Pretty Little Liars Recap: Law & Order SVA

This week’s episode of PLL was even more ridiculous than usual. Toady quit his job for love, Ezra and Caleb got attacked by Katniss Everdeen, and Ella Montgomery took a break from thinking about herself to help a student of hers come down from an acid trip.

But the biggest shock of all was obviously the arrest of the entire main cast of this show. We can only hope their skin looks better in prison than Alison’s.

Anyway, we open this week’s episode with a news clip about what’s going on with this trial because apparently after like 5 years someone actually gives a shit that teen girls in this town get murdered every other week.

Perd Hapley: Sara is this kid going down down down?” 
Sara: It looks like one of her classmates knew her abduction was Pulp Fiction.

This is literally the most unrealistic news reel I’ve ever seen but I’m glad Perd Hapley has established himself as the go-to actor for news anchor roles in Hollywood.

Then some rando ginger named Leslie testifies against Alison saying Hanna was stalking her and that Alison told her Mona was going to be ‘eaten by worms’ or some shit. The girls are all like “YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE.” Whatever, Hanna’s getting cheese fries.

Emily on Leslie Stone: I knew she was trouble when she walked in. – Emily’s prob just pissed she didn’t get a chance to make out with another potential enemy.

Then Toby returns from obscurity to ask Spencer how the past few weeks have been when she wasn’t making out with random dudes and dressing like Miss Trunchbull.

Toady: How’d the interview go?
Spencer: Well A hid some vials of blood in my bag, it hemorrhaged and went all over the chair in the middle of my Oxford interview.
Toby: Wait what, I totally wasn’t listening. Do you date me?

The girls then organize some sort of makeshift conference call from prison by having Hanna and Alison call two different cell phones. It’s amazing that the girls can figure out how to manipulate the system like that but have trouble, I don’t know, SCREENSHOTTING TEXTS FROM THEIR SOCIOPATHIC STALKER to save for evidence. 

The girls literally mumble incoherent nonsense and just keep speaking in idioms I literally have no idea what they’re talking about.

“I can’t, there are barracudas with dollar teeth.” – WHAT EMILY are you even talking about. “She used her last laurel and hardy stamp…” WTF this is an obscure reference to the people pictured below who are a comedy double act during the early Classical Hollywood era of American cinema. Are the writers aware of who their audience is?

Alison finally takes them through her time hiding out in the park ::Flashback to Alison chilling alone on a swing and then leaving. SOOO SPOOKY::

Why is Toby being asked to fetch lattes? Maybe because IDK he became a cop in 30 seconds and is like a fucking TEENAGER.

Caleb then visits Hanna in prison and tries to get her to confess by talking shit about Leslie.

Caleb: You need to tell the truth BEFORE THAT FOUR EYED FREAK WHIPS OUT some evidence.” – Four eyed freak? What is that? A 4th grade insult, what gives?

Caleb: Maybe you should tell the truth.
Hanna: LOL we have this discussion every couple of episodes.

Caleb: Do your really want me to show up twice a week and tell you what happened on South Park?
Hanna: I love you. Please keep my Rosewood patch-denim-jacket updated.

The girls then try and investigate FuglyFloralSweaterGate and find out that Kendra, who just happens to have the sweater hanging clearly out of her bag and is chilling next to Emily and Spencer and has been confiding in Ella, Aria’s terrible mother about her drug hideout in the park.

Ella to Aria: Kendra was worried her parents would freak out that she was high as a kite so she hid out in the park until she could pass the cranberries.  – Do the writers of this show just make shit up so they look like they know what’s hip these days in the world of drug references? 

Emily and Spencer then chill in Spencer’s kitchen and talk about boys and have themselves a casual glass of tomato juice. 

Emily: Closed mouth or open? – Seriously Emily, SERIOUSLY?

Ezra then has the brilliant idea to hide Mike away in his cabin so he doesn’t have to testify because A sent him a package filled with big foot’s dick a cow’s tongue. BTW Mike, sweet camo polo with the Jamaican fringe.

Mike makes like Robert Durst and flees for some reason. Caleb shows up to ruin Ezra’s chance of hooking up with both Montgomery siblings and demand that Mike put on his big boy pants and tell the truth.

Ezra: Stop asking Mike to do things like tell the truth. He’s 16!
Caleb: So AM I!!!

After hearing them fight, Mike inexplicably runs away to the forest for absolutely no reason. Honestly, it’s so fucking weird that whenever anyone in this show senses danger they immediately run into the dark forest where they think they’ll be safe.

Ezra and Caleb run after Mike whose car has been shot with a bow and arrow. Some of Rosewoods many lesbians must’ve gotten carried away in gym class.

For some reason Alison and Hanna are in a prison that requires the inmates to constantly be doing laundry. Ali comes up with the brilliant idea to burn herself with an iron and close a dryer on Hanna’s fingers so they can…discuss their encrypted note in private-ish? I really have no fucking idea.

Julie from Friends: This is a murder trial ladies. Give me the note.

Toady shows up to profess his love for Spencer and give his reasons for becoming a narc for half a season.

“I fought with my dad about it I even got a shitty haircut, all for you!” He then romantically chooses Spencer over ‘his badge’.

Toady on fetching lattes for Tanner: So if this is Rosewood’s version of The Devil Wears Prada does that make Toby Anne Hathaway and Tanner Meryl Streep? That seems about right.

Mike then gets pepper sprayed, punched in the face, and tied to a tree because he apparently hasn’t been lifting enough weights to protect himself against A who is most likely a sixteen-year-old girl.

Ezra and Caleb show up just in time to untie him while also appearing as if they just had sex with each other

Ezra: Wait, wait, don’t untie him yet. First, let me take a selfie.

Meanwhile, Aria calls up her bitch Andrew who is nowhere to be found probably because he is the master archer attacking Ezra and Caleb! He’s probably been trying to frame Alison for murder ever since she beat him at the camp archery competition.

In court, Julie from Friends who inexplicably has a non-Asian last name then has a go at trying to prove that Alison is innocent. Her big power play is trying to prove that Alison has a bum arm or some shit and therefore couldn’t have killed Mona because she can’t toss a grapefruit. Where did this bitch get her law degree? Trader Joe’s?

Judge: I don’t like edible objects flying at my nose.
Miss Marcus: Well there goes your social life.

The prosecutor then makes this whole thing irrelevant in like 30 seconds by bringing up Alison’s lame as fuck archery award.

Prosecutor: Did this injury prevent you from being in PE? Keep you from taking archery? Affect your hand job game?

Caleb and Ezra try and tell Tanner who DGAF about Mike like, at all. I think they just pick any person in PLL and make them seem potentially shady.

Caleb to Tanner: Unfrickin believable. Don’t you get it there’s somebody after us! There’s a colonial woman on the plane.

Andrew then shows up to school looking suspicious as fuck telling Aria he couldn’t answer her call last night because he was working on his senior quote. How many sociopathic murderers is Aria going to date? Like, what was his senior quote “I murdered them all.” – Robert Durst.

Also why would A make these weird doll collections she’s such a fucking freak. A is def some weird old lady or a guy who has never been laid. Oh wait, A is Steve Carell in Dinner for Schmucks with his taxidermy. Plot twist!


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