Pretty Little Liars Recap: Confessions Of A Mid-20’s Drama Queen

Welcome back to another week where I sit through my own personal hell, aka Pretty Little Liars, and try not to put myself into an alcohol-induced coma. And shoutout to all the keyboard warriors who love to type shit in the comments—y’all take this show way too seriously.

We start with Mona and Emily discussing Charlotte, who apparently stood Mona up the night of the murder. What kind of loser gets stood up by another chick at a shitty diner?

Emily is like “hey, did you try and kill me last week?” and Mona’s like, uh no? I feel like that’s pretty much the only answer you can give at that point. Emily figures that Mona changed her mind in the trial so that Charlotte would be out of jail and Mona could get to her, which is like real far-fetched.

Mona is like “I just wanted to talk to her” and OKAY that’s a line straight out of To Catch a Predator.

Chris Hanson: Did you know that this was a 13 year old girl?
Mona: I, uh, just came to talk to her.

Mona’s like “WHAT WOULD YOU DO EMILY? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?” *what would you do if your son was at home, cryin all alone on the bedroom floor….* and Em’s like “idk.” Mona’s like, well even if I wanted to kill her, she fucking stood me up so yeah. Of course, this whole conversation is overheard by A.

Aria is like, let’s tell the police it wasn’t me at the diner! Aria’s really seen some shit lately. She got burnt and questioned by the police. All Hanna’s had done to her is getting shitty room service food with a cryptic note. Spencer is like, we believe Mona enough.

Lucas is back. Goddammit. Anyways, he overhears Hanna talking to weird ass Jordan on the phone, and is like “AM I INVITED TO YOUR WEDDING PLZ HANNA INVITE ME.” Hanna’s like, omg yas of course. Where are you gonna seat him Han? No one wants to sit next to the virginal weird kid from high school. You can’t just mix the band geeks with the Plastics, that’s not how this works.

Besides, there is this scenario:

Priest: Speak now or forever hold your pe-

Hanna is like, thanks for letting me live in your house for the past few months, here’s some ties. Wear those ties Lucas, you look like a second place winner at a science fair. He tells Hanna that he’s thinking of buying some factory and giving Rosewood a “second chance”. LOL rookie mistake.

Ali and Snaggletooth are being sexually aggressive in some shit bed and breakfast somewhere in bumfuck nowhere, East Coast. The Ali from Season 3 would have been honeymooning in fucking Paris rn. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Speaking of falling, Ali trips on her skanky heel and takes a tumble down the stairs, effectively knocking herself out. OKAY, did I not set that up just perfectly?

Ali’s in the hospital with a concussion, and Snaggle is like, you need to stay in the hospital. She’s like but whyyyyyyyy and it’s like, because that’s how injuries work dumbass. The manager of the shit hotel is like “we’re checking the carpet and bannister” and it’s like duh you know that shit is tampered with.

Ali: I was really happy before I fell, maybe this is my karma
Snaggle: That’s not how the Universe works

ARE YOU SURE? Because pretty sure it’s an established fact that what goes up, must come down. Also, Ali it’s not karma, you just clearly don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk like a normal fucking human.

Snaggle is like, it’s an accident and he would know all about those, since his face looks like it was a victim of a tragic lawn mower accident. Ali decides to text her friends a selfie of her in the hospital, because concussion photoshoots, so hot right now.

All the Liars are like BULLSHIT, this isn’t an accident. They have 3 days to give up the murderer, because A is a psycho. All the girls are shit talking Mona and Hanna comes to her defense, because Hanna is like, such a good friend.

Aria and Ezra are getting ready to go to a dinner with their boss and Ezra’s talking about how he doesn’t like the book ending or some shit. Aria’s like “okay, fix whatever” and that shit is about to go from an Ernest Hemingway to a 50 Shades of Grey really quick with Ezra’s freaky self.

