Fashion is a lot like politics: some options inspire, and others make you want crawl underground and live in a bunker, Kimmy Schmitt-style. It’s no secret that this election is a shitshow. Today is Super Tuesday 2… if you’re wondering wtf that is, there are some major primaries going on in Ohio and Florida today for both parties. Chillary Clinton is beating Bernie 54 to 41 percent in the polls rn while Trump is basically kicking everyone’s asses (and subsequently America’s future) to the curb. This means do or die for Republican candidates like Marco Rubio and John Kasich that are struggling to keep up. Speaking of struggling, let’s get back to what this article is actually about: talking shit about everyone’s fashion choices.
We all know our girl Hil is like, sooooo laid back and totally down with millennial shit: The Twitter, loving pizza, and Shonda Rhimes television programs. Unfortunately, her style suggests otherwise. The monotone vibes are a little too “North Korean Dictator” for us, and we wouldn’t be surprised if her and the Supreme Dictator launched a clothing line together if the whole President thing falls through (#KimJongChill). Here’s some of her most… interesting looks throughout the election.
Although her looks aren’t exactly Betches-approved, we like get what she’s going for. Hill means Bid-ness. She’s trying to be the first female president, not a sexual object that uses her body to acquire votes. Her outfits convey professionalism and demand respect. We just wish they were a little cuter, and like, updated since the 1990s. Sorry Hillary, but orange will never actually be the new black.
Bernie Sanders was born in the year NINETEEN-FORTY-FUCKING-ONE, so assumably he’d be a man of classic style. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. He exudes coolness every time he walks on stage with his straight-talking, go-getter attitude. However, his tired navy suits and nerdy glasses could use a little pick-me-up. His suits need to be taken in, his flyaway hair gelled back, and he needs a new pair of specs STAT. If Bernie takes office one day, this man of the people desperately needs to become a man with a stylist.
Rubio’s infamous high-heeled boots made headlines recently, and the whole world was like, “WHAT’RE THOSE?!?!?!?!?”. Given the fragile ego of most Republican males, it caused a seriously immature social media backlash from his political opponents. Ted Cruz’s campaign director, Rick Tyler, even tweeted a link to New York Magazine’s fashion blog so that he could pick out a new pair of shoes. Carly Fiorina tweeted a photo of her own boots to highlight the similarities. Real mature, guys. Protip, Rubio: make a Pinterest. There are hella infographics out there to help you match an appropriate shoe to your outfit.
Real talk, Ted Cruz’s worst accessory is his smile. WTF is that shit? He looks like a fucking serial killer who suffered a stroke. No thanks. Maybs lay off the botox. Or whatever it is that makes his mouth do that.
Trump’s look reminds me of an aged, douchey frat bro—matches his attitude, I guess. In fact, I know a few sixth-year seniors that already dress like him. The same black suit with a colorful tie, every, single time. TBH there’s a lot to hate everything about Trump, from his hair to his bad spray tan to his racist agenda. We have a few outfit suggestions for Mr. Trump, but what we’d really like to see him in is a straight-jacket—très chic for fall!
Honestly, John Kasich has bigger problems than his fashion (like getting people to know he exists), so since he’s the only GOP candidate who seems remotely sane we’ll let this slide—for now.