Welcome back to “Pretty Little Liars,” the show that is literally the fucking bane of my existence and the root of my alcohol addiction. After an extended cleanse, I have recommitted myself to my alcoholism in order to write these fucking recaps for season 6. You’re welcome.
This show is no longer on “ABC Family” but is now on “Freeform”, which sounds like a fucking gymnastic routine mixed with a gay bar. I’m not going to call you Freeform. Ever! Not even in a fire!
GUESS WHO’S BACK, BACK AGAIN
It’s 5 year later, and we’re catching up with our 30 year old actresses who are now pretending to be 23, rather than 18 as per usual.
We go back to Rosewood High, the place where the Liars basically never attended unless it was to fuck a teacher or nearly get murdered at a prom, and find that Alison is the English teacher. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She’s reading some sad hand written book/diary to the class, and getting “lost” in the pages. Okay, no fucking high school teacher reads the goddamn book to you like that. They hand you the novel, tell you what page to read up to, and call it a day. What is this place? A school for kids who can’t read good and want to do other stuff good too?
I didn’t even know she could read. But you know what they say- those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.
Either way, this is the most boring class ever. Also, Alison is wearing a pound of makeup to teach sophomores- I give it four episodes before she horizontal tangos with a minor.
A lawyer goes to Alison and tells her that a trial is happening in 4 days. She’s like, OMG I HAVE TO TELL MY FRIENDS. Ah fuck. Not those losers.
Suddenly, we flash to all those lying bitches around the world. Spencer is reading a letter in DC with fugly straight-across bangs. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times: never trust a girl with straight bangs or heels less than 3 inches. I’m sure Spencer has both.
Aria is at a book signing- because it’s super easy to be a published author at age 23. She looks for a book and sees Ezra’s photo in the “About the Author” page- so he wrote a book too. Fucking awesome. Probs about statutory rape and brewing coffee, because those are pretty much his only skill sets.
Hanna is on a plane, drinking in a cute outfit- obviously she has had the best 5 years. And Emily is doing what every good lesbian does- bartending.
Alison’s voiceover is reading the letter, she’s really into reading aloud these days, and she’s like “I just need 5 minutes with you and we can change the world.” Is that a Gandhi quote? Also, did she write a group text in letter form? Or just write one letter and copy it? Fuck, send a goddamn email Alison.
Cece is like “do you think they are still mad at me?” I’ll take “fucking obviously” for 500, Alex.
The girls all reunite at Ezra’s coffee shop, because uh, where else would they go. Emily is popping pills behind everyone’s back and avoiding talking about college- obviously because she didn’t finish and is now embarrassed. Emily, last I recall you were having lesbian sexy time with the villain of this show- the embarrassment ship has sailed my friend.
In between the girls taking selfies, Hanna shows the world her massive engagement ring. But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end? Nah, it’s on Hefty Hanna’s finger. Also, she apparently works for a fashion designer in New York City- lol OKAY ABC Family. I graduated college and could barely get a job as a fucking assistant manager at Starbucks. Dream big.
A is obviously still torturing Aria, because there is no excuse for her bob-cut ombre. Turns out she is dating a dude named Liam. How fucking fancy. Can no one in the fucking show just be named “Dave”?
Spencer is not dating crater-faced Toby anymore, but won’t comment on who she is dating. Calling it now- sketchy.
Anyway, they all decide to hear Ali out for that “world changing 5 minutes.” But first, they go see their families, who ghosts in and out of their lives more than any Tinder dates ever could.
Emily’s mom is dating someone, which means, womp womp, Em’s Dad died. Seriously, you kill off Emily’s war hero dad but let Aria’s piece of shit father stick around?
Speaking of that shit hole, Aria’s dad is present in this episode. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be absent from the next 5. Anyway, he tells Aria that Ezra has moved back to Rosewood and lives above his coffee shop. She hasn’t been home for more than 5 minutes and her Dad is already talking about her ex. My Dad doesn’t even talk about my current boyfriend, and he def would not wanna have a chit-chat about my ex-teacher who took my virginity.
Also, we learn Ezra went to South America with Nicole, idk who dafuq that is, and some shit went down.
Radley is now a fucking five star restaurant, owned by Hanna’s mom. Mimosas with murderers, amiright? Apparently Hanna’s mom isn’t stealing from old women anymore, and is now a business owner. Thiefs and rapists= entrepreneurs of Rosewood.
Hanna’s Mom: You never come to Rosewood when I want you to. But when Alison says jump, you say how high.
Hanna: *shoving food in her face and viciously nodding*
Spencer’s mom is running for state senator and it’s revealed that Spencer is a lobbyist, aka the bottom bitch of Capitol Hill. I’ve seen Legally Blonde 2- I know how this shit works.
The girls decide, fuck it, let’s go see our ex-boyfriends. This is so me, my first winter break home from college.
Aria goes to visit Ezra, who is still living in that fucking coffee shop and looking a little pudgy and hairy. Ezra’s seen better days, let’s just say that, and looking at Aria’s horrendous haircut is def not helping.
Turns out Nicole was his lady friend in South America and she was taken by terrorists. This season, on Serial. No but seriously, fucking abducted by terrorists? That’s a little heavy, don’t you think? I imagine PLL writers are sitting around and saying “what haven’t we done with these average teenage girls?” and someone goes “I got it! Terrorism!!!”
