Welcome back. ABC Family decided to take a break last week, which means you didn’t get to read my drunken ramblings about this stupid ass show. But lucky you, I’m back and more blacked out than ever so let’s get started, shall we?
A TALE OF TWO DRUGGIES: SPENCER
We meet up with Spencer as she yells at Emily about how Kimmy Schmidt (or whatever that redheaded girl’s name from last episode) is actually A. Emily can’t believe that’s true, because she lives in a fucking lesbian fairy land where people just queef rainbows and sunshine.
Spencer is also convinced that Mona- you know, the person who continuously fucks them over season after season- had something to do with it as well. Spencer’s like “Mona was passing out juiceboxes and crackers while we were all dying”– are you seriously just now realizing the sketchiness of this whole thing?
Spence makes plans with Hanna to go to Philly, but gets stopped by the hot-druggie guy. I literally googled “hot drug guy from PLL” and learned his name was Dean. The more ya know.
Anyway, Dean is at her house because he was “in the hood”- which is ABC Family’s way of using ebonics to reach a different demographic. He gives a journal of an old sponsor who apparently went through “some hard times.” Seriously? Spencer ate one pot brownie- stop fucking acting like she’s addicted to meth. At first I did not know it was a diary, I thought it was a sad handwritten book- this is my gift to you.
Spencer is telling Dean about how she is valediction and she doesn’t want to give a speech at graduation. She literally goes on and on about how fucking stupid the speech is, so he’s like “okay, don’t give the speech.” She looks at him like he’s batshit crazy- like, how dare he agree with her?!
Also, I like how Spencer’s fucking sponsor looks like he came out of an Abercrombie catalog when like 90% of AA sponsors are like 57 year old women. What are the odds!
Spencer: I was hanging out with Dean today
Hanna: LOL @ Toby
Hanna and Spencer steal Kimmy Schimdt’s car- without ever being noticed, I might add- and find a shit ton of animal cages, which obviously must be for them. God forbid Kimmy have a fucking dog. Even worse, they find a bunch of fake hipster glasses that look like they are just RealD 3D glasses with the lenses popped out. Where did Kimmy get all these glasses? Did she just fucking raid a Claire’s?
Spencer is awkwardly waiting for Caleb and making small talk with the town’s rogue-lesbian, Sarah. They are chatting about how smart Spencer is compared to Sarah’s retarded ass, and Spencer is like “ugh I’m so over school.” Well, that makes sense, because you’re fucking 30 years old. Sarah convinces her to do the speech because apparently all the Liars have a soft spot for women who look like Draco Malfoy.
Spence comes home to hot addict guy just chilling on her front porch. I love when drug addicts do that! He’s real pissed off at Spencer because he thought she was dead- because nothing is quite as a fatal as a marijuana overdose.
Dean tells her that he can’t be around her because he just wants to kiss her. AA is like the new Match.com. Spencer backs away from him, because she’s still dating that crater-face Toby, and Dean drives away. Womp womp.
They break into the science lab where Kimmy Schimdt works, to “get clues” and Spencer tells the girls to search her drawers for receipts of items in involved in the kidnapping. Because when you kidnap five people, you obviously store the evidence at your place of employment.
Some shit happens (we’ll get to that is a second) and Mona shows up. Huge shocker. Because Mona doesn’t surprisingly show up places in EVERY FUCKING EPISODE. Mona tells Spencer that for a valedictorian/drug addict she must be pretty fucking dumb because Charles’ meds made it so his organs can never be donated- aka he’s not dead.
Spencer ends the episodes by going to one of Dean’s AA meetings, basically meaning that Quasimoto/Toby’s days are numbered.
ARIA IS STILL HOT FOR TEACHER? SERIOUSLY?
Aria and Clark/Chris from “Everyone Hates Chris” are in the photo booth and Aria is caught returning Clark’s photos that she originally had stolen. Clark thinks she stole the pictures because there was pictures of her that she didn’t like-which seems like something Aria would totally fucking do. Clark laughs it off and still tries to hit on Aria. He’s barking up the wrong tree with that outfit though- no one has gotten a handjob in cargo pants since ‘nam.
Clark: LOL you stole my belongings! Want to go get a scone?
Aria recruits Emily to help her search a junkyard for any evidence of A. Emily’s always dressed like a fucking garbage-man anyway, might as well put her to work. They discover that Clark, who btw has a massive mouth clearly made for Honeycomb, is in the junkyard too. What a pleasant surprise!
Emily has to leave and Clark damn near nuts his pants in excitement. He tells Aria that he can take her home and she’s like “how can I say no?” This is exactly why these girls are always getting kidnapped. Emily’s the worst friend ever- oh okay, you’re going to go home with a guy you barely know with a killer on the loose? Okay, love ya, bye!
Clark is being wayyyyyy too nosey and is like “I don’t mean to pry, but….” That’s like saying “no offense, but…” We all know what’s coming after that. Aria gets a little weirded out by him, but then they split up to go find Aria’s “missing tripod.” Aria encounters like ten trick mirrors and clown masks. Who the fuck owns this junkyard? Barnum and Bailey? While Clark’s gone, Aria finds a little voodoo doll of herself and the plot honestly doesn’t thicken at all.
