Welcome back to PLL, for the last time this season—can I get an amen? Honestly I didn’t even know this was the finale, I just thought this fucking show would go on forever and never ever end with any sort of resolution—OH WAIT IT ALREADY DOES THAT. At first I did not realize this was the finale, I just thought it was some sad hand-written episode.
Everyone is sitting around after Hanna sent her bullshit text about murdering Charlotte. A texts back and is like, If you’re lying then I’m gonna murder all of you. Wasn’t that the plan anyways?
Spencer is like “do you want to do this?” and Hanna’s like “yeah, I hear prison food is like, really good.” Hanna says she “trusts Caleb” and Spencer’s like yeah, ditto. The dude hangs out with his ex all the time and you still trust him? LOL I remember my first relationship.
Hanna’s like “it was me, I volunteer as tribute!” A keeps texting back threats of murder but like, using emoji’s? She literally sends an emoji of a pig wearing a police hat? Is that on the new update, or?
Hanna’s pulls a Les Misérables and is like “ONE DAY MOREEEE!” and A’s like, k fine you have one more day and then I’m killing you.
Yzma/A: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk/Hanna: How about dessert? And one more day?
Yzma/A: Well, I suppose there’s time for dessert. And one more day.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. THEN I’M MURDERING YOU!!!!
Ali and Snaggle are talking about her concussion, even though they act like she is fucking suffering from stage 4 cancer. Snaggle’s like “you are so strong! Even the doctor says so.” Ali and Snaggle are the kind of dickholes who use crutches when they roll an ankle. Suck it up.
He says Jason told him what the Carassimi Group is doing, lol #tbt I don’t give a flying fuck about that group. But whatever, apparently all they are doing is “helping people.” Oh realllllllly, so that’s what they do in that big skyscraper while acting like mobsters? Helping people? Snaggle peaces out to Chicago.
Toby and Spencer are flirting in French, talking about Toby’s glasses, and talking about Sara’s living situation in Radley. Aka, stupid shit.
[both speaking french]
Toby: May I offer you a parsnip?
Spencer: No, you may not.
Toby: Where is my uncle’s pencil?
Spencer: I don’t know. Maybe it is up your ass?
Emily and Caleb are at Hanna’s apartment talking about electric fences. Apparently Caleb is going to try and fry A with a fucking electric fence, because that’s not morbid or anything. Hanna’s like LET’S LIGHT THIS BITCH UP.
While looking with his nerd glasses (look, look with your special eyes! My brand!) Toby finds that there is a secret entrance to a secret room in Radley. He’s like “I’ll seal it.” Okay, Toby can seal passageways and Caleb can build electric fences? Is this show on HGTV or sponsored by Home Depot?
Toby’s like “I’m going with you” and Spencer’s like “won’t your girlfriend not like that?” and he’s like “oh I don’t even care.” Pretty much sums up every relationship in this show.
Ezra is sitting around, crying about Nicole, his girlfriend who got kidnapped in South America. Okay, so maybe not every relationship in the show ends up that way….
Ezra and Aria hold hands and have a romantic moment. He’s like “thanks for helping me finish” and I’m like THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Anyways, Aria’s his shoulder to cry on, but is def hoping for grief-fuck later.
Ali’s sleeping off that big bad concussion she has when she hears a music box playing. I haven’t heard a music box since that one time I got drunk and watched Anastasia on Netflix.
Ali follows the music box and then turns around to her dead mother, WHAT THE FUCK. Not going to lie, I screamed in my home. My boyfriend came in and asked what’s wrong and I told him there was a spider, because I have a fucking rep to protect goddammit. The phone starts ringing and Ali answers it, and someone is like “DID YOU MISS ME?”
Ali goes to the only person who will listen to her: Emily, the hopelessly in love lesbian friend. They are having a heartfelt conversation, which Emily hopes ends in scissoring, and A is obvi watching.
Toby’s like “hey lady friend, I need to go help my ex” and Yvonne is like UH ARE YOU FUCKING REAL? Toby’s like “okay I’m going to hang out with my ex on the night you need me most, but you can’t ask me what we’re doing or why” BECAUSE THAT’S A GOOD ANSWER. Yvonne is like “I’m not going to be the girl who says pick me over her.” Slayyyyyyy betch. #feminism
Mona goes to Spencer’s mom’s campaign and offers to help because she “wants Mrs. Hastings to win.” We all know she wants Hastings to win as much as I want Trump to win. Aka, not at fucking all.
Caleb is building his stupid electrical fence and calls A “A-moji.” Good one Caleb, you should quit being a handyman and go into stand-up comedy. He shows that he set up a camera around the fence, so that if A outsmarts them, which will happen, they can get a picture, which won’t happen.
Aria and Emily are babysitting a sleeping Ali—who, btw, has the windows open while she sleeps. THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL YOU. If you need a slight breeze, get a fucking air conditioner, you cheap betch.
They are discussing Aria/Ezra’s book, Teenage Chicken Noodle Soup: For the Statutory Rapist’s Soul, and Aria’s like I wrote from the heart, blah blah. So she basically admits she still loves Ezra. I’ll take fucking duh for 500, Alex.
