Hanna, Ali, and Emily go to Sara’s room to try and find the hole in the wall that leads to her evil lair thing. Turns out Sara is fucking filthy, which isn’t surprising at all. Have you seen her eyeliner in recent episodes? That bitch doesn’t give a damn about anything.
Shocker, the fuckin hole is gone. Emily is freaking the fuck out and Ali’s like, “k maybe this isn’t Sara’s room” and Emily nearly has a heart attack. Emily you can’t even finish college, you obvi don’t know jack shit.
The door opens and it’s housekeeping, probably lookin at this filth like “ugh, I should have been a stripper.”
The Liars hide in the closet and talk very loudly, even though they are “hiding.” Basic concepts escape these people. They eventually are able to sneak out when the housekeeper isn’t looking. Turns out, the housekeeper is A in a mask, because of fucking course.
Caleb tells Spencer that he corrupted the file from the other side’s campaign regarding Spencer’s mom’s health. Spencer is like “ugh this will never go away”, and it’s like, lol yeah probably.
Spencer and Caleb start making out and IN COMES EMILY. Go read all my recaps, Emily has ruined a romantic scene at least twice in every episode, without fail. Nothing kills a romantic moment like an angsty lezbo. Emily: always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Emily is being super weird, per usual. Emily wants to go down and find that fucking hole and Spencer is like GIVE IT A FUCKING REST.
Emily’s like “my future offspring are down there!” And I’m like, “but why now, why this sperm?”
Emily’s like “Sara will think we’re withholding something from her” and Spencer and Caleb give the worst lie on the planet.
Emily: you know something, don’t you?
Spencer: uh what no what we don’t know anything, what no not us, we know nothing
Spencer is like ugh k fine twist my arm– Melissa’s suitcase is broken and it’s missing a rod that could break someone’s neck. What are their suitcases made out of? Valarian steel? I mean seriously my suitcase can barely make it through United baggage claim but this one can kill a grown ass woman?
Emily is like “UH HELLO MELISSA DID IT BECAUSE SHE’S YOUR SISTER” and Spencer is like,” k if we’re gonna be like that, then we should add your mom to the list of suspects.” OHHHHH, YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT MOMMASSSSS.
Wilmer Valderrama comes in: “On this episode of “Ya Momma,” it’s the lesbian from downtown Rosewood vs. the political betch from uptown Rosewood.”
Aria is talking to Liam about how she totally fucked up telling Ezra about her forgery- honest mistake.
Liam comes up with a story to get Aria off the hook and he’s like “Ezra’s so lucky his former students care!” And Aria’s secretly hoping her and Ezra will have a passionate forgery fuck later.
Hanna is helping Ella pick her wedding dress, using dresses from her old job. Did she steal these dresses? We all know Hanna loves her five finger discount. Jordan calls and she screens that bitch, mostly because he sucks. He just fucking sucks, that’s all there is to it.
Aria’s mom tells a sad story about her and Byron getting married the first time and dressing like a bunch of inbred hicks. Uh, Ella, themes are meant for fraternity parties not weddings, you tasteless whore.
Aria’s mom was like “what are you going to wear to your wedding, Hanna?” and Hanna’s like idk haven’t thought about it. I have a fucking Pinterest board dedicated to what I’m going to wear and I’m still meeting assholes on Tinder. So either you’re not excited or you’re full of shit.
Emily is going to sign up for classes at Hollis, the local junior college? Idk it’s where all the stupid, poor people of Rosewood go. I don’t pay any attention to places like that.
Anyways, she’s in line and she happens to meet a guy. Because, of course she does. These girls could seriously meet at hot guy at a fucking trash dump. Actually, I think that actually happened in season 4.
The dude is the shady journalist bro from a few episodes before. He’s def spying/writing about the girls, but they are all too fucking stupid to figure anything out.
He’s kinda flirting with Emily and it’s like, sorry buddy, she’s not gonna eat hotdogs at your barbeque if you know what I’m saying. He immediately asks her on a date thing and introduces himself as Damien or Darien? Or maybe it was Devon? Idk I’m drunk. Let’s just call him Damien/Darien and let’s just assume he’s too gay to function.
