Pretty Little Liars Recap: Orange is the New A

Welcome back betches, to the recap of the most confusing show for young people to ever exist. Is it me or does everyone else scream at their television 2-3 times per episode like (it helps imagining Billy Eichner)… WHY HAVEN’T THEY GRADUATED YET ? TROIAN BELLISARIO IS LEGIT GOING TO BE 40 IN LIKE 3 DAYS… HOW IS TOBY A COP HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR 2 DAYS AGO AND LIKE USED TO HOOK UP WITH HIS SISTER…. WHY IS EZRA TRYING TO OPEN A CHEERS OF ROSEWOOD HE IS DATING A TWEEN.

I’m positive this season is going to be amazing and by amazing I mean as absurd as possible. The liars are going to be investigating Mona’s murder! During their senior year summer of course. They’re so cool ugh. Let’s go over what happened during the first episode of the 2938282th season of PLL aka BEST SEASON EVER, until next season.

The funeral

So like why was the funeral 3 months later if the smartest cop ever Detective Tom Cruise announced to the press that it was CONCLUSIVE Mona was murdered judging by the amount of blood was at the crime scene. It just couldn’t possibly have been someone else’s blood. I mean we’re talking about the world’s best detectives here so like…obv. Anyway, everyone’s wearing leis at the funeral because Mona Vanderwaal is Hawaiian? Either that or this entire town is in DG.

Ali shows up not in black to apologize and gets punched in the face, which was on par with Snooki getting punched in the face. She may have got slapped but if thats the case then I probably imagined she was punched, but either way the story is that she was punched and it was awesome and that’s the end of this conversation. Okay one last thing: the liars have a large array of funeral dresses I wonder if they Rent the Runway.


Hanna spent the entire episode mourning Mona’s death. When she wasn’t accepting random stuffed animals from Mona’s mother, she was listening to the Mrs. Grundle, the town “psychic” aka a crazy old lady who shouldn’t be walking around the town without nurse supervision. HEY LADY YOU’RE SCARIN ME. Hanna thought she was giving her metaphysical information about Mona’s location in her afterlife …“she is stuck in a dark cold place” but really Grundle was just reminding herself about the casserole she needs to take out of her fridge.


LOL Aria, has a rape whistle, uses it in the park, doesn’t use it when she’s actually getting staple gunned to a wall. Doesn’t get into Oberlin, chalks it up to A’s meddling, couldn’t POSSIBLY have anything to do with say spending all her free time fucking her english teacher or putting together awful Wet Seal inspired ensembles. Or killing Shana. Caleb decides to help her find out if “A” really tampered with the school’s admissions so he sits her down on his hacking computer and tells her to “figure it out.” Then she consoled her hot brother for a sec. That was cute. Then he started bawling. That wasn’t.


Emily spends the episode trying to understand why oh why Bruce would ever want to leave Rosewood! Maybe we can convince your parents to let you stay! She claims her parents are trying to get her somewhere “safe” which is obviously the most sane thing any parent has ever done on this show, but that’s prob a cover. I’m sure the minute she heard news of Mona’s murder she begged her parents to move… IDC I WILL MISS GRADUATION, I WILL MISS PROM, I DONT CARE IF I WONT GET TO WEAR ANOTHER PANTSUIT AGAIN WE NEEEEED TO LEAVE. And for that reason, she was out. Meanwhile sweet Emily was like, pick me, choose me, love me, and Bruce was like, nah you bitches crazy. Then Emily cried a little at the airport, in shorts? in March? in PA? and that’s how their relationship finally ended #BYEBYEBRUCE


Remember that time that Spencer thought that planting evidence in a crime scene was a brilliant idea even though her bail was about to be revoked or something. Ugh these girls keep me young. Then Spencer finds a camera (!!) which conveniently dies during the part that shows them breaking into Mona’s house to plant Ali’s hair at the crime scene (which is casually like the darkest thing to happen on this show). This camera shows a person with blonde hair throwing Mona against the stairs. TBH looks like a blonde wig and can be anyone but that’s in the Who Framed Ali theory below. So now because Ali probably killed Mona (based on a tape that Jason says COULD be his sister aka proves nothing at all) Spencer is off the hook for Bethany’s murder and Ali is on it! YAYYAYY LET’S ALL KISS OUR CAN’T POSSIBLY BE A COP BOYFRIEND TOADY (follow up below).


But really, how did Toby become a cop in like 5 seconds? No wonder there are so many murders in this fucking town their police force is literally a joke. Are you even allowed to be a cop if you’ve previously been accused of murdering like 3 people like everyone in this town has been? And isn’t there some sort of conflict of interest with Toby being put on the case of his current girlfriend and also referring to the victim as “Mrs. D.”

Mona’s mom: Hanna, I want you to take care of this random stuffed dog. I don’t know whose it is but like, here.

Like 6 people have died before these girls have heard back from their colleges.

“I bet Mona is still alive,” thought every person that’s ever watched this show.

What does Jason like, DO? Where is he most of the time that he’s like always so perfectly tan? Why is he so hot? This isn’t an LOL moment this is a genuine concern. Why is he SO HOT. 

I like how they call this episode Through a Glass Darkly, like without any A pun or anything! So I obviously googled it and it was some weird movie about 4 people who act as mirrors for each other. Maybe when I am high I will try to analyze this or maybe you guys will do it for me. Idk Idc. 

Bruce: How did you get past security?
Emily: I bought a 69 dollar ticket to AC
… I feel like the writers are trying to prove themselves by adding this in like YEA WE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GETTING TO THE GATE TO TRY TO STOP SOMEONE FROM LEAVING BUT LIKE HOW DO THEY GET PAST SECURITY WITHOUT A TICKET?!  BOOM WE PUT THIS PIECE IN THERE. WE KNOW OUR SHIT. WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE THINGS BELIEVABLE… but like then they stage like this ridiculous firework display with a display not even the people at Disney know how to make so like yeah you’re all morons.

Who framed Ali and other concerns

So we all know Ali didn’t like, kill Mona right? Because when everyone is so positive about something on this show it’s never truly the case. So who did it!?
This person could have been wearing a wig.
1. Ali’s twin (whoever that is I still stand by this theory)
2. Jenna
3. Lucas (I just really like picturing him in a wig, I don’t really think he killed Mona, but I do think he would frame Ali)

Actually if Mona is alive then Lucas probs did it, I mean if they had the camera there it was def a set up. DUH. But then why can’t Ali give up her alibi of what she was doing that afternoon when she wasn’t killing Mona? Will her alibi ruin her? Was she getting LIPOSUCTION!?


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