Gotta love Tuesdays: it’s the night I binge drink until I pass out and the night Pretty Little Liars comes on. Coincidence? I think not.
SPENCER IS A DRUG PUSHER
We met up with Spencer as she discusses that whole minor issue of being micro-chipped with Aria. Spencer is like “we should use these microchips to our advantage to trick A” and Aria’s like….when has that ever worked out for us? I mean really.
When she gets home, Toby is there, hiding behind the gargoyles like the fucking Quasimodo he is. She gets so excited and starts kissing him, like it wasn’t just last episode that she was chillin with that hot druggie Dean. Toby tries to seduce her but it’s like really hard to take him seriously because of his overly feminine voice and his crater face. He sounds like a drunk sorority girl trying to convince her sister to go out tonight: “But Spencerrrrrrr, change your plannnnnsssss.”
Spencer gets a text and Toby is WTF WHO IS TEXTING YOU RN. Spencer lies to him (obvi) and he’s like “Spencer, I want no secrets between us.” Well, you know what Toby, I don’t want to be watching your reptile looking face on my fucking television each week. We don’t always get what we want, okay?
Spencer ends up going to Ezra’s café with Hanna after ditching Toby. God forbid any of them step foot in their fucking high school and sit through a class. Spencer gets a call from Ali and for some reason can’t hear her through the cell phone. Maybe if Ezra wasn’t so busy trying to fuck high schoolers, he could actually manage to get his café near a goddam cell tower. Ali calls to warn Spencer that A/Charles is actually alive and that Spencer needs to go stop Jason from trying to go meet him. Because, remember, Jason is technically Spencer’s brother – and so is Charles. Has no one acknowledged that fact? But it’s like, only a half brother. You have your cousins and then you have your first cousins.
While Spencer is talking to Ali, the druggie girl comes to the table looking for her. Hanna blows her off and the druggie is like “okie doke, well I’m just gonna leave this giant bag of edible gummy bears here!” Have none of the writers of this show ever come in contact with a fucking drug dealer? These people aren’t the tooth fairies of marijuana. Drug dealers leaving weed in your bags without pay – that’s a change I can get behind. Vote Druggie Girl from PLL, President 2016.
Spencer is unaware of her drug filled backpack and decides to go try and visit her retarded half-brother (not the one who is a murderer, the one who wants to hang out with the murderer, keep up.) Jason isn’t there, but the Rosewood PD is. The officers try to contain their raging boners from seeing a bunch of underage girls, and are like “can we help you?” Oh please, Rosewood PD, how many times are you gonna use that fucking pick-up line?
Eventually, the Liars decide to try and catch Charles, with Spencer being the ringleader of this completely stupid idea. She’s been pitching this idea of catching A since 2011 and every time she does it I get a déjà vu and here the Spongebob voice: “2 seasons later…”
Spencer tells the Liars to take out their microchips because none of them can sit through a fucking high school class, but they all can perform medical operations, and she tells Toby all about the events in A-world. Toby decides to go into this shit alone, because that always works out perfectly. But before he leaves for his heroic mission, he needs to refuel! Oh what luck, some delicious gummy bears! I think I will shove about 70 in my mouth and see if Lorenzo wants to play a game of chubby bunnies back at the station!
You’re reading this right: Toby is high as fuck and is about to a) confront a psychopath and b) use a firearm. What a time to be alive.
The Liars are like “LOL fuck that” and decide to chase after A. They all crash Charles’ and Jason’s Childhood Reunion and Toby is like waaaaaaay too fucking stoned for this shit. Toby starts hallucinating and is knocked out by a fucking pinball machine. I may be drunk, but I’m not making this shit up.
When they get back to the station, Toby is sitting a catatonic state because he ate too many gummy bears. Hanna knows the feeling all too well. Spencer leaves her Godzilla/boyfriend in his, first ever in recorded history, “marijuana induced coma.”
The least she could have done was gotten him a few crunchwraps…the selfish bitch.
ARIA & MIKE: THE CREEPIEST SIBLINGS YOU KNOW
Aria is hanging out with Spencer, trying to research how to get a microchip out of their necks. Just another average day in Rosewood. Aria’s phone beeps and she thinks it’s her microchip, because that makes a ton of fucking sense.
When she goes home, Aria decides to play with her doll collection. Shockingly, her brother, Mike, the ghost of seasons’ past, comes in. Mike is wearing a denim shirt and so is Aria. Did they take a family picture at Sears before this?
Mike DGAFs about his sister’s current PTSD and wonders why Mona hasn’t called him back lately. He’s like “did you tell her not to call me? You know, when you were both kidnapped in that cave together?” Sure Mike, we all hung out while we were in captivity, chatting about boys and roasting marshmallows by the fire.
Mike: Did you tell Mona not to call me?
Aria: Honestly, I was a little busy being tortured.