Spencer comes home and sees Melissa, who has a new suitcase because her other one broke so she tossed it out.
Spencer: When did you get a new suitcase? Where? Why?
Melissa: Can I live?
Spencer tells her Mom that she knows that the cancer came back. Spencer is like “look dawg, you’re trying to be honest in this campaign and you’re lying about your health.”
Spencer’s mom is like “thanks for reminding me why I had kids” and it’s like, ok is that an insult? I can’t tell if that’s like the most passive aggressive shit I have ever heard. Mrs. Hastings was obvi in a sorority, because they teach you passive aggression likes it’s fucking basic math.
Alison is sitting around while Dr. Snaggletooth does dishes, when A texts saying “does the good doctor know why Charlotte ran away that night? I do.”
If Charlotte ran off to an orthodontist’s office, then no, the good doctor doesn’t know shit about that. He doesn’t even know what that is.
Aria and her dad are out to lunch and her dad asks her to officiate the wedding, which is awkward AF. He’s like “you’re a writer, you could be a minister!” not sure how those two are connected. I once went to a wedding where I watched the officiator do coke like 5 seconds before, so idk if there is a necessary skill set needed.
Aria is like I don’t want Mike to feel bad, and Byron is like “well Mike isn’t coming because he thinks I’m an asshole for being a no-good, lying cheater” #TeamMike. Of course, Aria caves and is like, k fine whatever I’ll do it.
Caleb and Spencer walk out and see Melissa on the phone in her car and are like WHAT IS SHE DOING SHE MUST BE UP TO SOMETHING. God forbid she just wants to have a fucking private phone call.
Melissa’s like “I made the polls go up yay me” and Spencer/Caleb/Me are like, cool no one cares. Also, it’s worth pointing out that Melissa has the best outfits on this show. Good job PLL wardrobe, you did something right for once.
Caleb starts grilling Melissa about her suitcase and she’s like “idk it just broke because some stupid fucking Uber driver went over pot holes to avoid baseball game traffic.” I believe her, cause like Uber is the worst. You vomit ONE TIME in the glove compartment and suddenly you’re “a terrible passenger” and “zero out of four stars.”
Caleb is like, lol k well the baseball game was in Baltimore so GOTCHA. Congrats on knowing Philly trivia Caleb, officially the most fucking useless skill in the book.
Aria tells Ezra about how she forged all his chapters and he’s like “does she like you more than me?” And Aria’s like yeah, kinda, but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.
Aria’s like “I’ll tell my boss” and Ezra is surprisingly cool about it and says it was an act of love, not, ya know, illegal. Ezra wants to read what Aria wrote for some weird reason. Idk I’m so over these two.
Hanna gets Ella’s dress and Hanna is like PLEASE LET ME FUCKING DESIGN YOUR WEDDING IM POOR AND WAY LESS HOT THAN I WAS LAST SEASON PLEASE DEAR GOD. Ella is like, Jesus Christ, ok fine.
Aria comes home and is like, “uh this is so weird that we’re both going to the wedding.” Uh aren’t you guys like best friends? I don’t see the weirdness literally at all.
Aria is like “Hanna, would you be comfortable with sitting next to Hanna and Spencer?” and she’s like I’M HAPPY FOR THEM. THIS IS HAPPY. I AM THE DEFINITION OF HAPPY.
Que scene from Saved by the Bell: “IM SO EXCITED, IM SO EXCITED, IM SO SCARED”
Back to Ali and Snaggle. Ali said that she told Charlotte about her and Snaggle and Charlotte “stared at me like a cat.” What does that even mean? So she stared at you like, in a pretty normal way? Like one would, at a cat?
According to Ali, Charlotte felt “betrayed”. And it’s like well you tortured her and her friends for 5 seasons, so sorry Charlotte I’m siding with Ali on this one. She’s allowed to fuck the doctor. Case dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters.
Alison is like MAYBE THAT’S WHY SHE RAN AWAY. And the doctor is like, my b.