Aria’s like “it hurts Liam that I still love Ezra!” and I’m like, yeah, that’ll do it.
Ali’s sleeping when a man’s hand comes around her body. She’s obvi having a nightmare, but thinks it’s Snaggle’s hands—which tbh sounds like the real nightmare. But wait, it’s fucking WILDEN’S hands. WILDEN? Did Ali’s concussion make her a fucking time traveler? I haven’t seen Wilden since ‘Nam. Or like, season 3.
She screams and Aria and Emily come in to rescue her or some shit. Ali’s like “I felt it, it was real! He was here!” and it’s like, okay calm the fuck down crazy. They decide to call Snaggles, because he can defend Ali from the bad guys by stabbing them with his rogue tooth.
Spencer and Caleb are having sexy time and Freeform shows their first topless scene. Caleb is like “is Toby going to be checking you out?” and it’s like, probably.
Spencer’s dad is like “yo Spencer, let’s talk!” and she hushes Caleb out of the house like a sidebitch. But of course not before yelling the dramatic “Caleb, I love you!” Caleb’s like, k? Thx. And dips the fuck outta there.
Spencer: I love you!
Caleb: I love… cake.
Snaggle is on his way home to save Ali and he’s like “next time you have a bad dream, tell yourself it isn’t real. Genius plan there, doctor. Ali hangs up and sees her dead mom outside the window again. And of course, I scream, again. For fucks sake, this is Pretty Little Liars not The Walking Dead. QUIT SHOWING DEAD PEOPLE.
Dead mom points behind Ali, to where dead Wilden is. He’s got some blood stains on his shirt and Ali’s like “YOU AREN’T REAL!” You tell ‘em Ali! Then she’s like “it wasn’t my fault!” Ahhhhh. The plot. It thickens.
Ali: I didn’t mean to shoot my father! I thought it was you walking through the door!
Toby keeps calling Yvonne and is like “wah I love you” and Yvonne is like, go fuck yourself.
Aria is wearing shorts that would make a pin-up girl go “yikes” and goes to visit Ezra. Ezra tells her that her boss loved the book and that it’s basically going to be a major fucking hit. If all I had to do to become a famous author was have illegal sexual relations and possibly kill someone, I would have done that a long time ago. I mean seriously.
Ezra’s super excited and he and Aria start making out. I guess he got over the kidnapped girlfriend real quick. Liam, this was fun while it lasted. Suddenly, BAM! Sex scene. And another topless scene? Freeform is pulling out all the stops for this finale. Next season PLL will be on HBO.
Meanwhile, Han and Caleb check into this shit motel in order to spy on A. Caleb is every girl ever to study abroad and is like “this reminds me of a hostile I stayed at in Europe!” Since everyone is having sex in this episode, I give it .4 seconds before Hanna makes a move.
Hanna flashes back to New York, where she is telling Caleb that she can’t go to Europe because of her job. He’s like “your job fucking sucks, take a vacation with me” and she’s like, nah. She goes to leave the apartment, and he’s like “if you leave, I won’t be here when you get back.” And she’s like G2G BYE.
And that’s how they break up. And now I guess she’s addicted to crack.
Emily goes to check on Ali and Snaggle calls Ali’s phone. He’s like “where is Ali” and Emily’s like, fuck if I know dude.
The election is happening and Spencer’s and Yvonne’s mom are like neck and neck. They have a touching family moment and then Spencer dips out to call Emily. Emily’s like can you come help me, and Spencer’s like “no bitch, can’t you see I have shit to do?”
Question posed by Spencer: Ali’s scared and she’s seeing dead people—where would you go to feel safe?
Answer by the shitfucks at Freeform: THE CHURCH WHERE EVERYONE INCLUDING HER SISTER WAS MURDERED
Aria, Ezra, Hanna and Caleb are at this shit motel in the weirdest couples’ retreat ever. Caleb is like “you are so brave. You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Hanna starts talking about that one time they broke up and she’s like “there is something you don’t know about that night.” I immediately think “she’s pregnant”, because that’s the kind of person I am.
Flashback to that night, where Hanna is running in the rain back to Caleb, who is already gone. He’s packed all his shit in a matter of minutes, and left his cellphone. Of all the things you forgot. Hanna’s like “I never stopped loving you. I sent you a card every day! For a year!” and they start making out.
Who is a shittier friend, Hanna or Spencer? Don’t answer that, I hate them all. I’m screaming “NO!” at the TV as loud as I can. So Elle Woods rn.
TV: I love you.
Me, throwing wine glass: LIAR!
Spencer and Toby are flirting downstairs in the Radley. What was the point of making these relationships happen this season if they were inevitably going to be crushed in the finale? Why, Freeform?
Hanna texts A and is like, I’m at this shit hotel alone. Lie number one. Only about to get worse from here on out.
Ali is sitting and crying in the church while wearing Ugg moccasins. I remember seventh grade. Emily shows up and is like Dafaq bitch? Ali says that the ghosts of her mom and Wilden are going to take her to hell. Ali is me the first time I did Molly: “HELP ME. I NEED HELP.” Emily’s like, fine I’ll help you, as long as you give me oral in season 7.
