Betches, we gather here today to mourn the loss of Kim Kardashian’s BlackBerry Bold. In every other way, Kim KW left 2010 behind – her wardrobe, her ex-husbands, her non-couture career. Her BlackBerry Bold was a reminder of simpler times, before Lumee, her app, Kimoji, and Snapchat.
Like Paris Hilton, Kim used her iPhone for social media and her BlackBerry for personal communication. The hard keyboard, instead of the touch screen, is what makes the difference. But nobody sells BlackBerry Bolds anymore because the smart phone mafia has taken over. When was the last time you saw someone under the age of 50 without an iPhone or a Droid? If your answer isn’t 2011, then you probably studied abroad somewhere in the Third World.
Kim used to buy the BlackBerry Bolds on eBay and always have three on hand in case one broke (yet another reminder that they were shitty phones). But the day has finally come when her last Bold died and there are no more on eBay. We are witnessing the first great extinction of the 21st Century.
Obviously this launched a crisis in the Kardashian world not seen since Kim lost a diamond earring in the ocean. She’s truly experiencing the ultimate millennial existential crisis: a different kind of BlackBerry, another iPhone, or a Samsung??? Kim and 12 year old girls getting their first phone share this struggle.
It seems a little too soon to move onto another BlackBerry model after so many years of dedication to the Bold. It’d be like when Taylor Swift dumped Calvin Harris and started dating Tom Hiddleston within hours. Getting a Samsung is out of the question – go cry about it in a GroupMe chat if that offends you. So I guess it’s time for Kim to make the full iPhone switch.
While it’s hard to ever feel sorry for Kim KW – even when she was having a terrible pregnancy, getting divorced, and moving in with her mom – my 15 year old self feels her pain. Maybe Kanye can buy her a wall of flowers to help her feel better.