Welcome back to the lives of these pretty little idiots. I’m sufficiently drunk on a fucking Tuesday and I have work tomorrow morning, so let’s get this stupid shit over with, shall we?
Hanna and Jordan are having weird “50 Shades of Grey” red room sex with budget champagne. Remember last week Hanna got fired from her job and decided to have a mini vacay with Jordy. It better all be on Jordan’s bill, ‘cause we know that bitch is broke.
Spencer and Aria are in Sara’s bat cave thing that they found casually in her hotel room. It’s literally another fucking building under there and they are just strolling through random rooms.
Okay, who was the engineer in this place? Fucking Steven King? Who keeps part of an insane asylum under a hotel? I’m gonna write a letter! “Dear Mr. Royal Hampton, I am a white woman, living in America…”
There is a random file cabinet, that when you push it, leads to the outside. Well that’s nifty. Spencer and Aria are like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK and everyone at home is like, yup *sips wine* I could have seen this shit coming. So anyways, that’s how Sara has been getting in and out of the hotel unnoticed. Doors, so last season.
Spencer goes to Caleb and Caleb shows her the record from Yvonne’s family’s file. You know, the ones he hacked into last week. Keep up.
Anyway, Spencer’s mom is apparently really sick and the other candidate has medical records. Uh, is that legal? I’m gonna go with a hard no. Apparently other side is going to leak her medical records because if you have any sort of medical issue, you’re basically a terrorist and unfit to serve? Fucking Rosewood, man.
My boyfriend and his best friend have taken five minutes out of their regularly scheduled programming of dicking around, to watch this show with me and they are straight up appalled right now. That’s right boys, welcome to this dogshit they call a television show.
Ali is talking to the police chief now. #tbt to when she didn’t have grey hair and was 15 pounds lighter. Ali talks like she is having an asthma attack between each word.
ALI: Do (heavy breath) you (heavy breath) know (heavy breath) what (wheezes) happened (pumps inhaler)?
Dr. Snaggle Tooth is there, looking creepier than ever. The police chief tells them that someone from a random ass restaurant called Ali’s house and charlotte answered. Must be Hanna– her fat ass is always at a restaurant.
Spencer, Emily and Aria are talking about Sara’s hole in the wall and Emily says that they need to tell Ali. Or course Emily, the pussy whipped wonder, wants to tell Ali. They are like “what if Ali tries to tell the police?” And then they are like, “hmmm maybe that’s a good idea.” Well there’s a first.
Liam comes to visit Aria and it’s awkward, so Aria introduces Liam to Emily. When in doubt, introduce the lesbian.
Spencer goes to see her mom, with her bangs looking like Taylor Swift’s fugly new cut. Spencer’s mom Is saying the polls are down, and idk she doesn’t look that sick to me? Like shouldn’t she look more sick? Like, if you’re from Africa, why are you white?
Emily finds out her eggs were ruined by a power outage and that they were probs stolen. So she’s poor and egg-less. What a life.
Hanna wakes up with millions of texts, and it’s like, she can’t help it that she’s so popular.
Jordan comes back with room service for Hanna, because of course hefty Han needs some nourishment. She opens the dish and it says “Poor Jordie” in the eggs and bacon. That seems intricate. Has A infiltrated the hotel kitchen now? Okay who manages all these fucking hotels? Also, LOL at Hanna being threatened with food. Sometimes the ones we love most hurt us the worst.
A note says “the honeymoon is over” and we all know, it’s about to be lit.
Spencer and Emily tell Ali about the golf club theory and Ali explains that it wasn’t a club- it’s a hollow piece of metal with a rectangle at the end. They’re like, hmmm good to know, and bounce. Do these girls talk about anything other than murder and themselves?
Also, Liam told Aria to get more chapters from Ezra, so she lies and says she will. She’s like “fuck, I gotta do all this accusing people of murder bullshit and now forge two chapters of a novel? Ugh #stressed.”
Emily tells Hanna about her eggs being stolen and Hanna’s like “aw, there there.” Hanna tells Emily to stay in Rosewood and figure her shit out. Um, she’s being investigated for a murder? I feel like staying in Rosewood was her only option at this point.
Hanna is like why does this A person want us to find Charlottes killer? And Emily’s like because whoever did it probably did it for us. Duh Hanna, you fucking tard.
Also, we’re back to Emily dressing like a blind dyke. Seriously, can we get ONE episode where Shay Mitchell doesn’t look like a trailer trash lesbian? Just ONE.
