Some may say this time of the year is the best because the snow is falling and all the new shows are starting. Well to all those people I just have to say, fuck you. First, I'm cold, and second, there's so much shit on TV that not only do I need to get three months of refills on my Xanax prescription, like today, but I think I'm about to have my doc write a separate Rx for my DVR. That aside, I will always make time for the show whose plot line makes less sense than the Twilight Zone or anything on Fox News. Why do we hold a ridiculous show targeted to tweens so close to our hearts, you ask? Well partly because nothing can be too close to our hearts seeing as we don't have one, and also because of all the reasons listed in the fucking post we wrote about PLL. Duh.
You may want to know what happened in last night's PLL, but we can't always help you there mostly because we never really know what happens. Instead we call out all the extra shit you may not notice, or were probably thinking but didn't have anyone to text it to. I will say, however, that I did feel like a fucking genius when I discovered that Mona's tweets on the bottom-left of the screen were actually just a marketing technique to get you to go watch more of Mona's video on abcfamily.com. Two minutes later I also happened to discover that my 12-year-old sister figured out the same thing ten minutes before I did. So there's that.
Okay so season premiere, or winter premiere, or whatever they call it I can't keep track, was kind of boring. The most notable happenings were: Mona sets the bitch from Center Stage on fire in a small box, Emily's dad downloads a cool new app, and someone from Chopped misplaced their cow's brain. All I have to say is that when these girls look back on their high school years they're going to seriously regret all the time they spent sneaking around their high school when they could have been spending it in their parents liquor cabinet.
Questions Left Unanswered
Whose arm was coming out of the grave at the end of last episode?
When they're all reading like the diary, or a text messages, how do they all finish at the same time?
They're always wearing heels and they're always sneaking around places, yet no one hears them? What's up with that?
Where's mother fucking Bruce “Paige” Willis?
So Jason is part of A? I'm lost, how can they have someone hot like Jason and someone so AHH Real Monsters like Toby part of the same clique!?
I love that it's totally chill that Mona had a lair. Wasn't a question, it's just casual.
Was it not concerning at all to you that an institutionalized freak who once tried to murder you successfully snuck into your bedroom? Instead of calling your grandma for help you say this:
Hanna's grandma: Are you alone in there? I heard voices
Hanna: No it's just me, I'm uh..reading out loud
… Amazing visual.
There's someone named Heshy in the Hefty clan. Is Cousin Heshy A?
“When Aria was in that box, she stabbed someone who was trying to throw her off the train.” – Hanna, there are so many non-believable things in the statement I don’t know where to comment first.
Usually I like your outfits, but your light blue polka dotted dress reminded me of something Anna Nicole Smith would wear while clean her house, or like her husband's anus.
Plus 20 for rolling your eyes during Mona's video.
Aren't you concerned your ex-BFF/killer is now dating the janitor? Why did the janitor have Allison's diary…because he thought it was Mona's? And it happened to contain the exact information you're seeking…Confused 2013.
“Mona may be the best argument we got against human cloning.” …Hef, your grandma's killin' it.
Ew, you only raised 274 dollars?
Emily, you WOULD bike to school.
Ok and like there's no way that your house security app would be accessible without entering a password, it's a SECURITY app.
“You actually believe that my own dad would drug me, and then lock me in a box?” On this show, absolutely.
Aria takes off her jailbird blazer to reveal she's dressed not in just leopard prints, but actually as a leopard.
I think Aria is just as over Ezra as we are. She's like, no I don't want your fucking ugly necklace.
Dear Center Stage teacher bitch, we don't like you. I mean, who takes a girl's phone away 3 seconds before class ends? And the chances of you knowing anything about checks and balances are the same as you getting the principal role in Cooper Nielson's new ballet company.
So are we just over the fact that you were almost killed, like shoved in a box with a dead dude, almost thrown off a train, by like, people you know? That's like totally fine right? Okay, just checking.
There's not much to say about you except, is it my imagination or has dating Toby made you less attractive?
Also, what's it like getting an erotic massage from A? I guess I can also ask Emily. Ok, another discovery, A's a fucking perv.
Kk betches, now we wait another week until I run around my apartment repeatedly chanting “It's PLL time, it's daddy's favorite show.” I realize now that what I just said is very creepy, unless you know the reference.