Eventually, Mike decides to stalk Mona, because there just aren’t enough creepy male stalkers in this town, and wait for her in her room. She comes in and Mike immediately starts acting like a little bitch in order to get her back. Mona caves, because it’s not like anyone else on this fucking show wants to date her (although I’m sure she would find a legit suitor in the Rosewood PD or her teaching staff) and the two make out. ABC Family tries to start the hashtag #MikeandMona on the corner of the screen, and it’s like, give it a fucking rest ABC Family. We all know that we won’t see Mike (or any other member of Aria’s family) for at least another 4 episodes.
Aria goes to meet up with the Liars and they decide to go catch A. Right as they are about to leave, Aria dabbles with the idea of calling the police. Because who knows, maybe they’ll do something valuable? Emily gives her a look and Aria’s like…. You’re right, stupid idea. Sometimes I think I could try crystal meth calling the police, but then I think, mmm better not.
LOL but Aria does eventually get caught by the po-po for being at a crime scene – hate when that happens. She’s sitting on her floor, crying into her fugly Old Navy stripped cut-out shirt, when Mike comes in.
He acknowledges that she is upset for like 4 seconds and then immediately starts talking about himself. In this moment, I am mildly attracted to him.
Mike: Hey Aria you almost saw your killer tonight, how are you?….btw, I talked to your psycho friend and we’re gonna date again. K love you, bye.
Mike informs her that mail came for her while she was out, making it clear Rosewood mailmen are just as shitty as the PD because they are delivering mail super late at night. But Aria opens it up and shocker! She is a finalist in the photography competition for her numerous pictures of dolls.
Judges of photography competition: Take a chance. Reward the kidnapped, weird girl.
NO LESBIAN LEFT BEHIND: EMILY
Emily, and her fugly ass choker, are at Ezra’s café, when they run into Sarah’s friend, Claire. You may remember Claire as the girl who basically said that she wished Sarah had died in those A-caves. Yeah, that one. She’s like, such a good friend.
Emily tells Claire that Sarah is at a job and Claire is genuinely shocked. Claire says “if I was her I wouldn’t remember how to read” and Emily’s like “how did you know?” Emily eventually decides to let the two girls connect, and arranges for all of them to get tea, because they think they’re the fucking royal family, rather than just of flock of suburbia lesbians.
Emily goes back to Sarah and we’re instantly reminded how fucking terrible the actress who plays Sarah is. Where the fuck did they find this girl? A high school play? And what role did she play? “Girl in background holding bucket”?
Sarah looks like she’s trying to contour her makeup but forgot to rub it in and has literal black circles around her eyes.
Sarah can’t remember if she and Emily made out because she was “half dreaming” and Emily’s like, well shit, this is awkward. Sarah’s like “I hope it was a real kiss, because all I’ve had is pretend kisses in the past 3 years.” Well, that makes sense seeing as how you look like Miley Cyrus if she was stung by like, a zillion bees. Why the fuck would anyone want to kiss you?
Sarah, Emily and Claire all meet up for their bullshit tea and have a very awkward moment over “who gets the cookie first”. It becomes this legit scene in the show where they’re like, “uh should you take the cookie?” “oh no, you should” “oh are you sure?” Why. Why is this scene happening? What did I do in my life that was SO BAD that I have to suffer through this scene?
Sarah starts asking Claire a bunch of questions about people they know/Claire’s dog and every time Claire responds Sarah starts singing Summer Nights from Grease. “Tell me more, tell more!” Emily’s feeling a little left out and just kinda eats her stupid fucking cookie in the corner. Eventually, Emily makes up some bullshit excuse to get her and Sarah to leave together. Claire extends an invite to Sarah to come and stay at their house for dinner, or like forever. They already have a stray dog at Claire’s, what’s one more?
They go home and Sarah’s like “I’m gonna go with Claire, brb.” Emily tries to throw Claire under the bus by saying that she shit talked Sarah, and Sarah’s like, lol I know.
Sarah: I understand why she said that she wished I were dead – I was like really mean back then. Being kidnapped was like, so good for me.
Emily is blubbering, trying to keep Sarah from leaving and Sarah is like “well if I leave, then we can really date.” And they start making out. When in doubt, shove your tongue down someone throat. That’s the PLL way.
The Liars all meet up and discuss how to catch Charles/A. Emily is trying to say how fucking stupid they all are for thinking this would ever work.
Emily: You guys, it never works out when we try to catch A!
Liars: Oh shut up, gaybar.
They all end up taking out their microchips, which they figured out how to do from watching a fucking YouTube tutorial. They all have to preform an operation on each other to get the microchip out and Emily’s like “well the funny think about my microchip, is it’s located on my vagina.”
They confront A, kind of (we’ll get to that) and that shit is a bust. Emily immediately goes home and smashes her microchip. Ohhhhh, burn.
AND I FEEL LIKE MONEEEEEY: HANNA
Hanna is first seen trying the set the Liars up on a little date with Mona and Kimmy Schmidt. Because both of those girls are super reliable and so much fun to hang out with!
When she goes home, Hanna’s mom informs her that she got a scholarship for college, even though it’s more than likely that Hanna’s retarded ass will barely graduate from high school. Apparently while Hanna was kidnapped, her mom figured it was a perfect time to focus on her higher education. Seems legit.