Toby and Spencer are downstairs when someone shows up. Toby whips out his fucking gun and Spencer’s like WOAH WTF.
He’s like “hey stop it I’m a cop” and I’m like, yo it’s 2016. Maybe that’s NOT the thing to yell as a white cop holding a gun. Just sayin.
Turns out, it’s just Mona. They don’t even bat an eye at the fact Mona is in this shithole. They act like they ran into her at a Starbucks. Like, hey Mona how’s it going, fancy running into you here.
So they find a random book of archives that has birth certificates of Charles/Charlotte. Turns out she was born in Radley to some other bitch named Mary Drake. Anyways, Mary Drake put Charlotte up for adoption, which is how she was in Ali’s family. They are like “Jason and Charlotte are practically the same age, of course she’s adopted!” WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT FIGURE IT OUT LAST SEASON?!
A is watching the band of idiots—Ezra, Aria and Caleb—sit outside the fucking hotel and sets a trap to lure them away from Hanna. Once they realize this, they go back to the hotel room to find Hanna magically gone—with pretty much no way to escape. Is Freeform trying to turn this show into some supernatural shit? Because I don’t have time for that rn.
Ali 5150’s herself and gives Emily her wedding rings to give to Snaggle. Ali’s about to sign a contract that basically says she can’t leave anytime soon, and Emily’s like are you sure about this? Charlotte was here! And Ali’s like “yeah well, Charlotte got better.” Hmmm, better is a funny way of saying murdered. Charlotte got fucking murdered.
Ali’s like, k I’m going to the mental hospital now and signs the paper that basically says she can never leave.
Spencer’s mom wins the election and Toby goes to congratulate Spencer with some very weird flirty vibes. Aria calls to tell them Hanna is missing and of course Mona follows. Caleb freaks the fuck out and Spencer is like okkkkkk what is your deal rn?
Turns out, there is a hole in the floor where A obviously snuck through and kidnapped Han. The liars watch the video and see some bitch legit running through an electrical fence. Uh, A is that you girl?
Suddenly, we’re back to Wilden. Wilden, you irrelevant son of a bitch. Wilden pulls a mask off and suddenly we see: SNAGGLE? SNAGGLE IS A/WILDEN? THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY RIGHT HERE?!
He turns to Mary Blake, who is literally Ali’s mom except like, scarier looking, and they start talking about Charlotte. Ugh why is everything always about Charlotte? Ali is just as pretty as Charlotte, Ali is just as smart as Charlotte. Why don’t we all just stab Charlotte! Oh wait.
Snaggle is talking about how he was in love with Charlotte and how he married her cousin, which is obviously Ali. Also, he speaks in a very annoying British accent. Normally I find those accents incredibly sexy, but I just can’t look past the clusterfuck of teeth that have set up camp on his fucking face.
IMDB has informed me that it’s his real accent—that’s unfortunate.
So yes, to answer the question that I’m sure half of the idiots watching this show are asking—Mary Drake is Ali’s aunt. Mary and Ali’s mom are identical twins.
Now Snaggle runs the Carasemi group apparently and therefore has a ton of money. Although remember! That money goes towards helping people only! No funny business.
He tells Mary Drake that Ali admitted herself into the mental hospital, ya know, after the two of them drove her fucking insane. And he’s like totally fine with it. Ali was def killing the vibe.
Let this be a lesson to you all. Never trust a person who is oddly comfortable with having an extra 23 teeth. Anyone who does not value their appearance, like Snaggle clearly doesn’t, is shady and you should always avoid them.
The Liars are still like what the fuck just happened? They see Mary Drake, who they think is Ali’s mom, in the cameras, which confuses their wee little brains. Someone named A.D (Ali?) texts them saying “thanks for giving me the fat girl, you’re free to go.”
The camera flashes to Hanna being dragged in the attic of the church—that one really safe place that Ali loves. Han has some blood on her and is dressed like she’s about to be in a coffin. Not her best look, I gotta say. It’s okay Hanna, I’m sure there are lots of buffets in heaven.
Some Final Notes:
A few people on my Twitter/FB feed wrote about this episode before I got the chance to watch it, saying “I knew this was going to happen!” and I have to say to them, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT? Don’t bullshit me, people. You can’t sit here and tell me that you knew Charlotte wasn’t Ali’s sister but actually Ali’s cousin, etc. So you can go shave your back now.
Freeform, you giant smelly turd that consistently makes me want to kill myself for paying basic cable for, what is this shit you have been feeding me for the last few months? Here’s some new couples! WRONG. Here’s a plotline about missing eggs? GOODBYE. Here’s a sketchy journalist that could have had way more of a plotline? NAH.
How many men on IMBD have it in their credentials “Hot guy on PLL with shit plotline and shaky accent”?
I don’t know when next season is happening, and I don’t really give a shit. I know A is eventually going to be revealed as A’s cousin’s sister’s ex-husband’s uncle’s dog, twice removed. God, I need more wine for this.