Welcome back, assholes, to another week of my suffering. Watching this show honestly takes brain cells out of my highly functioning mind and just fucking MURDERS THEM. Slaughters them. It’s unreal.
I digress. So we come back to Hanna, doing what she does best- excessively eating. Seriously, she’s eating leftover wedding cake like a fucking heathen. Meanwhile, Aria is judging the shit out of Hanna while looking like a country western star in a fucking brown vest. John Wayne called, and wants you to get your grimy hands off his fucking outerwear, k thanks.
Emily thinks Ali is desperate for love which is why she married snaggletooth. Much like Dawn Schweitzer being a fat virgin- it’s half-true.
Hanna is like “Yo we can’t go to the cops” and it’s like blah blah. We know, it’s season 6. We get it. Cops bad, lying girls good.
Emily is like “MELISSA DID IT” and it’s like, okay Emily with the blame game. Unless you have a fucking law degree, which you obvi don’t because you can’t even finish undergrad, then I don’t want to fucking hear it.
They are going through pictures on Aria’s camera of the wedding and see that A took pictures, and they’re like, “hmmm how did this happen?” Seriously, how did this fucking happen? There were literally only 15 people at that fucking wedding. And let me tell you, that wedding looked like horse shit. I said ‘no salmon’ 4 times!”
Also, Aria did you just leave your camera out all night? Like among the 15 people there, how did you not notice someone pick up your very expensive item?
The picture says “Bring me the killer by election night, or you lose.” All of this is happening on Super Tuesday, coincidence? Honestly, probably. You know half the idiots who willingly watch this show aren’t registered to vote.
Spencer is talking to her dad and he’s like “okkkkkk time to dump Caleb.” Also, hey Spencer’s dad, good to see you for the first time all season. Glad to see that you’re still a massive cock sucker. Spencer then flashbacks to her and Toby j chillin’ in a shitty dorm room. Ew dorms are so povo.
Mr. Hastings: WHY DON’T WE ALL JUST DUMP CALEB?!
Hanna’s mom is trying to get her to throw a party, because she’s a cool mom, not a regular mom. Ali can’t go because she’s too busy boning a dude with 7 too many teeth, per usual. Her mom suggests inviting Mona, who isn’t sketchy at all.
Aria goes to visit Ezra and they talk about Liam- who, I’m just now noticing, looks a lot like Ezra. Basic white dudes are Freeform’s specialty. #PLLsoWhite
Ezra: Liam seems bright
Aria: He is bright
Ezra: Say crack again
Ezra called Aria’s boss and somehow makes it that Aria is the co-writer of his book, and is not fired. He’s like “do you wanna be my co-author?” and she’s like, “uh do I really have a fucking choice?”
Emily is talking to Hanna and she hears a sound- WOW, A SOUND! HOW AMAZING! GOOD JOB FREEFORM. It’s obviously the car that tried to run her ass over last week. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. (Spoiler: Emily doesn’t figure that out because she’s a college dropout/virgin who can’t drive).
Caleb is at the Radley, trying to get a room when Hanna’s mom comes in. Of course Hanna’s mom offers Caleb the guest room because she’s a fucking cougar.
Back to Emily, who is with Ezra at his coffeehouse/house of statutory rape. She hears that noise again and he explains that it’s “whistle tips” aka something that makes your car really fucking annoying.
Spencer is in a fucking plaid pantsuit- WHAT THE FUCK SHIT IS THIS- and Toby shows up very angry looking to murder Caleb. She has some Miley Cyrus buns on the back of her head as well. Ugh what is this whole look rn? I can’t deal.
Toby goes off about how much he hates Caleb. And Caleb is like “yup, it was meeee.” Spencer begs Caleb to tell him that A is still around and Caleb is like “NAH, BETTA NOT.” Toby’s chode penis grows an inch and he socks Caleb in the face.
Hanna’s mom is having trouble with the remote to her house or some shit and asks Hanna to fix it. Not Emily though because she’s a fucking tard. She tells Hanna that she offered Caleb the guest bedroom and Hanna flips her shit.
Hanna: YOU DON’T LIKE JORDAN YOU LIKE CALEB.
