This week we caught up with our group of Liars as they dealt with the very normal high school trauma of coping after being kidnapped by psycho killer. They all have less hot/funny Orange is the New Black flashbacks and handle the situation a little differently- but all agree that going to therapy and confronting their fears head-on is just absolutely not a thing. Their asinine reasoning of things is why they haven’t graduated high school yet despite the fact that these real life actors are pushing 30.
After they’ve been “rescued”
After being saved from their underground torture chamber, they liars are totes chillin in the hospital room having a sleepover and talking about their feelings, because apparently this hospital has no staff that tells them to go the fuck to sleep.
They are talking about Andrew and how the police apparently found a diary about how much Andrew hates them all, and they act like this is a shock- FYI, everyone hates you. This is def not their first rodeo of the whole “hate fueled attempted murder” thing.
Hanna: The police found Andrew’s diary, and at first they thought it was a sad hand written book, but then they realized it’s just another person who fucking hates us.
Aria’s freaking out and screaming that it must be Andrew because she’s been fucking a teacher for the last few years so she’s really knowledgeable.
Aria: Charles is Andrew. Andrew is Charles. Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn!
Spencer assures the liars that the police have been doing a kick-ass job of finding A in the last 6 years and eventually, sometime in the next millennium and through the process of elimination, they are bound to figure it out. Rosewood PD sucks, Rosewood nurses DGAF and Rosewood teachers fuck their students. Rosewood really needs a better HR department.
ALISON, THE SAINT AMONG LIARS
The scene switches to Alison, who looks like every soccer mom in existence rolled into one. She’s talking to her dad about how she “had” to save her friends, and he’s making an argument about how she needs cut the Joan of Arc crap and stop trying to be a martyr for her shitty friends.
Ali: I had to be a good person Dad!
Ali’s Dad: You’ve literally never been a good person, so why fix what ain’t broke?
Ali acknowledges the elephant in the room (no, not her expanding stomach) and asks her Dad about Charles DiLaurentis. Her dad looks at her like she has spoken in Japanese and completely denies that Charles exists.
Ali: Who is Charles?
Ali’s Dad: What?
Ali: Not what, who, you retarded fuck.
Alison tells Spencer that her Dad denied knowing of Charles and Spencer pulls a “no offense, but” and basically calls Ali’s dad a lying sack of shit. It’s the first time in a while that we agree with Spencer. Alison is left with her thoughts to wonder: should I trust the guy who had an illicit affair and wanted to leave four innocent high-schoolers to die in a cave, or nah? We’ve all been there.
She then runs into lizard faced Toby and his chocolate thunder partner Lorenzo, and she immediately eye fucks the shit out of him. She has a salty exchange with Toby about how she has been through “so much”, even though she wasn’t kidnapped, and then leaves to pick up her kids from swim practice.
Lorenzo: So that’s the famous Alison DiLaurentis.
Lorenzo: no one told me she was so chubby
Alison sneaks out to go to church and runs into Lorenzo again, who swears that he won’t tell anyone that Ali is a churchgoer, because in Rosewood they use the most irrelevant shit against each other. They meet up at a diner because Lorenzo gives zero shits about being a cop flirting with a high school girl and they talk about Ali’s religion secrets. Ali says she “used to go to church as a kid,” soooooo like 3 years ago, right?
Ali: No one can know that I have a soul, mmkay?
Lorenzo: Want a slider?
Emily decides to go meet the other girl who was kidnapped, Sarah, because she’s the leader of the lesbian welcoming committee. Sarah literally only speaks in sentence fragments and sounds like a Rosetta Stone tape for people trying to learn English.
Sarah: I was kidnapped. I was there for two years. He took me. Domo misto bot, do misto roboto.
Emily’s mom tells her that Sarah left the hospital with her mom and Emily finds that kind of sketchy, because no one is apparently allowed to have a mom except Emily. So she follows the cardinal rule of Rosewood: sit and do nothing now, ask questions later.
