Pretty Little Liars Recap: Marriage Pretty Much Equals Death

Sorry this recap is so late but your girl was out of town for the fourth because I’m a goddam patriot, and I didn’t get a chance to watch. Obviously I’m the only person who can write these things, so whatever. Great things take time you impatient fucks. Also, #freedom.

First off, we learn that Hanna buys a fake ring to sport after her breakup with Jordan. She also has a bunch of burn marks on her back and Aria is like WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE??

She asks if Hanna got those while in A’s lair and Hanna tells her to kindly fuck off.

Emily says she thinks MD and Snaggle know each other and that maybe they are working together to be AD or whatever. Wow, look at you, Emily. Spencer over there has a degree from Georgetown and she can’t even figure this shit out.

Aria’s like NO WTF SNAGGLE LOVES ALI. Yeah, just about as much as he loves his Invisalign.

Emily’s like “look, Alison is going fucking crazy and I’m not a college graduate but there seems to be something happening” AKA, Snaggle.

Everyone starts mulling over the evidence presented and they’re like huh, maybe Snaggle isn’t a good guy!!! and Emily’s like I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR FIVE MINUTES YOU FUCKING WHORES.

Emily tells them that Ali’s strapped down like a rabid animal and they’re like, well that’s not ideal. Hanna’s like “oh we’ll just talk to someone in charge and let them know what’s going on.” Sounds simple enough—it should work!

Aria’s like “REMEMBER WHEN I MARRIED THEM and they liked each other?” Not everything is about you, Aria, you selfish trashbag of a human.

Spencer goes to talk to Toby and see if he can find any connection to MD and Snaggle—using both his cop skills and his giant nose to sniff out the secrets.

Elliot goes to drug Allison and she puts up a damn good fight. Left, right, left! She clearly was not punching hard enough in SoulCycle. But Snaggle wins and straps her down, drugs her, and puts a mask/muzzle over her face… dude this episode is about to be LIT.

Emily gets a bartending job at the Radley to start today. Is she even qualified? She can’t even keep track of her own eggs. #tbt to last season, the season of plotlines forgotten.

Aria asks Hanna is she’s okay after she acts all jumpy and she’s like please don’t ask me that. Ugh, such a diva.

Hanna: yeah well I got kidnapped twice so…
Aria: Yeah, but remember I did. Me.

Emily asks the stoner waitress out to dinner, even though last year Emily fucking stole from her. Coffee Girl is like, eh I know you’re a fucking liar and I don’t dig that. And Emily’s like WOW THIS IS BULLSHIT. YOU BETRAY SOMEONE’S TRUST ONE TIME.

Okay, one cute outfit for Spencer, you go Spencer.

She goes to Toby’s trailer—lol I’m still not surprised that the creature lives in a trailer. Yvonne is there and Spencer’s like g2g forever.

Yvonne is like, not so fast bitch. Yvonne wants to know what Spencer needs from Toby and if she can tell her. Dream big Yvonne, my little croissant with cheese. You ain’t finding out shit.

Yvonne is like “Don’t let him disappear, we have family coming over!”—to where, your trailer in the woods? Turns out Toby and Yvonne are engaged! Yay! I give it 3 episodes.

Spencer’s like okay serious g2g forever, gonna go cry now, and never gives Toby the files.

At the hospital, the head doctor says they weren’t aware Snaggle was treating Ali? What the fuck? I’ve seen better management at a bake sale put on by sixth graders.

Aria is like, “look, we think he is abusing her and if you don’t go check on her I’m going to fucking light that shit up on Yelp and no one is gonna get a goddam checkup ever again.”

Of course when they go to check on Ali she looks like a goddam angel, but there are hella bruises on her wrists. Does no one notice that? Look, look with your special eyes!

He hands the doctor some bullshit medical report and gives them a close-mouthed smile—oh thank sweet baby Jesus. I don’t need to see his teeth. But it’s also a “don’t fuck with me” smile.

Spencer tells Caleb about Yvonne/Toby getting engaged and he’s like oh, cool beans.

Spencer is like “I’ve really wanted you and I forever” but he’s like “hmmm, I’m making a sandwich”

Spencer: So what’s up with you and Hanna?
Caleb: mmmm lets play the silent game, I’ll start.

Spencer is like did something happen that night? He says Hanna was scared so he comforted her, with his fucking tongue… amiright? Caleb tells her that they kissed and he’s like IT WAS LIKE TIME TRAVEL. Well okay Marty McFly, that explains it.

Spencer asks if that was all it was, or if Caleb still has feelings for her and he’s like, bitch I might be.

