184. Perfume

Perfume is every betch’s secret weapon. From making bros subconsciously fall in love with us to causing our professors to lean in just a little closer when we’re begging them to bump up our grades (you mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-? All based on my powers of perfume, you proud Daddy?), the capabilities of a sweet-smelling scent are infinite. I mean there’s a reason Elle Woods got that internship.

juice cleanse$1300 a bottle to smell like old people

Every betch has her “signature scent” and by that we mean it's the scent her besties are forbidden from buying. Unlike the #146 shared guy or morning after pills, perfume is nontransferable. Two years ago she told me that Miss Dior Cherie was her thing and that I wasn’t allowed to wear it anymore. It was so sad.

Let’s talk about the main reason betches love perfume. Like #152 expensive skin shit, it allows us to get rid of some of our excess money to buy what is literally pungent #74 bottled water. Seriously, if your bottle cost you under 100 dollars we're guessing it’s one of those nondescript scents they sell at The Gap called Shit Mist. Sure it may sound ridiculous to drop hundreds of dollars on 3 ounces of something that doesn’t get you drunk, but much like the inch of plaid on the sleeve of your raincoat, it is all about the statement.

Side note: While every betch has her signature scent, every celebrity has her own merchandized scent that we'd never be caught dead wearing. As in, the celeb will go to a factory, pick out a few cinnamon sticks, a rose petal, and a bottle, and put her name on it. Then common people can buy these “elite” commodities at exclusive places like CVS but only if they get the employee to open the special cabinet with their magic key. Whatever it takes to get myself smelling like Britney Spears, is something someone might say when they buy their 20 dollar perfume from a pharmacy with cash.

Like with all aspects of betchiness (except our collarbones), when it comes to perfume, subtlety is key. You don’t want the one time you show up to your bio lab to be the time you activate the allergies of the nice guy who you're making do your lab report. In fact, the number of sprays you do disperse should directly correspond to your destination. Here’s a guide:

To class/work/go get iced coffee: 1-2 sprays

Dinner/on a date/formal event: 2-4 sprays

The gym: 1 small spritz. I mean, do you want to walk past the hot guy who's always there and have him get a whiff of your armpit?

Out at night: As many as you believe will still be smellable at 8 am the next morning when you’re looking for your bra.

Also keep in mind when spraying that we don’t aim and shoot directly on our bodies. That’s what poor women who work in hospitals do to conserve their precious liquid. Spray and step in.

Always remember betches, your perfume will be remembered long after you. That’s why ex-boyfriends will often remark upon your scent when you see them again, or why you have the immediate urge to vom when you catch a trace of the perfume your ex-bestie turned enemy used to wear. It’s been said that scent is the biggest trigger for memory, and you don’t want that memory to be of gross body odor, the sushi place across the street from your apartment, or worse, Snooki for Women.

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