Jordan is like “so, did Emily think something sketchy happened to her eggs?” and Hanna has a full-on BF.
HANNA: IS IT BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN AND HORMONAL. THAT YOU’RE SAYING THAT? ARE YOU SAYING SHE IS PARANOID JORDAN?
JORDAN: uh no, I’m saying you’ve been stalked by a murderer for half your life and it’s like, a semi good question.
Hanna eat a snickers, you’re not yourself when you aren’t eating something constantly.
Hanna is like I just lost my job, I am being investigated for a fucking murder, my nail beds suck and sometimes my breath smells in the morning! Jordan is like, “well, shit happens.”
Jordan tells her to go back to NYC and she’s like I gotta be there for Emily. Jordan’s like “fuck Emily, let’s gtfo.” Jordan is me.
Spencer goes to spy on Mona, bad idea because Mona knows all. Spencer asks Mona if she told Yvonne to leave her phone at lunch to see if Spencer would steal it- which, lol, she did. Mona says she actually had Yvonne do that so Spencer would find something on the phone- her mom’s medical shit.
Mona is like “I tried to tell you that your Mom was sick and they were gonna use it in the campaign,” which according to Mona is wrong. Since when does Mona feel human emotions and have a conscience? You’re really losing your touch, Mona.
Mona figures out that Spencer didn’t know her mom was sick and Spencer damn near starts crying in a coffee shop like a little bitch.
Liam is reviewing “Ezra’s” work, which is actually a sad handwritten book by Aria.
Aria is wearing a hot pink pant suit and a mustard colored blazer. She looks like a fucking Popsicle with legs. Oh, you poor colorblind little idiots in the Freeform wardrobe department. I will not rest until the stylist of this show is fired. I demand a change.
Liam says the book is really good and that’s interesting because I didn’t think Aria could even write, seeing as how most of her English education was spent boinking the teacher.
Liam says that there is a problem with it because there are switching viewpoints- one is the viewpoint of a fat, depressed pedophile and the other is a dumb bitch with a bob haircut. Both are equally shitty. Liam figures it out real quick that Aria wrote it and is like WTF are you doing? Liam is smart. Be like Liam.
Aria is like “will Ezra get in trouble?” and Liam is like, uh bitch you might be in trouble. He tells her to finish the chapter anyway (?)
LIAM: btw have fun explaining this to Ezra.
ARIA: it’s fine I’ll just blow him after and we’ll be chill
Spencer is crying to Caleb and is like “delete the file!” and he’s like, the fuck bitch? He says he’s already breaking a bunch of laws rn. But hey, as Jordan would say, shit happens.
Caleb is like “your mom has to go public with this story before the other campaign does it.” And it’s like, okay how is it that Caleb was the homeless troublemaker in high school and he’s by far the smartest out of all of you? Like what did you morons do during your college years? Besides get heinous haircuts?
Hanna texts Caleb saying “let me buy you a drink?” And he’s like, hmmm yeah I should go drinking with my ex-girlfriend while my current girlfriend cries about her dying mom. Okay, so maybe he isn’t that smart.
Hanna and Caleb are at Radley getting turnt and Hanna is like “I got Emily’s eggs stolen, wah poor me, I’m from Africa with all the little birdies and the monkies.”
Caleb is talking about A and how Hanna can beat A because she “is stronger and smarter.” Really? Because she’s unemployed and practically brain-dead.
Caleb starts talking about how he and Toby wanted to open a brewery but things changed once Caleb started fucking Toby’s ex-girlfriend. Funny how that happens.
Is this supposed to be a sexual tension moment between Hanna and Caleb? Because it’s honestly just awkward. Caleb gets up and leaves a full fucking drink at the bar. Someone would legit have to be dying in order for me to leave a full drink. I’d still probably pound the drink and drive to the hospital.
Flashback to when Hanna and Caleb were dating in New York. He’s in an alley playing with a fucking cat while Hanna is at a fashion show. Well you can put the boy in a home but you can’t take the homeless out of the boy.
They are fighting and are like “what do you want? What do you want?” It’s straight out of “The Notebook” or like any time I’m deciding where to eat with my boyfriend. Caleb ends up leaving and I guess that’s how they broke up. And I guess now she’s on crack.
Emily is sipping tea when the police chief lady comes up and gives some bullshit small talk. The police chief is like, hmmm all your friends come home and someone dies for the first time in 5 years, WEIRDDDDD. Yo, this lady is a straight up bitch though.