Hanna goes to visit Ali in the hospital and Ali tells her she is going back to Rosewood when she can gtfo of this hospital. Ali has flowers all over the room, because apparently people like her, wtf?, and Ali says that they are all from Snaggle.

Of course, Hanna is looking at all the flowers and sees a very creepy card that has pictures of a staircase, and all of them on it. Either Snaggle is one fucked up dude, or A is just like, really a dick. Honestly, probs both. Obvi, Hanna steals the card.

Emily facetimes Spencer a video of Mona and Sara Harvey’s body guard dude chatting it up. We’ve all seen House of Cards, I’m expecting some bodyguard three-way action ASAP. Also, how did Emily even remember that body guard? I watch this show every fucking week and make it a point to write down every flaw they have, and even I didn’t remember this. Wow, I need to get it together.

Also, them talking looks like any relationship I have ever had: Mona talking shit and the dude sitting there looking awkward. Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard when he leaves.

Back to Snaggle and Hans. Hanna is like, is this place safe? And Snaggle is like, oh yeah it’s the fucking pinnacle of safety. I’m sure you said the same thing about that B and B, you human chipmunk. He’s like “wow you’re all so loyal to each other!” and it’s like cough, cough, lesbianssssss.

Spencer and Emily follow the bodyguard and act like idiots on crack and pretend to hit the bodyguard’s car. He’s like uhhhh no it’s fine, and Spencer somehow manages to get information on the papers he is holding. I have seen better body guarding by the fucking preteens in Project X. Seriously who is this dude?

Spencer learns that the documents our shit security guard has are blueprints to Radley, because of fucking course. Do they just hand out blueprints willy nilly in this town? God I hate myself every time I watch this stupid fucking show.

Aria is reading Ezra’s newest chapter and it flashes back to a conversation with Ezra and Nicole. Ezra is begging Nicole to come with him, but she’s like nooo I need to stay here, with all the little birdies and the monkeys!

Anyways, Ezra goes to his typical EZRA MAD, EZRA SMASH mode and basically yells at her and leaves fucking pissed off. And yeah, that’s the last time he saw his girlfriend. One girlfriend you took advantage of when she was a teenager, the other you let get kidnapped by terrorists. Let that soak in.

He’s like should we tell the truth in our book or do a fake story, and Aria’s like, which one is going to make us the most money?

Emily follows the bodyguard to a fucking ice cream truck? Wtf? And he’s just casually sitting there, licking a Drumstick, when Sara Harvey drives up and gets something from him. Wait a second, she can’t text and grip shit because of her hands, but she can drive? The streets of Rosewood are not safe. Maybe she was the girl who tried to run over Emily at the diner. She wasn’t really trying to run her over, she was just making a very sloppy three point turn.

Hanna shows Caleb the staircase card. Caleb is like why did you come to me? And Hanna is like “because you can help me solve this, and I still low key wanna fuck you.” They decide to “call A’s bluff”, because that plan has worked every time before.

Spencer is on the phone with Emily, when she is greeted by her boyfriend and his ex. What a time to be alive. They act super weird, and then Hanna makes up some bullshit story about how she killed Charlotte. She starts crying to Spencer and Spencer is like YOOOOO THIS IS HEAVY SHIT.

Then Hanna’s like PSYCH and tells Caleb “if I could convince Spencer, I can convince anyone.” Well that’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. Caleb is like “Hanna knows how to get us out of this” and it’s like NO WTF HANNA DOESN’T KNOW JACK SHIT. LITERALLY ANYTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. SHE KNOWS NOTHING. Why doesn’t anyone understand this? 

Aria and Ezra are at dinner with the editor and she’s like, look not trying to be pushy but I need a fucking book in my hands. Aria’s like we’ll get to it eventually and Ezra is like NAH I GOT U FAM, I’ll have it to you by next week. Ezra’s that dick in every college class who votes against the deadline extension. There is a special place in hell for you.