Hanna’s mom: NO, JORDAN IS FUCKING WEIRD AND HAS A SHIT ACCENT AND YEAH CALEB IS AMAZING AND I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES wait what
Emily is that awkward friend who is sitting there when your friend and their parents are arguing and is like “oh, I think my mom wanted to tell me about, uh, that thing, I GOTTA GO.”
Spencer is fixing Caleb’s wounds in a park somewhere? Idk I can’t get over the plaid suit. She looks like a picnic table consumed a law student or something. Vivian Kensington if she was mauled by a blanket, if you will.
Spencer is like “idk who is doing this shit, but we gotta tell Toby.” Oh come on, telling that lizard faced narc aint gonna solve shit.
Liam takes Aria to brunch with some mimosas and she tells him about the co-writer gig. He flips out and then tries to cover it up with sweetness, like when you hit a sibling-“no, it’s okay! Don’t tell mom! You can hit me! Hit me! Don’t tell mom!”
Spencer is still in that fugly suit when Mona shows up. Mona is like, “your leak ruined my life!” And says that she got fired because of Spencer’s leak. And Spencer is like IDFK what is happening rn.
Aria and Ezra are doing co-author things with a mix of sexual tension. And it’s like way too enthusiastic: “THIS CHAPTER IS GREAT!” “WONDERFUL JOB!”
Aria asks why Ezra wants Aria to write with him. He wants Aria to bring Nicole’s voice back, since she was like kidnapped by terrorists and all. Funny, that sounds a lot like “I still wanted to fuck you.” Also, I’m sure this isn’t what Nicole has in mind.
Nicole to Ezra: If I ever get kidnapped in a third world country, please hang out with your ex and have her pretend to be me in the best-selling book you write.
The police chief shows up to Aria’s house and honestly she’s an aggressive lady. Could you just like, chill for sec? The chief says she has an eye witness from the diner who thinks Aria was there the night Charlotte died and she wants Aria to go to a line up. If Law & Order has taught me anything (besides the whole entire fucking law, I basically am the law) it’s that you just do what the police say, otherwise you look shady AF.
And Criminal Minds taught me that if you follow the cops too much, you also look shady AF. Case and point: you’re fucked either way.
Aria’s like “dafuq no, I’ve never eaten there. I’m on an all carb diet, Karen, God you’re so stupid!” The chief convinces her to go to a line-up, where she stands by a bunch of other frumpy hoes.
Emily goes to a mechanic shop owned by a bunch of bikers asking about an SUV with whistler things. How did she know to go to this one shop? Is there only one auto shop in town? Really? And seriously these bikers look they just came back from the local Trump rally, that’s how hick-looking they are.
I swear to god they see Emily and they all start mentally singing “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel. Though they are fascinated that a woman who showers regularly has spoken to them, they are like “I CAN’T HELP YOU.”
Aria leaves the police station and is like, “hmmm if I go around out back I can see the eye witness.” Because it’s Rosewood, of course that’s how things work. The witness is obviously Sara Harvey.
Emily is sneaking around in the mechanics place, because that’s a good idea when it’s run by a bunch of skin heads and Sons of Anarchy dudes who could probs murder you. Okay, it doesn’t even take a degree to know that this is stupid.
One of them shows up right as Emily is taking a picture of the car that tried to murder her #tbt. She shows him a picture of Melissa and asks if this is the car owner and he’s like “that’s not her.” Thus proving what we already know- TRUST NO BITCH.
Aria goes to ask the police chief is the witness is Sara Harvey and she’s like “uh I can’t answer that, obvi.” But then, what luck!, Aria sees a witness statement on the desk. She pretends to spill coffee on it so she can get a better look at the papers while cleaning. The dumbass chief doesn’t even notice. Looks like Emily isn’t the only dropout in this town.
The statement says that they saw an “attractive brunette with pink dice on her keys”? Pink dice? Okay, that’s something only strippers have. And excuse me, it’s an ombre not brunette! I mean seriously, get it right. The police chief is like “we’re not very good at our jobs, you can leave now.”
They are all at Hanna’s party, drinking and talking about murderers. Can’t we do anything without talking about murderers? This is why we can’t have nice things.
They are waiting for Spencer, who is arguing with her dickhole dad at the moment.