Ezra shows up at Aria’s door to deliver a very important application that she forgot at a fucking coffee shop. He tells her that he couldn’t help but review the application and decided to write her a letter of recommendation. Nothing screams “hire me!” like a letter from your statutory rapist.
Aria: No one knows me better than you do.
Ezra: Well I did take your V-card, so yeah.
Ezra sees the creepy doll and is like wtf is that thing– and why do I have a slight boner from looking at it? Aria makes up a lie about how she made it for her photos and Ezra leaves, hoping that Aria will just cut the crap and blow him already.
Aria also goes to Kimmy’s school and walks into the room with all the rats, that Hanna’s bloated ass has let out. Aria argues with Mona about how “Clark caught A in a photo” and Mona’s like “if A was in a photo, it’s cause A wanted to be in that photo.” Aria’s like, well shit.
Aria goes back to see Ezra at his stupid fucking café, with hopes that she might be able to do some “Zack And Miri Make a Porno” shit on the coffee-machine, to sadly see him flirting with another girl. As my grandma always said, all good teacher-student relationships must come to an end.
YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK: HANNA
Hanna is with Spencer and Emily, trying to get Mona to come over for a playdate. but Mona is grounded for being caught trespassing in an abandoned mental asylum- ugh her parents are like, so annoying.
Caleb comes over, because Ms. Marin lets him in. Caleb is trying to be loving towards her, and acts concerned over a big bump on her neck, but Hanna looks at him like he’s got Ebola and fucking sprints out of the room. Keep your caring and sensitive feelings away from me, Caleb.
Caleb: Hey Hanna, how’s it going?
Hanna: Please stop talking
Hanna’s mom tells her before she leaves to use the buddy system- is she a fucking camp counselor or a parent?
Hanna texts Emily asking how to “break into a science lab”, even though every fucking episode they break into a building. You do the exact same thing as last time- infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier.
While struggling to figure out how to break into a science lab, Hanna commits grand theft auto in a very public setting. Being dressed like an H&M mannequin and telling a nerdy valet that you love him gets you a fucking Range Rover in this goddamn town.
Spencer: Hanna you can’t just steal a car!
Hanna: Oh shut the fuck up, puff and stuff.
Hanna and Spencer are digging around in the stolen car and Hanna smells a hairbrush, saying it “smells like a litter box”. Why the fuck would you smell a hairbrush anyway? Hanna is clearly related to the creepy thin man from Charlie’s Angels.
Spencer asks Hanna why she is being such a bitch to Caleb and she starts talking about how they (Caleb and her mom) think she’s weak and don’t think she can cut her own meat. That’s not a metaphor, she literally means that they help her eat her meals. Leave it to Hanna to relate everything to food and bring us the most random lines of dialogue in the episode.
Meanwhile, Caleb is at Ezra’s coffee shop reading a Chicken Noodle Soup For The Teenage Soul book about toxic romance and runs into Hanna’s mom. Talk about awkward. Might as well just pop a Viagra in rn, just to solidify how much of a big bitch you are.
Hanna’s mom tells a story that is supposed to comfort Caleb, but is actually a story about how young Hanna had like legit depression.
Ms. Marin: Hanna used to laugh at death, and cry at laughter!
Caleb: Seems legit
Hanna’s mom says she finally got glimpse of the old Hanna recently. Hanna left the freezer open after undoubtedly opening it to shove her face in ice cream, and ruined a bunch of groceries. What a crack-up! And then, Ms. Marin went and yelled at her, and Hanna smiled! If that’s not progress, idk what is. She basically gives Caleb the O.K to be totally insensitive and mildly abrasive towards her teenage daughter. God bless.
Caleb finds Hanna dressed like a Sons of Anarchy character and tells Caleb that she isn’t weak- look at me. I’m in a fucking leather jacket from Forever 21, I’m basically the Rock. Caleb then man-handles her like the good lord, and Ms. Marin, intended. All that angst and binge eating ice cream has made Hanna really horny, so the two start aggressively making out.
Hanna goes to break into the school where Kimmy works, and she starts buzzing. She realizes that every time she walks towards a certain machine, it buzzes. Either the machine detects people with a high BMI within a 10 ft radius, or they’ve been micro-chipped. Oh, so that’s what these bumps on the back of our neck that have been alluded to all episode are?!
Basically, Kimmy Schmidt actually DOES leave evidence that she was involved in a kidnapping at her workplace. I have finished my entire wine bottle at this point because I deserve it for watching this terrible plot unfold.
In a sponsored moment by PETA, Hanna frees all the woodland creatures trapped in Kimmy’s lab, including a fucking raccoon. Hanna’s only experience with raccoons is from watching Pocahontas, clearly, because she doesn’t realize they are vicious creatures.
The raccoon gets real aggressive and Spencer asks anyone if they “have food”? Of course Hanna has some fucking food. That’s like asking Emily if she has an extra camo shirt that she can borrow. Obviously, the answer is yes.
