After a decent episode to start the season, PLL is back to airing eps that tell us nothing. What did we learn from this episode? That Alison’s been fucking Holbrook? My grandmother knew that was happening, and she’s dead. Hannah’s mom’s a cougar? Coulda told you that. That Toby’s wholly unqualified to be a police officer? Most cops are, come to think of it, but Toby doesn’t even have a high school diploma (nor does his girlfriend, because she’s a high school student!). All in all, not a lot happened in this episode, but here’s what we do know:
Ali’s still in jail, but not, like, the same jail? IDK. She has some bruises on her arm, because she can’t live a normal life (she was raised by the streets). I call bullshit. She’s in county jail, not a federal penitentiary. I’ve never been incarcerated but I HAVE watched a lot of “Lockup” drunk at 3am, so I think I know what I’m talking about.
Hannah’s (now formulaic) “ha ha” opening line is a sweet hockey reference: “Even though she’s in the penalty box, she’s still playing offense.” Look, just because you were once fat enough to be a hockey player doesn’t give you the cache to make sports analogies.
Spencer: “Why should he [Toby] be the one thats thrown head first into the lion’s den?” Um, maybe because he’s a fucking cop (technically)? Also, when did non-homeschooled kids start speaking in Biblical allusions?
Ezra is apparently opening a bookstore (maybe this was clear in last weeks ep, but IDGAF maybe I missed it). He decides to hire Emily to cater his grand opening, which is a terrible idea – just like opening a brick and mortar bookstore in 2015. Emily wants the promotion from barista to caterer (despite it being a one-time job) so she can buy a plane ticket to go visit Paige. I guess she blew her last $69 on that ticket to Atlantic City. She would have had more fun if she went and stayed in AC, which is saying a lot.
(Btw, didn’t Emily, like, not want anything to do with Paige a few eps ago? Lipstick high school lesbian love is a fickle thing.)
Master Detective Toby finds what is almost certainly Mona’s murder weapon, but his 15 minutes of police training aren’t enough to convince him to bag it as evidence. Caleb, despite being an ultra-smart black hat hacker who probably committed the Sony leaks, doesn’t understand that just because your prints are on something doesn’t mean you’ll be convicted of murder, particularly when you have a good explanation as to why they’re there.
Aria is super sad that she hasn’t gotten into any colleges, not even the made up ones. Maybe she should stop blaming her problems on A and instead consider that she’d have had a better application if she took something other than art classes and “Fucking Your English Teacher 101.”
Hannah decides it’s a good idea to leave her unexplained stuffed animal in her unlocked Benz while she chills with the guy from Duck Dynasty and looks for Holbrook. Looks like he’s been fucking Ali in his dad’s trailer, which is, like, super romantic in a rustic way. Also, apparently Holbrook’s dad really is sick because he can’t tell Hannah from Ali despite his son laying the pipe on her in his single-wide trailer on multiple occasions.
For real, at this point A must be fucking Batman. How did he/she/Batman convince Phil Robertson to give up his deer guts and then stuff them in the teddy bear so quickly and stealthily?
Oh FFS the pottery kiln. Like we didn’t know what would happen the moment Spencer suggested destroying the knife. Also, why did Spencer leave in the first place? What was she looking for? You’d think all the Adderall she used to take would make it such that she’s VERY aware of every bathroom in case of stimulant-induced emergencies.
The whole thing between Aria and Jackie. Like, you have faith that sending this dumbass email will work, yet you don’t think Ezra would be cool with the ploy if you were to let him in on it? #AriaLogic #ThisIsWhyYouDidntGetIntoCollege.
Emily seriously needs to chill the fuck out with these empanadas. Why do you need your mom’s “secret” recipe? Empanadas are just dough wrapped around filling, often something as simple as beef, onions and maybe other vegetables. Like, put down the filo dough and buy some crescent rolls. Also, I’m taking bets on how long it takes for Emily to start fucking the caterer (or “professional,” as Ezra creepily said like 40 fucking times).
HAHAHA HANNAH FIRST YOUR BOYFRIEND FUCKED A GHOST IN RAVENSWOOD AND NOW YOUR MOM’S FUCKING JASON D! I love how they always show guys buttoning their shirts as they leave after sex, as though the shame of what they just did prevents them from staying one second longer than necessary.
(Also, I think this marks the first time in the show’s history where they depict two adults above the age of consent engaging in sexual activity. Way to reach for the stars, PLL.)
So yeah, this episode was shit and is hopefully just setting us up for a couple of better ones. What will Ezra do with the creepy bookmark that either he made or was placed there by A (Batman)? What does Ali’s note mean? Is it something sinister, or was is it just, like, a nice little heads-up from a C.O. (that stands for “correctional officer;” I know this because of “Lockup”) letting Ali know that her friends were signing in at the visitor desk?
We’ll never know until next week, at which point we’ll still know nothing because this show got optioned for like three more fucking seasons.