You’ve probably been hearing Paul Ryan’s name around a lot. His name kind of sounds like some code for a sketchy drug dealer, or like, any kid on your high school’s lacrosse team. Your dad always told you to never trust a guy with two first names.
Well it turns out he’s another key figure in the election that’s happening this year. Or at least the Republican Party wants him to be.
Basically, everyone is freaking out that Donald Trump is going to be the nominee since he says really, really dumb shit that’s making the Republicans look bad. Like worse than the time you asked your parents what the capital of your home state was. Like, does anyone even know that answer? It’s a common inquiry.
So in attempt to save their party from Donnie’s doom, the Republicans are basically begging Paul Ryan, who’s currently Speaker of the House, to run for President.
His answer? A big fat “fuck no.” Even more of a no than when that chubby kid with braces asked you out in eight grade and you laughed in his face. If you still have your braces on at that point in your life, I really apologize, but it’s a no from me.
He’s telling the GOP to basically fuck off, pick someone who actually is running in the primary, and let him live his life.
Sounds like a bro to me. I tell my annoying aunt who always asks why I haven’t had kids yet the same exact thing. Aunt Betsy, why isn’t your own daughter, who’s 38 years old, having kids? Oh, that’s right—the last time a man touched her was at her check up at the gynecologist.
Let’s see if Paul Ryan is actually the bro he comes off to be.
Con: He was bullied into becoming Speaker of the House. Not really a bro move, PR. You’re telling the Repubs that they can’t make you run for President, but they already made you have this shitty job you didn’t want.
Pro: He was in a frat. Clearly Paul’s got some wild stories from his college days as a Delta Tau Delta. I wonder what his fraternity formal coolers looked like.
Con: He used to work for Oscar Mayer (like the hot dog company). According to his very informative Wikipedia page, he drove the Wienermobile. Pics or it didn’t happen.
Pro: He’s kind of hot. Dark hair, nice blue eyes. Easily a solid seven, especially after half a bottle of tequila.
Pro/Con: He was Mitt Romney’s VP nominee in the 2012 presidential election. Romney and Ryan lost, though, and bros don’t lose.
Pro: He exercises a lot. He has a family history of fatal heart attacks so you can find this politician doing P90X a lot. Let’s see your abs, Paul, and then we can judge if you’d make a good presidential candidate. You’d definitely beat Donald Trump in that department.