Jason calls Spencer and says that he knows nothing about Ali being in the loony bin, but like, it’s probs what’s best for her. Like, I bet she feels so at home.

Spencer is like I DON’T WANT TO INVOLVE TOBY and Emily is like WOAH THAT’S NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE. Uhm, I don’t think it’s yours either? Like idk maybe it’s just me but it seems like Toby’s choice. Let me know what you think.

Emily’s like “Ali’s life is in danger and it’s our fault!!!” and Spencer is like, nah it’s hers because she’s a fucking murderer. DUH. Emily, shut up and go make me a goddam drink.

Spencer starts ranting about being on a hamster wheel and it’s all Ali’s fault—EVERYONE LET’S JUST STAB ALI.

Aria’s like, “well we’re not 100% sure she did it” and Hanna’s like, ”well she still doesn’t deserve to be tortured”. Awkz, Hanz was def tortured.

Everyone’s like we gotta bust Ali tf out of that hospital. They decide to look into the locked trunk in Snaggle’s bedroom, thinking maybe he has some shit he doesn’t want seen. Like his retainers.

Emily miraculously still has a key to Ali’s house. Being a stalker really comes in handy on this show. Emily also steals something out of Spencer’s bag. Pretty sure it’s MD’s file. Emily- part time lesbian, part time community college student, part time thief.

Spencer and Hanna leave Aria to go break into another person’s house while they talk boys!

Spencer’s like, “how is Jordan?” Hanna’s like, “oh peachy keen.” Spencer also tells her about how Caleb told her about the kiss.

Hanna is like “Caleb is the past and Jordan is the future and today is a gift that’s why they call it the present” and Spencer’s not buying it.

Aria’s in the house and gets into the locked trunk. She takes all the shit out of its perfectly placed position and takes pictures of it. Why wouldn’t you just leave them there and take the picture? Aria, there are more efficient ways of doing this. You should have fucked a photographer, not an English teacher.

Of course, Elliot shows up when Aria is still in the house. Aria tells the girls to stall him while she takes pictures of each medicine one by one.

Spencer and Hanna are shit-talking Elliot and he’s like, “whatever hoes.” He tells them stop pushing, otherwise he promises it will be bad for Ali’s health. Woah, Threaty-McThreat pants.

Aria puts everything away and takes a picture of some kind of bill and somehow manages to get out of the house before Snaggle comes in the house. But of course Snaggle sees them pick up Aria and figures something is up.

Snaggle: Bitches, bitches everywhere.

They are all like Ali should have never married him, and it’s like fucking duh, but Ali didn’t have a plotline otherwise.

The liars look at his bank statements and see that he and Ali stayed at an Amish bed and breakfast. Sounds like my fucking nightmare.

Aria’s like, let’s drive up there! Omg roadtrip!!! She thinks they can see if they can find his family in Amish land.

Hanna and Aria get to Amishville and they lose all service. Everyone knows bad things happen in places Verizon can’t reach.

Aria tells her that she dumped Liam for Ezra and Hanna’s like cool story, Hansel.

Aria keeps pushing the torture thing and Hanna flips out and is like “I can’t talk about what I went through in the cave because I’ll cry forever.” Just let it the fuck go Aria.

Meanwhile, it’s her first day on the job and Emily’s already making phone calls during her shift. Jesus H Christ. Of course coffee house girl shows up, and Em is like, omg so awkward.

Emily’s like, fuck it. I’m gonna tell her I like her. Rip of the lesbian band-aide if you will. Dude, for a girl whose best friend is being tortured in a mental hospital, she sure does have a lot of focus on a romantic relationship. #Priorities

Of course after Emily gives a riveting speech about how she wants to scissor, Coffee Girl’s girlfriend shows up and it’s painful to watch.

Hanna and Aria are like, well Amish town is a bust. And then suddenly a creepy Amish girl follows them. Alright, this is the beginning of every horror movie.

They go to look at Amish furniture, because Aria’s really in need of a new butter churner, and the creepy Amish girl walks by and Hanna follows her. Why do they always do this shit? Why?

She says she’s not allowed to talk to the “English”, which is bullshit because I’ve been to Amish town and they def talk. I even let one listen to my iPod. #2010

They find out that Snaggle is def not from this town—what, cause the fucking fact that they are all Amish and he isn’t didn’t give it away?

The Amish girl is named Eliza and she’s like “you look like the dolls Charlotte gave me!” and proceeds to show them all the dolls that are named after them. Of course, Ali is her favorite because she looks like Charlotte. Barf.

Charlotte to Ali rn: You know what they say about you? They say you’re a less hot version of me!

Eliza says that Charlotte and Snaggle came to Amish town on the reg and she caught them kissing. Eliza omg you gossipy little betch.

