykey Sara Harvey. You won’t be missed. Buh bye now!

The episode closes with AD reviewing his casual video of the girls uncovering Snaggle’s grave and panning out to a pile of Charlotte’s books and letters to AD.

AD TO CHARLOTTE: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.


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