Hanna forfeits her cheese-sticks (really ABC Family? Cheese sticks? We get it, she was fat. You couldn’t have given her some fucking carrots?) for the greater good and feeds them to the rodent. Suddenly, the lights go off and Mona, the raccoon whisper appears and all the animals calmly return to their cages.
Mona tells them that Kimmy actually hated Bethany (you know, that girl from Radley who ended up in Allison’s grave?) and that Bethany and Charles escaped together. They were obviously DM-ing El Chapo and exchanged a few tips.
In simple terms, we’re back to Charles being A. I’m just gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.
LESBIAN & LESBIAN-ER: SARAH & EMILY
Emily the lesbian-wonder is busy arguing with Spencer about who A can be. If I had a fucking nickel for every time I have heard this conversation…. Emily swears A can’t be Kimmy, she just too cute to be A. Honestly Emily, how many girl crushes can you have?
Emily: It can’t be Kimmy! She’s so sweet!
Spencer: People can surprise you- I would know, my boyfriend was A for a bit and my sister killed a girl, so.
Emily’s going to go to therapy but decides to take a casual detour through Alison’s driveway. Of course she is riding a bike because no one in this fucking town has a car, and if you do it’s either a) getting stolen by a chubby blonde girl in a floral cardigan or b) a platform for stalkers to harass you on. Which bring us to Ali’s dad- who gets a threating birthday card left on his card window. He flips out at Emily, asking if she has seen anyone put this card on the windshield and she’s like “nah.”
Sarah is getting ready for her first day of work with Caleb and she’s telling Emily how she is scared to screw up. Emily’s like “everyone screws up on their first day”- which seems like a promising attitude to start a career with. Emily then helps a half naked Sarah rub lotion on her back, because #lovewins. Emily brings up therapy one last time, and Sarah shoots it down immediately. Obviously Sarah isn’t feeling comfortable enough to go to therapy yet, and but since I don’t understand her relevance to this show, I dgaf.
Sarah: “Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Sarah you suck. Sarah you suck. It’s so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see one anyway.”
Sarah goes to work for Caleb and he makes a joke about Kimye, which Sarah has no clue about. He’s like…. right, I don’t have time to explain a simple concept like Kanye and Kim combining names- so, let’s learn how to code websites and mobile apps instead. Homegirl barely knows what year it is, but she’s being trained to work for fucking Google.
While wearing one of Emily’s obviously borrowed flannels, Sarah asks Caleb if he knows anything about Ali Dilaurentis because she’s “curious.” Oh trust me Sarah, we know you’re curious.
Meanwhile, Emily’s friend from her habitat trip, Nicole, shows up at Ezra’s coffeeshop. Ezra’s pedophile radar goes off and he runs up to her immediately.
Nicole: Hi, is Emily here?
Ezra: No. Oh man, she went through this really stressful and sensitive personal hardship that has left her emotionally distressed. Here, let me buy you a coffee and tell you about it.
Nicole is here to convince Emily to go to Thailand and do habitat stuff, and Emily thinks about it for like three seconds, then blindly agrees when she convinces herself that Sarah can join. Sarah barely knows how to tie her own shoe, so I’m betting she’s never heard of a mythical place called “Thailand.”
Emily comes home and sees Sarah on her hands and knees. Initially, she’s turned on, but then she notices that Sarah’s orphaned-ass is scrubbing the floors like she’s diner girl from Cinderella Story. Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Turns out, Sarah is bleeding because she got a hit by a car. You would think that’s relevant, but the show touches up on it for a total of like 5 seconds, so whatever. Emily tells them that they are going to run away together and Sarah’s like “my essentially non-existent mother would never let me!” Sarah, don’t act like your mom gives a shit.
Emily tells Nicole about her “friend” and Nicole is like- hey, tell me what the weather is like over there, in the friendzone.
Emily’s informed that they all have been micro-chipped and she stares at herself in the mirror for several long seconds. Damn, I’m one sexy micro-chipped motherfucker.
She comes home to find Sarah asleep on the bed- wait do they share a bed? What in the fuck is happening here? I need more wine. Emily leans in to check if Sarah has a microchip installed in the back of her neck, and Sarah decides that this is a great time to start sucking face with Emily. Emily completely forgets the task at hand (which I’m sure was Sarah’s whole goal) and they make out. How many lesbians are in this town, I mean really?! Every other girl in this fucking town is either a lezbo or a murderer or both.
The episode ends with Ali’s Dad making a bunch of calls to doctors, presumably asking about Charles. No one seems to know Charles, which isn’t shocking because no one in Rosewood actually does their fucking job. He ends up going back to Charles’ gravesite, digging a large hole to either find the body of his “dead” son or the hidden fortune of Kissin’ Kate Barlow.
So that’s it- lots of lesbians and small rodents, along with some fairly obvious revelations in this episode. That’s like, the tri-fecta of quality television, right? Stay tuned for next week- where they hopefully bring back Alison (who would have thought we would miss that middle aged woman?!) and kill off Sarah. Also, I’ll be switching to white wine next week, so yeah. Things are happening people, SUMMER OF ANSWERS.