Spencer’s Dad: CALEB DOESN’T HAVE THE SAME VALUES AS OUR FAMILY
Everyone who’s ever seen this show ever: DIDN’T YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE WITH ALI’S MOM YOU SHIT FUCK?
Spencer is like YOU’RE HIDING MELISSA and he’s like “she’s being blackmailed!” lol ditto. Blackmail so hot right now. The blackmailer said they knew Melissa helped bury Bethany, so Melissa paid them off in hopes that they would stfu. Then poof! Charlotte dies. And that’s just how the cookie crumbles.
Spencer goes to the girls and is like “Melissa didn’t do it” and they all are like, lol ohhhhkay Spencer.
Mona rolls through with a gift straight out of “Bride Wars” or some shit. It’s a burn book but for love and weddings, basically. She also included the Wilson Phillips CD because they would listen to it all the time when they got their licenses.
HANNA: Omg Helen is taking me to Paris!!!
MONA: Are you fucking kidding me? Look at the cookie! That stupid fucking cookie!
Hanna’s mom invites Mona in, and obvi she said yes.
They play 21 questions and none of her friends know the fucking answer, because DUH they are not friends. Suddenly, the universal remote freaks the fuck out and turns off all the lights and plays metal music. Oh, and also lowkey starts a fire. When a fire starts to burn, amiright?
Aria gets second degree burns, which is like whatever. I’ve gotten worse burns from my straightener. She’ll be fine. Rub some dirt in it.
Toby texts Spencer saying he can meet, so she ditches her burnt friend to meet with her ex.
Flashback to the dorm- they are obvi waiting for a pregnancy test to come back. We’ve all been there. Toby’s like so “uh what do you want to do?” Spencer is like this is not good and Toby is like LETS MAKE THIS ABOUT ME.
They decide that they aren’t on the same page future wise, because he wants her to have a baby when she is 19 and she wants to have a life. Hate when that white, male judgmental side comes out and tries to make decisions about your body!!!
Spencer tells Toby that Caleb didn’t do it and that A is back. Toby is like “oh shit man, I fucked up for getting mad at Caleb.” Because like he totally thought Callahan was hitting on her, but he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.
Spencer is like “I wouldn’t judge Yvonne, since we were basically in the same boat.” So it came back negative? Okay you guys broke up over that? When that shit comes back negative my boyfriend and I raise a toast.
A texts and is like” YOU DIDN’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY SO I THOUGHT I WOULD LIGHT A FIRE UNDER YOUR ASS.” Well done A. *Ellie Goulding song “Burn” plays in the background*
Ezra comes to Aria’s bedside and says he’ll wait for Aria and take her home. Aria almost lets it slip that A is back and Ezra is like wtf is going on?
Meanwhile, Hanna’s mom is trying to force her to re-live high school- “be friends with Mona! Date Caleb! Fuck it- go back to Rosewood High!”
Ezra and Aria are having a moment where he is reading her books and they are staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. They haven’t been romantic lately because it’s obvi hard for Ezra to get it up now that she’s of legal age and all.
Of course, Liam comes in. He tells them the book is approved and then kisses Aria. Ezra is like, k I’m out.
Spencer calls Yvonne to apologize and says “if you need any help, call me” etc. Like Yvonne is going to be like “yep sounds good!” Yvonne is probably calling A up right now to get details on this whole thing.
Mona and Emily are cleaning from Hanna’s party and wahhhh, Mona’s gift got burnt in the fire. It’s okay, Hanna probs didn’t give a shit anyway. If my best friend showed up with a fucking scrapbook to my bridal shower, I would make her sit in a corner and think about what she fucking did. Seriously? Alcohol, or get the fuck out.
Mona goes to her car and pulls out her keys which of course have two pink dice on them. So we’ve learned a) Mona was at the diner and b) she’s probably an exotic dancer. Emily’s like DID YOU DO IT?! and tells her to get in the car, so they can talk this shit out.
We go back to the creepy repair man, cleaning the car A drove and getting like 1000 bucks cash for it. So A’s loaded, clearly. Also, that’s more money than that dude has seen in his whole life. Don’t spend it all in one meth house!