As long as you haven't been living in a severe electrical brownout or in your very own coma since last week, you've probably noticed that the summer Olymbetch is on. No, we didn't forget to check for typos you fucking commenters. Olympics out, Olymbetch in. Why the break with tradition? Well, first of all because we associate 'tradition' with a lame excuse for a mis family gathering, and because the event formerly known as 'the Olympics' is a huge fucking betch.
Sure she only gets one #4 birthday every two years but this shit is enough to make even legendary birthday queen Kate Moss extremely jeal. Olymbetch gets a winter birthday and a summer birthday. It lasts three weeks and requires the construction of an entirely new village for her to celebrate in every time. Billions of people watch her and every city bids billions of dollars to sit in horrible traffic for three weeks, just so they can host her party. Tony Blair himself has been planning this bday for like, ten years.
But even while the Olymbetch seems like a great time, we can't say we'd ever dabble as like, actual athletches. And no, it's not because we're not fucking good enough, any betch could easily make it to the Olymbetch if she tried. Sure it requires a lifetime of practice but so does giving your right hand a manicure, another thing we'd definitely never do. But I guess with the Olymbetch you're also given mad offers to be a spokesperson for Lululemon and like Wheaties, so it could be a wash.
So we could try to give you a breakdown of every sport but that would require us actually watching them all. Until we do that we'll just give you our thoughts on what we've seen other people tweet so far.
Everyone can pretty much agree that the OC was whack. No one told us this year's theme was going to be ye olde times. Between the British men in top hats and the industrial iron melding workers I literally felt like I was descending the decks of the Titanic.
Like we tweeted the other night, we'd pay money to hear Queen Elizabetch say “may the odds be ever in your favor.” I could sense the Olymbetch atmosphere was too meritocratic for her.
Mr. Bean…was there.
By the time I got through the bombardment of instagrams from all my friends at the ceremony, the parade of nations had begun. Here comes Afghanistan!
When deciding which country to root for in any competition I will consider two things: Can I identify their flag? Can I drink their water?
Twenty minutes later it was like, who the fuck are all these countries? Should I play sporcle?
Any time an African nation sauntered by I couldn't suppress my urge to go… Africa, where food is scarce, Africa, where people are thin…
Seriously Malta, those costumes?
If the Olymbetch was invented in ancient Greece, how have there only been 30 so far?
Where do the athletes from Palestine train for their events, Equinox of Arabia?
North Korea fucking scares me. Who invited them?
We saw a film called Oh Africa, Brave Africa. It was a laugh riot.
How dare they they go to commercial break while Micronesia was marching.
Sounds like Paul McCartney's goiter has been acting up.
The Spice Girls and Helen Mirren were all drastically underutilized.
We were also waiting for Lindsay Lohan to do a voiceover. Jambo! Here are the cool Asians from SoKo. Uganda: Unfriendly black hotties.
Athletes – We don't know much about them but I'm sure we will get to know them better once we sort out whose cereal commercial is least wholesome.
– Gymnasts are totes the nicegirls of the Olymbetch. I imagine a gymnast going to get iced coffee and doing a few roundoffs on the way. They're like 15 and underdeveloped and look like they've never socialized with other humans because they're too busy constantly commanding their thighs to enlarge and the rest of their body to stay small. Shins, if you get any bigger and I fuck up this dismount I will lipo the fucking shit out of you.
– Our bestie is friends with one of the girls who got silver in synchronized diving. yay! Congrats betch!
– There's a hot bro (who has no hair but still so hot) named Dalhausser (pronounced like the child's toy with -er at the end) who plays beach volleyball
– Ryan Lochte proved to me the existence of love at first sight
– The girl's captain of the swim team, Rebecca Soni, has a boyfriend also on the swim team. Stay tuned for
Kristen's Rebecca's affair with the coach. (in the projection room above the auditorium)
– The men's basketball team has good people on it – Lebron, Kobe, Carmelo Anthony. But personally I'd still rather watch the Queen play Horse.