This week on Pretty Little Liars, The Show That Doesn’t End: Betrayal. Phallic protein drinks. LESBIAN BETRAYAL.There’s actually a ton of ground to cover in this episode, so let’s begin.
Just another day in Rosewood, where a lady who is neither active in the church nor married to the pastor decides to throw a blood drive. Who are the only people to come? Of course, the four people in town who know full-well that someone has a store of evidence that they would like to connect them to a crime but presently doesn’t. You know who could really use all that blood? Mona. Too soon?
(Btw, this is exactly how church ladies are – so much shade. The original betches, only with fewer trips to CVS for Plan B)
Is Mikey M the newest Pretty Little Liar (maybe the Prettiest)? Also, wouldn’t him trying to access blood samples be met with more than “Young man, what are you doing?”
Aria, who has all but confirmed that she’s raiding my grandmother’s closet, is so shaken by Mike trying to steal her blood that she can’t do algebra (she’s a senior in high school, btw). PEMDAS, Aria! PEMDAS! She cheats off the Super Nerd (which is actually believable), which he confronts her about (which is not believable, at all). Also, bro looks like he’s about 30 by now.
It’s time once again for everyone’s favorite part of the show, “Let’s Make a Lame Nod to Diversity and LGBT Issues While Avoiding Making Anyone Uncomfortable.” Today Emily, one of the show’s two ambiguously ethnic and gay characters goes on a bike ride with Talia, the show’s OTHER ambiguously ethnic and gay character. They sit under some trees, ask each other really stupid questions, and make out while some really gay music plays. This exchange happens:
Emily: “When you’re going downhill, standing with your feet on the pedals, it’s the closest you can get to flying.”
Talia: “Totes. Except for airplanes, hang gliding, bungee jumping, skydiving, roller coasters, wakeboarding, etc. Also, I may be old enough to be your mother.”
Thus concludes this week’s edition of “Let’s Make a Lame Nod to Diversity and LGBT Issues While Avoiding Making Anyone Uncomfortable.”
Looking remarkably good for a man who died over 20 years ago, Kurt Cobain and his cutoff jean vest have some news for Spencer (after taking the time to berate her for going to college, again): He’s painting a mural at Hollins! “That’s a really big get,” Spencer says, knowing nothing about the art scene. Also no one cares if you were asked to paint a roof at the fucking local community college.
Ali calls Mike, and Aria answers. A whole bunch of Tom Fuckery ensues:
- Aria thinks shouting ALISON?! repeatedly will smoke out the truth. Maybe she really does need that tutor.
- (Ostensibly) Alison gives her name as “Hank Mahoney” after it’s announced she’s calling from LADYJAIL. Who does she think she’s fooling? Mike, who already knows it’s her when she calls? The other inmates, who already know her real name? The other girls, who know that the only person who would call Mike from ladyjail is Alison, and if it were someone else it wouldn’t be someone named Hank?
- Aria confronts the new Hot Mike, who is looking SWOLE with those 10 lb curls, bruh. ENOUGH WITH THIS BALONEY MIKE WHO IS HANK MAHONEY?!?!?
- Mike reaches for his Power Mass, the most homoerotic protein drink money can buy. There’s actually blood in it (probs some weed, too).
Back to Emily and Talia, to remind us they exist – Talia’s actually married! To a man! The theme of the episode is taking shape: Mike fucks Aria over by stealing his sister’s blood. Talia fucks Emily over by being in a secret marriage. The next scene is Joey from Blossom BETRAYING Spencer because, surprise, the “mural” was just plain old vandalism! And it’s in the paper, because of course nothing else of interest happens in Rosewood, like murder. All that’s left is Hannah, already mildly fucked over by her mom who, despite having worked at a bank, doesn’t know how student loans work (or exist).
Emily, riding her bike with the grace of birds in flight, spies Hot Mike withdrawing cash from the ATM (and then skateboarding away, because why not). Did he leave the receipt? YOU BET. Apparently he’s pulling the money from an account flush with $18k. He must be A, because A always has access to a lot of money!
(WHY does no one ever question this, btw? The shit A’s capable of doing, the equipment that he/she/Batman has, it all must be incredibly expensive. You’d think that would narrow down the list of potential suspects in a small town considerably.)
Meanwhile, Hannah needs money for the absurdly expensive schools she applied to because she apparently doesn’t know how financial aid, or prices, or anything work. She asks her dad, who seems very rich. It doesn’t go super well.
Hannah: ”I know you have something worked out with mom, but these are literally the only schools I applied to.”
Dad: “Tough shit, I have another daughter now who got into a school that people watching will actually recognize. I’m paying for that. You get $10k per year. And none for Gretchen Weiners.”
The smart move here would be to have Caleb hack into Hot Mike’s computer while he’s gone to see what they can find. Instead, after a hilarious moment where everyone looks to Emily to drive stick (because she’s a lesbo, get it?), they talk the dweeby guy into tailing him to a diner. And then standing in plain sight in the vestibule while they spy on him. Cyrus Petrillo (that guy!) confronts them. He looks like he’s ready to make a deal. Dudley Do-Right scares him off. What an asshole.
While the others make their way back from what looks like West Virginia, Hannah goes to Ezra for support. I half expect them to start fucking, but instead he suggests she follow his dream of being a human hot dog.
Ezra : “When I was young my parents were convinced I wouldn’t amount to much.”
Hanna: “And? What happened?”
Ezra: “I didn’t amount to much.”
Ugh, how annoying is Talia? She asks to speak but she’s like outside Emilys fucking house and doesn’t even let Emily screen her texts. That’s rude, and it’s not like Emily doesn’t have enough stalkers in her life. It turns out she’s married because her husband is her “best friend.” Yeah, because that’s how that works. Why get a divorce and just be roommates when you can put off every person who might care about you?
A puts blood on the evidence, conveniently labeled with everyone’s first name because medical procedures are just like going to fucking Starbucks. Oooh, Emilys blood isn’t in there – if only someone could figure out why that may be the case! Can this show end?
- Mike is up to too much bullshit for him to be A. Remember last time, when he was breaking into houses wearing the A uniform but it turned out he was just an angsty teen? I bet he’s actually somehow trying to help Aria/figure out who the killer actually is.
- Hannah’s dad is A
- Pastor Ted is A