Some random company that Hanna recognizes decided to give Hanna a check for 30k. And I mean that seriously, they give her a fucking check for 30,000. Anyone who has ever had an actual scholarship knows that they don’t just hand you a goddamn check. At this rate, just fucking send it to her as a Paypal gift. Do you accept venmo?
Jason is apparently the one who helped Hanna’s mom find this scholarship – sign number one that this shit is shady AF.
This whole time, Hanna looks like she either a) raided Hilary Clinton’s closet or b) is going to a fucking Christmas party, because she is wearing a bright red blazer with pearls. Does Rosewood even have any fucking seasons? Why the fuck is everyone always dressed like it’s perpetually autumn?
Hanna goes to meet up for her playdate and finds out that Kimmy bailed. Color me shocked. Mona is like LOL Kimmy isn’t coming because she’s fucking insane and being surrounded by a bunch of girls she tried to kill is like really harshing her therapy mellow. Can’t argue with that logic.
She decides to go hunt for food and ends up at Ezra’s café, the only place the Liars go besides their homes and abandoned buildings to look for murderers. She’s investigating her scholarship money, because even Hanna knows she’s way too fucking stupid to have earned that legitimately. Turns out, the company where she got the money also sponsors Radley, the old insane asylum they all went to.
Hanna and the Liars decide to find A. They ditch their trackers at home, fooling him for a total of 3 seconds, and try to corner him.
Liars: We’re here to arrest you at your own birthday party!
Charles: I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
He manages to disarm the Rosewood PD officers in like 3 seconds by throwing some baseballs at them, which the officers stand there and take. Clearly, the Rosewood PD does not have a dodgeball team. For godsake Lorenzo, it’s dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge. The Liars just stand there, like they fucking always do, yelling and watching Charles do shit to hurt them.
*Charles tries to kill them
Liars: (standing still letting him kill them) Charles! Why are you doing this?
Hanna comes home and her mom is like, you should be chasing your dreams, not chasing murderers! It’s basically the tagline for the most morbid inspirational cat poster ever. Hanna tells her that she doesn’t want to take the money from her scholarship but her mom is like too fucking bad, I already deposited the check. I guess in the Marin family being a fucking idiot is a genetic trait.
ALI, JASON AND THE THIRD WHEEL CHARLES
The episode starts with Ali basically being kidnapped by her father. He’s breaking out in cold sweats and is being a fucking sketchy as shit, until Ali finds a birthday card from A and understands why – Charles is alive.
She makes it so painfully obvious and dramatic that it sounds like she’s auditioning for “Days Of Our Lives”. She’s like “he’s alive! And he’s coming to get us!” Yes bitch, he’s been coming to get you all for six seasons.
Lorenzo goes to see Ali, but obvi she isn’t there because she’s busy being kidnapped rn. Jason, however, is there and tells Lorenzo that Ali won’t be back for awhile. Jason and Lorenzo are having a full conversation while standing next to each other and not looking each other in the eye. Shade, so much shade. Jason tells Lorenzo that he can get his police buddies to gtfo, because there is nothing to see here.
Jason: You can tell your friends to go out and find more underage girls to fuck.
Rosewood PD: oh thank god
After Lorenzo leaves, Jason goes to the side of the porch to find a rubber frog (wtf) and a birthday invite from Charles, which looks like it was written by a third grader having a fucking seizure.
Ali steals her Dad’s phone and calls Spencer to warn her that A isn’t coming after the Liars, he’s going after Jason. She tells Spence to go check in on Jason, because illegitimate half siblings have to stick together.
Ali tries to convince her dad to talk to the cops and he’s not about that life. He’s like, could you fucking chill out and give me one day to figure things out- and she’s like, we’ve had six seasons, move it or lose it Grandpa.
Ali: Daddy we should tell the police! I’m sleeping with one of the officers, he can help us!
Straight out the Bill Cosby handbook, Ali drugs her dad’s coffee with sleeping pills so he’ll ptfo and she can ditch this place. She calls Mona to come get her and Mona is like, way too happy to help.
Mona: Glad I could help, I know I owe you because I have assisted in trying to kill all your friends for years, so yeah.
Ali decides to fuck things up and call the police, to alert them of Charles’ plan. Mona is like WTF are you doing?! Telling people who can help us?! Are you fucking crazy!?
After the cop showdown with Charles, Ali conveniently comes home right as Jason is about to take a sip of alcohol. She’s scolding Jason, when suddenly they hear a movie being played in the background.
They walk upstairs to see a video player stolen straight out of Ray Finkle’s room. They watch a video of the three of them playing at a birthday party and Ali’s like, I remember this day. REALLY BITCH? Because three episodes ago you didn’t even know he existed and now you suddenly have these fond memories of him? I call bullshit. “I’m Aldous Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh no drinks for me thanks. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!”
The DiLaurentis kids are mildly confused and see that Charles leaves them a letter saying that he “thought he could trust them” and “laces out Dan!”
Overall, this episode was like, really fucking lackluster. Besides Toby getting baked AF and Sarah finally riding the lesbian rainbow train out of our lives, there was nothing really thrilling. See you fuckers next week, can’t wait to see what melodramatic bullshit ABC Family has lined up.