They are like well obviously Charlotte was still cray if she is naming dolls after us. I mean, yeah maybe.

Spencer and Emily figure out that Snaggle was making latex—like something to be used for masks—and had blue eye contacts. They figure out that he must have been using it to make himself look like Wilden to freak Ali out.

Coffee Girl goes up to Emily and is like, “that girl isn’t my girlfriend, she’s my ex. She’s like so obsessed with me. I can’t even.” But she decides to give Emily a chance and they briefly hold hands. Oh wow, such a thrilling romance you have going.

Aria and Hanna are trying to figure out why the fuck he would marry Ali and then they see a cattle prod. Hanna remembers that A used to fucking burn her and starts crying. Damn A’s a sick dude.

HANNA: Just buy me food and we’ll call it even

They now are positive that Snaggle was the one torturing her and is obviously A. Finally, we’ve all come to that conclusion now.

Caleb comes home to a sad Spencer looking at enlarged pictures of drugs. Day in the life. Caleb wants to talk about the fact that he’s a cheater and Spencer is like “no thanks, I’m good.”

Caleb: There is a part of me that will always love Hanna but I want you
*Throws chocolates at TV* LIAR!

Spencer is like “if Hanna wanted you would you go back to her?” and he’s like, “wow honestly that’s so offensive.” Just answer the goddam question, Caleb.

He’s like I like everything about you! Like what, I like about you… uh you really know how to dance? When ya go up, down, jump around, talk about a real romance….yeah. Spencer’s like “well you like me and I love you.”

Spencer: I love you
Caleb: la, la, la, la, la I can’t hear youuuuu

Caleb’s like, crying and is like, “give me another chance,” Spencer’s like, “eh maybe.” Hold your ground, Spencer. Don’t be so fucking weak.

Toby and Yvonne, that’s a French ass name Yvonne, are hosting a dinner party outside their trailer. How fucking refined. They took the meaning of trailer trash party way too literally.

Emily comes and crashes the party. Because she DGAF. She knows they will break up before the season finale anyways. Emily begs him to look at the files and look into MD and Snaggle and Toby’s like, okay I live in a trailer, not the fucking batcave. Who do I look like?

Snaggle goes to get his key to the locked trunk and realizes that it’s in the wrong light. Fucking Aria. You took your sweet time to take all those damn pictures and then you put the key in the wrong place? Idiot.

Turns out that Snaggle has been fucking drugging Ali with speed—like the fucking hallucinogenic. A guy from my high school does speed now. He runs around downtown and calls everyone Craig. V weird. Also that’s like, pretty intense bro.

Aria and Emily are team police, and Hanna and Spencer are team fuck da police. 

Emily tells Spencer she gave Toby the fucking file and Spencer gets mad but as Emily points out, ALI’S LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERYONE OK!?!


Ali somehow gets ahold of Snaggle’s phone, drops their location and sends an SOS text. Damn, that’s pretty impressive for a girl on fucking speed. Also does Snaggle not realize his phone is missing during his whole kidnap/torture/drug a girl mission? I feel like that’s pretty crucial.

Back to the newest cast member on Botched, Toby. Yvonne comes out in a really cute nightgown and like, where did you get that shit, girl? And Toby’s like ugh babe don’t you see I’m working?!!! Yvonne, don’t waste that nightgown on Toby. Go find Caleb. He’s a cheater. He’s down AF.

Toby lies to Yvonne, off to a good start in this marriage. He’s looking into Snaggle and MD and finds a record of Elliot Rollins (Snaggle)—from 1958. So obviously, he lied about his identity. Toby acts shocked and I’m like, haven’t you seen this show?

The Liars follow Snaggle out to the lake, following Ali’s pin drop.

They hit a ditch and Ali pushes Snaggle, dips out of the car and starts running. Snaggle chases after her, while Hanna’s fucking booking it in the backwoods.

Okay, why is Hanna even operating large machinery? Like, didn’t she just get tortured? She drove to Amish town too! Does no one think to themselves, huh, maybe the girl with PTSD is not the person we should let drive us regularly?

Ali runs past the car and of course, Snaggle is close behind. Hanna slams right into Snaggle who flies through the windshield.

Now I mean this genuinely, this death was pretty fucking legit for PLL. And I notoriously hate this show. Elliot’s face is in the windshield, dead, with blood coming out of his mouth, eyes wide open, staring straight at Hanna and the Liars.

Like, that was creepy AF and pretty well done. Don’t worry, I’m sure Freeform will disappoint us next week and make someone die in the bell tower in the church. Like always. I mean seriously, how many people can die in that fucking church? This town needs to get creative.


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