Hanna comes home to Emily, who is like “I am not going to pass school because I think Sara Harvey is torturing me.” Excuses, excuses. Once a dropout always a dropout, Em.
Emily is like MELISSA DID THIS and it’s like ok this is how rumors start. And I can’t keep up. Like do we hate Melissa or do we hate Sara? Make up your damn empty mind.
Darien/Damien facetimes Emily and she’s like “hey Dar!” Uh, didn’t you two just fucking meet like an hour ago? You already have nicknames? You already Facetime? I don’t even Facetime my boyfriend of three fucking years. This is why everyone stalks you guys, you are too fucking trusting.
Hanna is like “he looks familiar” and WAIT IS THIS A MOMENT WHERE HANNA IS USING HER BRAIN? Yes Hanna he’s the sketchy guy, figure it out goddammit! Do something useful besides play dress up with Aria’s mom!
Emily gets a package from A with a baby naming book and a note that says “start talking before our baby does” from A. OKAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. You’re going to threaten her with a fucking child? Freeform your shit is unreal rn. Low key this is moderately sick and real talk I think this story line is semi-fucked up.
Spencer’s mom opens up about her illness and as Spencer and Caleb watch the announcement together, Hanna shows up. She immediately is like “Melissa did this.”
She flashbacks to London a few years ago, when Hanna runs into Melissa casually. My hometown has 30,000 people in it and I almost never run into anyone, yet these just happen to find each other in a bathroom in London? Freeform and their stupid “fate” bullshit.
And Melissa is drunk and crying about Wren, who apparently left her because of Charlotte. Charlotte has been getting phone privileges and has been ruining Melissa’s life now, which is like so not the business.
Also, Melissa is so fucking bitchy I love it. Melissa deserves her own show. This is my plea to you Freeform.
Charlotte called Wren about Bethany Young and Melissa’s like “Hanna what’s Charlotte going to use against you?” Melissa steals Hanna’s phone and tries to call Charlotte and Hanna takes the phone and throws it at the fucking wall.
Caleb: Why didn’t you tell me about this? Why didn’t you call me back?
Hanna: Why are you so obsessed with me?
Hanna asks Caleb and Spencer to find out if Melissa called from the diner, and they’re like, uh k I guess so. Hanna also asks about the sneaky reporter dude that Emily is chillin’ with.
Hanna tells Emily that Darien/Damien is a reporter and to ditch him. But remember, Emily’s partially brain dead from having her head so far up Ali’s asshole for the past 6 seasons, so she reads it as “go out to dinner with the sketchy reporter you just met.” And that’s exactly what she fuckin does.
Ezra and Liam are talking and it somehow ends up being about Aria, because the world revolves around that bitch and her fugly bob.
Ezra is like, “look my female character isn’t about Aria and how I dated her. Oh you didn’t know that Liam? Oh okay I’m just gonna go fuck myself now.” Aria shows up and Liam is pissed AF.
Liam walks away and is like OH SO YOU FUCKED YOUR TEACHER. And Aria’s like “uh yeah I thought you got that vibe from the way I obsess over him and am constantly making vague sexual references.” He storms off and it’s like, really dude? It’s 2016. Who hasn’t fucked a teacher at this point?
Hanna is helping Ella into her fugly wedding dress that looks like it was purchased a thrift store for a Great Gatsby themed party.
Hanna is like “I think people go back and find their first love, its romantic” and it’s like no, it’s fucking dumb. My first love was in 6th grade and I’m kinda positive he’s like, in jail now, so yeah.
Ella is like “No, my first love is long gone because we grew up and had real fuckin lives you dumb twat” and Hanna’s like, hmmm I never considered that. But yet, Hanna ignores Jordan’s call again.
Alison is looking at her A text and okay, why are A’s emoji’s so big? Or is Alison just blind and has a big font?
She asks A if it’s Sara Harvey, because that’ll work.
Ali: Sara is this you?
A: lol, yah girl wassup
Snaggletooth is like, “ok you’re ignoring me Ali and I love you”, blah blah blah some other bullshit. I can’t even pay attention because I am too distracted by his teeth that have formed a small mountain in his jaw.
