This Year’s Oscars Gift Bag Includes A Super Creepy Vampire Breast Lift

Like the majority of this year’s nominees, the contents within the 2016 Oscars swag bag are both ridiculous and a waste of everyone’s time (and, in the case of the gift bag, probably the GDP of a third-world country). In case you didn’t know, because rich people deserve free shit, every year the nominees go home with a bag full of expensive “goodies” that they can later tell their assistants to get rid of. Although this year’s casual $200,000-plus worth of shit is random (private walking tour of Japan, anyone?), the most alarming thing is the free “Vampire Breast Lift”—which, BTW, is when doctors take blood from elsewhere on your body and inject it back into your boobs. Apparently, this is a real procedure people (celebrities) get and not just a plotline from the next Saw movie.

Though we know most celebs are vampires anyway (proof: J. Lo, Pharrell, Gwen Stefani, etc.), this is still harrowing. A breast lift that’s done by injecting blood into your boobs? Sounds upsetting. Also, what do the male nominees get out of this? The only fair equivalent would be a “Vampire Penis Lift” (which I guess would just be like getting an erection…Vampire Boner?), but I doubt Matt Damon’s down. 

Anyway. Maybe Giuliana Rancic will ask everyone if they’re stoked about getting a free VBL this year. Cheers to #askhermore. 


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