Coping makes Emily even butchier than usual, as she is already wearing a baseball tee and decides to pair it with a cargo jacket. She decides to open her dad’s “safe” which is like wayyyy too easy, and looks upon his guns like “this will do.”
She is somehow allowed in a private shooting range with a top-notch gun and unlimited ammo because #Rosewoodproblems. After going all American Sniper, her mom decides to be like “woah hold up, that’s illegal for you to be shooting.” But, come on, does the Rosewood PD really give a fuck?
Emily continues to go to the private shooting range until eventually her mother decides to be a legit parent and yells at her.
Emily’s Mom: Never bring anger to a firing range!
Emily: Let me live my life plz.
Emily cries about all the bad people in the world and how she is afraid and her mom immediately forgives her because no one knows how to be an adult in Rosewood. Shortly thereafter this sob fest, Emily decides to make life really difficult for all the bad people out there and leave her window open, walk outside alone at 2 am, and approach a faceless stranger, who turns out to be her probs-potential love interest Sarah. Sarah has decided to run away, pt. 2 featuring Emily Fields because the first time was such a fucking success. Sarah says she got Em’s address pretty easily, making reason #492 of why bad people can easily get them all.
Sarah: My mom got a bunch of attention when I was kidnapped and now she’s mad that it’s gone. It’s oddly similar to the attention I’m craving from you right now.
Emily’s head is still full of chlorine and lesbo fantasies with Sarah that she doesn’t even realize this girl is super fucking sketchy.
WHO’S AFRAID OF THE DARK? SPENCER
Spencer is snuggling with her BF Toby in the hospital and is telling him how she never gets sleep anymore, never mentioning the fact that her and the Liars are up until the wee hours of the night talking about Andrew’s diary. Logically, she thinks the only way to sleep is to pop a pill because she’s a fucking addict. Flashback to when Spence had an adderall addiction like a season and a half ago, lolz.
Toby is telling Spencer a bunch of info about the case, which is like a major conflict of interest right? Do the writers of PLL consider any standard police conduct at all when they write this shit?
Spencer goes home and realizes her mom took all of her drugs and she turns into The Hulk and starts yelling at her. Spencer tries to quit cold turkey and go to sleep, but gets scared and uses one of Emily’s obviously borrowed combat boots to prop the door open and shed some light in on the room.
Spencer: Wow, you took my drugs because you are worried about my well-being?! This house is a fucking prison! On planet Bullshit! In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Spencer is again listening to Toby talk about stupid shit and about the case that she probs shouldn’t be having insider information about. He tries to get Spencer to open up about being tortured in the cave but she’s real busy suffering from PTSD at the moment and tells him they’ll do a raincheck on the whole “sharing” thing. Since Spencer is basically The Walking Dead rn, she has no time for Toby’s thoughts that maybe Andrew isn’t the guy who kidnapped them.
Toby: Thinking logically here, it makes no sense that Andrew did all this.
Spencer: You died in like, the second book.
She goes to Aria’s to pretend to give a shit about her life and is immediately drawn to Aria’s stash of prescription medicine like a dog in heat. Obviously she steals some and brings it home to hide from her well-meaning mother. She hides her stash of drugs in her dresser drawer, like a fucking orphan hiding an extra scrap of food for save-keeping. Her mom comes in to check on her, and decides to boycott sleep for her sake.
Spencer’s Mom: Can you sleep?
Spencer’s mom: Okay let’s watch Interstellar because that movie is boring AF.
ARIA LIES AGAIN BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT
Aria is full on Janis Ian obsessed with Andrew and she just fucking won’t let that shit go whatsoever. She goes to a café and runs into Ezra who isn’t very comforting and isn’t even hot enough to get her off this hell-bent “Andrew” thing. Ezra thinks being kidnapped will make Aria the Judy Blume of her generation and offer great material for a book. Are you there Rosewood PD, it’s me, Aria? And I’m underground, please get me the fuck out of here.