POLICE CHIEF: isn’t that a funny statistic?
Emily: I don’t know statistics. Or anything, really. I don’t know anything.
Caleb comes into an elevator with Mona and is like SURPISE BITCH. He tells her that if she is messing with Spencer, he’s gonna fuck her shit up. Exact quote.
Mona is like “who kisses better, Hanna, Spencer, or me?” and is anyone else like mildly feeling turned on right now? Like this is the most sexual scene I’ve seen on this whole damn channel.
But ok, didn’t Caleb say he didn’t wanna break the law? I feel like stalking and threatening someone is totally a step in the wrong direction, but k.
Ali goes to Spencer’s house and starts telling Spencer about her love life, like any of us give a fuck. She tells Spencer about how her shitty bird-looking dad and older brother left her and Charlotte. All because Charlotte was a murderer, like ugh, whatever, so harsh.
Anyway, she fell in love with Doctor Snaggle-Tooth. How shitty is your life that you fall in love with someone whose tooth has their own fucking zip code. I mean seriously, that thing is huge and has shoved his way to the front of the line, if you know what I mean.
Ali is like we love each other and Spencer is like, “it’s really inappropriate because he’s your sister’s doctor.” UM NEWSFLASH: YOU FUCKED YOUR SISTER’S FIANCE, YOUR BEST FRIEND FUCKED A TEACHER FOR 5 YEARS, YOUR OTHER BEST FRIEND FUCKED THE GIRL WHO TORTURED YOU ALL AND YOU ARE CURRENTLY FUCKING YOUR OTHER BEST FRIEND’S EX-BOYFRIEND.
Ali wants to tell people about her and Snaggle-Tooth, and I’m like wtf why? I would hide that shit forever. Unless you’re referring him to an orthodontist, I wouldn’t want to even associate with him. Of course, Spencer tells her to do it.
Spencer goes to talk to her mom and Spencer’s mom starts talking about her midlife crisis and how she wishes she had done this sooner. Because running for political office sounds like a blast.
Spencer’s mom is like “I’m gonna win” and Spencer agrees. You know A is watching this shit like “lol NAHHH.”
Ali goes to talk to Snaggle-Tooth and is like “let’s talk about us.” And he pulls a frat boy move like “uhhhh this is moving really quick, and I feel like we should probably slow down.” Ali’s like “shhhhh, take me to a movie” and they start making out. Of course, A’s pervy little ass is watching the whole thing outside. Looking back at it, A’s seen some serious shit these past few seasons.
Aria and Hanna go to the batcave in Sara’s room, which everyone suddenly knows about, and hear a noise and decide to attack. They start fighting someone with the aggressiveness of a newborn Chihuahua. Seriously I’ve seen better fights at a nursing home.
Emily is like “I went to look for my eggs down there.” Apparently they think Sara has an igloo cooler with reproductive organs in the cave.
Hanna and Aria tell Emily to use the money- ah, so she did get the money- to finish school and we all know that isn’t gonna happen. Emily is like “ugh, no one loves me and I’m never gonna have babies!” Yeah, that’s pretty much what happens when you are an insufferable lesbian.
Spencer is drinking wine and waiting for Caleb when he gets home. He sensually pets her face and sexy music plays. Something is up. Whenever they play artsy music, you know shit is about to go down.
Ezra comes back and Aria is like “Look, ok I’m sorry I accused you of murder, my b. Won’t happen again, until next season.”
Ezra tells Aria that that he saw her parents the night charlotte was murdered and they asked him not to tell Aria. Then he went and got a pie, that is def showing through his shirt, and went home.
EZRA: I went to the store, got a latte, got a perm, went home and got in the shower.
ARIA: You got in the shower?
ME AT HOME: I think the fat guy has made it very clear that he got in the shower
Aria is like WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS WHEN I ACCUSED YOU OF MURDER IN YOUR OWN HOME! Okay, cause he was the wrong one. Wtf, Ezra actually does say sorry. Earth to all you single people- fights never go like this.
Ezra gives her the next three chapters to his book, the ones Aria has already written and she’s like, ohhhh awkwarddddd.
Spencer goes to check Melissa’s luggage for something, and finds that the luggage is broken and is missing a piece. A piece that is pretty much exactly what the murder weapon is described as. Death by suitcase? Alright Freeform I’m sick of your shit.
The episode ends with A cleaning something, with some mighty large man-hands if I do say so myself.