Ezra: You go somewhere to help and then you die. – This is exactly why I don’t help people.
Crater face returns with a shitty haircut and a brimming beer gut. Apparently Toby is building a house for someone- this is some Nicolas Sparks shit. I BUILT THIS FOR YOU. I WROTE YOU EVERYDAY FOR A YEAR!
Toby calls his and Caleb’s friendship the “brotherhood of ex boyfriends” and Spence gets v awkward. It’s the bangs dude, they make her way more shady. Disregarding this, Toby still asks her on a dinner date.
Toby: Oh so Allison said jump and you said how high?
Spencer: Damn why is everyone saying that
Okay, back to Ali. Alison is trying to convince the Liars to let Cece go because she wants a real family and this other sappy bullshit. The girls are like, uh I can’t tell if you’re kidding. Did you miss the last 6 years? Where she tortured us?
Ali: I know she tortured you and tried to kill you, but we should forgive her!!!!
The Liars: Do you hear yourself? Like when you speak?
Mona also wants to be heard at this trial, and it turns out she is in politics too, just like Spence. Mona is the herpes of Rosewood, that bitch NEVER goes away.
Toby is talking to Emily, because you know, it’s bro time, and was talking about how Spencer was over Rosewood, which is why they broke up. And it’s like fucking duh, all there is in Rosewood is an insane asylum and a coffee shop.
Also, Toby apparently got a degree. A meteor fucking collided against his face and he can still graduate college- how shitty do you feel Emily?
All of the liars say they would feel safe if Charlotte was released. All, except Aria. For once I agree with Aria. She’s like “Charlotte should fucking die in jail.” And I’m like, okay now you’re speaking my language.
Also, Ezra shows up mid-trial. No one knows why, and no one questions it. Ah, good ole’ Rosewood. Mona is up next, and we’re sitting at home like, this is about to be fucking lit. Mona is going to destroy this bitch. Then suddenly, she pulls a Cady Heron and tells everyone they deserve a piece of the crown and Charlotte deserves to live. THE FUCK MONA?!
MONA: I love Charlotte, she is bae as fuck
Something is off, because we all know Mona doesn’t give a shit about these people. That’s why I like her so much.
All the Liars decide to go get drunk in Radley- ah, the tables, how they have turned. The group decides to turn their phones off and get turnt in the place they got tortured- sounds like a typical Tuesday.
Spencer is saying hammered “I miss your faces” and I finally feel comfortable watching this show. This is so similar to every sorority party I have ever gone to. Turns out, the judge released Charlotte- because the liars “weren’t scared of her.” Okay who is this judge, and where did they get their law degree? The University of Phoenix? There is no way you let someone with 5 fucking counts of attempted murder, kidnapping, and torture just waltz out in 5 years.
They toast to Charlotte and how fucked up their lives are, as a camera is filming them. Dun dun dun.
They wake up in the morning, hungover AF, attempting to work a fucking Keurig. Spencer is telling Hanna about Toby and how he is building “a lucky girl a house” and it’s like, don’t you mean “lucky blind girl?” because that’s the only person would ever date him.
Ali calls with some not-so-shocking news: Charlotte is missing. The Liars are like, well fuck me.
Lorenzo is a detective and Toby is still a cop, awkward. They go to the scene of the crime, where it turns out Charlotte jumped out of the church window. Ali’s all depressed and crying, because she misses her murderous, stalker sister. You’ll get over it.
Caleb shows up to Hanna’s hotel, looking fine as fuck I might add, damn, 5 years did you well Caleb. You can hack my computer any day 😉 Anyway, he mentions hanging out with Spencer, which is like, very weird.
Hanna offers him a room at the hotel and it turns out Caleb is staying in Spencer’s barn. Okay he’s totally fucking Spencer or Melissa. He’s hittin’ a Hasting fasho. Even Hanna’s dumbass is putting the pieces together.
HANNA TO OLD WOMAN IN BABERSHOP: This is what Caleb wants! I have to be like her!
OLD WOMAN: What? Practically deformed?
HANNA: No! A
law student lobbyist!
Spencer and Caleb have an exchange in the hotel and she tells him that she is glad he is there. That basically confirms it- Caleb is fucking Spencer. What a time to be alive.
Cece has a funeral, which is shockingly heavily attended even though she is an ex-con who murdered like 4 people and tortured teenagers for several years. Sarah Harvey shows up, looking like a lesbian rugby player version of Miley Cyrus.
She still kept that butch haircut, I see. Honestly, I can overlook you being a psycho killer, but I cannot overlook that pixie cut. There is a man holding her and escorting her to her car- what the fuck is happening. I am confused. Is anyone else just really fucking confused?
The funeral is at the church where Charlotte died, and it’s like okay people, Toby is building a house, can’t you build another fucking building in this town?
Lorenzo shows up, looking one hoop earring away from a Wayans brother, and is like HEY GUESS WHAT WE’RE AT A FUNERAL AND THE GIRL WAS MURDERED, SURPRISE!
Lorenzo is like, lol you’re gonna be questioned for the murder, and they’re like, thanks chocolate thunder, just add it to my fucking tab.