She goes to the jailhouse with her mom to report Andrew and is confronted with that fact that there is literally no evidence to fully support that Andrew did anything. So obvi, we move on to Plan B and do EXACTLY what they did to get themselves in all this mess in the first place, and she fucking lies.
What is more blunt? Aria’s desperate plea for help radiating from the tips of her heinous hair-cut, or her VERY obvious lying to a fucking prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Did you see Andrew in the cave?
Aria: ::looks down, twirls hair, looks to the side, bites her nails:: uh…. Yes. He was, uh, there. In the cave, yeah.
Aria’s mom asks the question I have been asking for six seasons- how could a high schooler do all this? FANTASTIC QUESTION, FOUR FOR YOU GLEN COCO. Aria continues to sound like a fucking lunatic and it gets so old, so fast. It’s true! It’s Andrew! Andrew is just as crazy as Charles, Andrew is just as much as a killer as Charles, EVERYONE SHOULD TOTALLY STAB ANDREW.
Aria talks to Spencer about the whole thing and admits to being a total fuck-up and lying to the police, to which a zonked out Spencer DGAF’s about. They’ve already been kidnapped, it’s like what else could really happen at this point? It’s not like the Rosewood Police are even real.
Aria’s mom eventually comes to have “the talk” with Aria- not the sex talk, but the talk about how she is basically about to commit perjury- with way too much lax. Aria gives a sob story about her time being kidnapped and they hold each other, while Aria continues to whisper “but it seriously was Andrew” in her mother’s ear.
HANNA’S PSYCHOTIC HOME MAKEOVER
Hanna comes home to a room that looks like whoever put on the wallpaper had a seizure halfway through and a mother who is trying to fatten her up for the winter.
Hannah’s Mom: “I’m going to order you take out food because I don’t want to leave you alone.” She says as she exits the room, leaving Hanna alone.
Hanna continues to have a BF about the room thing and Caleb has to suffer through it, acting like the scorned husband in a bad episode of House Hunters.
Hanna really has a boring storyline that consists of Caleb and her mother both a) eye-fucking each other eerily and b) trying to console her to no avail.
CALEB TRIES TO:
Talk her out of sleeping on the floor or in an empty room. Hanna should really listen to him because he’s been both homeless AND on a failed ABC family spinoff, so he’s seen some hard times before. He doesn’t want Hanna to have to suffer the same fate.
He then takes a much smarter route and tries complimenting her for brownie points. He figures, hey, she used to be fat, she’ll do anything for a fucking compliment. And he’s not entirely wrong.
Caleb: You’re so brave.
Hanna: And pretty, don’t forget pretty.
HANNA’S MOM TRIES TO:
Bribe Hanna with food repeatedly. When that doesn’t work, she desperately tries to pawn Hanna off on her friends.
Hanna’s Mom: Want to hang out with you friends?
Hanna: Seeing as how we all were forced to torture each other in that cave, not fucking really.
She tries to ask Hanna what happened in the A-cave and Hanna flashbacks, saying aloud that they were “forced to play games of truth or dare.” Hanna’s mom sits silently for awhile, no doubt wondering where she should order Hanna’s next takeout meal from.
Hanna ends up being the least important but also least annoying liar of the episode. Love when that happens.
The episode ends with the four liars all on the phone, talking about something we can’t hear because an unknown dramatic folk song is playing over it, and Alison looking at baby picture in a photo album, oooooohhhh riveting.
What will next week hold? Will Emily be able to keep her hormones at bay around the sketchy girl Sarah, who is probs an evil person? Will Alison go black and not go back? Will Aria just ditch the whole “Andrew” obsession thing and develop a normal hobby like scrapbooking or gardening? Will Spencer ever be able her usual annoying, busy-bodied, fully-rested self again? Will Hanna go to IKEA? Who knows at this point, I mean reAlly.