He tells her that “he wants to spend the rest of his life with her” so, I guess they are engaged now? That escalated quickly. Talk about the shittest engagement ever.
Snaggle: You’re mad at me and think I had something to do with the murder of your sister, let’s get hitched.
ARE WE OUT OF THE WOODS? NO EMILY HAS TO GO RIGHT BACK INTO THEM.
Emily learns from Darien that Melissa was def in the States the night Charlotte died. How does he know that? No one knows and no one questions it #Freeformlyfe
Emily goes out to this random fucking diner in the legit middle of nowhere to see if she can get more information.
EMILY: Either it’s really unpopular or closed. – it’s in the woods, empty, secluded and there is a murderer on the loose. Have you ever seen a horror film, literally ever? You gonna learn today.
Emily is looking into the window when a random car starts up and bolts out of the parking lot. There are some lights inside the diner and the car circles back, trying to run Emily over. She’s banging on the diner window, but no one is there. So she hides from the car that’s trying to fucking murder her.
Overall this whole “investigate the diner thing” is off to a shit start.
Emily goes out into the open again and almost gets run over by the car AGAIN. The car runs over Emily’s phone, which hurts my soul to watch. RIP to all the phones these dumb hoes have destroyed.
Emily climbs onto the roof of a shed, and look at that, there is a piece of metal that looks an awful lot like the murder weapon, what luck. The car leaves for a hot second, she tries to get down from the roof. The car is like JK and then rams the shed again.
Emily drops the murder weapon, A gets out, takes it and drives away. Leaving her all alone on that stupid fucking shed in the stupid fucking woods.
And, OKAY BUTTERFINGERS. You had ONE fucking job. ONE. INFLITRATE THE DEALERS. FIND THE SUPPLIERS. HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING MURDER WEAPON.
Meanwhile, Aria is giving the speech to her parents and it’s pretty fucking generic, even though “she’s the writer of the family.” I guess that’s what happens when you’re sucking off your English teachers instead of actually doing your homework.
Also, everyone looks like they are at a funeral instead of a wedding.
THEME OF ELLA’S WEDDINGS:
Ella’s parties fucking suck. There better be an open bar here. And of course Liam shows up, because what would this show be without some Nicolas Sparks generic romantic shit? It would just be a show about 5 girls constantly avoiding getting killed and being all around shitty people.
Aria tells Liam that she was confused about her feelings for Ezra, but now she thinks she has worked out all her feelings, or whatever. Liam and her kiss, because admitting you’re kind of over your old boyfriend/English teacher is like, so romantic.
Meanwhile, someone leaked Yvonne’s abortion records from high school, which makes Spencer’s mom look bad, because it’s something the competition would obvi do.
Spencer’s mom comes in pissed and tells them that the opposition hired someone to track down where it came from, and the story leak OF COURSE came from Spencer’s computer.
And Spencer is like “WTF I didn’t do shit.” Caleb of course is like I DID IT. I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE. Don’t be a hero Caleb, these hoes ain’t worth it.
Obvi he didn’t do it, but Spencer’s mom fires him and kicks him out of the house either way. Spencer is crying and Caleb is like g2g and they start making out again. I give it a few more episodes before he starts fucking Hanna again.
Emily comes back to Hanna’s house and is like in full on PTSD mode. She tells Hanna about the attack and is like “okay so Sara wants this murder solved, but someone else wants to cover this murder up.” That’s actually some good reasoning I’m impressed. One day at community college, whoda thunk?
Anyway, they figure out, there are def two people involved in this shindig.
Aria and Liam are making out when someone starts banging on the door and it’s Ali and Snaggle. They want to get married like rn, and are like “Aria, marry us plz.” Aria’s like, wtf no. You cockblocked me so I could fucking officiate for you? Rude.
But of course, Aria caves, so I’m assuming next episode Ali will have a ring on her chubby wittle finger.
The ending scene goes to A’s lair, naturally. A has a universal remote control and a piece of wedding cake. Wedding crasher much? I wonder who A dressed as?
A: I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.