Hanna and Caleb are pleading their case to Emily and Emily’s like uh, this idea is fucking terrible! And for once, I agree with her. Spencer backs up Caleb and Hanna and is like, well if we don’t support them then they are going to go do it by themselves, *under her breath* like the pack of morons they are. This sounds like every parental argument.

Emily/Dad: We can’t support our daughter moving in with her boyfriend
Spencer/Mom: We need to support her, because if we don’t she’ll work against us. And I want grandbabies!

Hanna is like “yup, we’re in this together” and grabs Caleb’s hand very lovingly. Spencer’s like okay, I’m out and it’s all v awkward. Spencer does what I would 100% do in this situation—make snarky jealous comments and guzzle a shit ton of red wine. I am Spencer, we are all Spencer (without the bangs, obviously.)

Emily also suggests they visit Ye Old Lizard King Toby and let him know about this whole shindig. Again, this idea never works out.

The editor lady tells her that Liam isn’t on the team anymore and Aria is like, uhhhh okay. So I guess that relationship is pretty much dead. Good talk.

Spencer flashes back to a night with Caleb in Europe, talking about art and his foster homes or some shit. Yawn. For once, Spencer actually looks good in a nice dress. You did okay PLL wardrobe, don’t get too excited over your one time you didn’t fail.

It’s a pretty pointless flashback, except it shows major sexual tension between Spencer and Caleb in Europe, which is like right after they both broke up with their significant others. See, I told you it was pointless?

Caleb goes to drop Hanna off at Lucas’ place and he asks Caleb on a very awkward man date. Below are the actual quotes:

Lucas: Do you lunch?
Caleb: Uh, yeah I lunch.
Lucas: Let’s lunch!

A whole portion of dialogue that could have been summed up to “we should get lunch sometime.” Fuck yourself, Freeform.

Lucas shows Hanna the factory he wants to build and is like “if you could have a business, what would it be?” She’s like “obviously I would create a clothing company because I have no other skills really.” If she even THINKS her shit is going to be better than “Clothes Over Bros”, she’s straight trippin. Lucas is like “well here’s a huge company.” Bitches love companies.

Okay my high school friends will barely buy me a beer, let alone give me a fucking factory.

Ali has a dream of some kind and sees her mom, dressed in a fugly green top and with some bushy ass hair. I know they have leave-in conditioner in heaven, you lazy bitch. She tells Ali that Snaggle will take care of her and that she loves her, yadda yadda. For a loving mother, she also looks like she lowkey wants to strangle the shit out of Ali.

Mona and Sara meet up, the two sketchiest bitches on the block. Sara looks like Miley Cyrus if she ate herself and took makeup inspiration from a raccoon. Seriously there is like 6 pounds of eyeliner on this bitch.

Mona is like “leave people alone” and Sara is like “no I need some shit.” Sara is like, aw Mona, you have no friends. Oh stfu Sara. You look like a balloon shaped like Nick Carter and your only friend is a dude who eats ice cream on a street corner like a fucking poverty stricken 6-year-old.

Ezra and Aria are having tea like a bunch of pussies and Aria drops the A bomb on him. She goes from 0 to 100 real quick and is like I HAVE TO END THIS.

Back to Ali and Snaggle. Lucky us. Ali tells Snaggle to go to his conference in Chicago and that when he gets back they’ll resume their daily programing of boning each other (what a fucking gross mental picture.)

Caleb and Hanna present their shit idea to the group, who all agree—it’s a shit idea. Caleb is like this is what’s happening everyone, so fucking deal with it. He’s getting awfully close to Hanna and Spencer looks like she is about to cut a bitch.

Caleb: This isn’t a cheer-ocracy
Spencer: You’re being a real cheer-tator, Caleb!

The plan starts by Hanna sending a message to A saying “leave my friends alone” and then a Carly Rae Jepsen-esqe version of “Call Me” comes on, while the binary code of her text shows up on the screen. A gets the text of that dumbass admitting to murder. It’s about to go down.


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