You, as a modern single woman, have a problem: You will die alone and be eaten by your cats, because no one can date anymore. That’s not my opinion, it’s straight-up fact. I know this because I learned it from “vlogger” Nicole Arbour, who I believe to be the first person in history to stand up and boldly claim that “Dating is Fucked”
Did she just bleep out the wrong letter in the SFW headline? She did!
You may recall Nicole from her dumbass video about fat people, or her even dumber-ass video about abortions. Her latest gush of hot, steamy takes is that dating nowadays is dead because people play too many games and won’t just come out and say they like each other anymore. Her empirical evidence for this is that she’s now single for the first time in “a long time,” and is apparently having a hard time of it.
Her witty and very original dating observations are distilled into three “rules:” 1) There are no dates, (only “hanging out”), 2) don’t act like you had fun (even if you did) and 3) don’t ask someone if they like you.
Needless to say, this is sad, trashy bullshit. Those “rules” are the product of someone who apparently 1) thinks that the only way to spend time with someone is on an opulent, meticulously planned date, 2) heaped WAY too much praise on a guy after a date (or did not have enough praise heaped upon her by the guy and 3) asked a guy if he liked her and didn’t like his answer. I could forgive her profound misunderstanding of the dating world because she’s been out of the game for a while, but I CANNOT forgive her decision to make a video about it that’s approximately the runtime of the movie Titanic.
Here are three better “rules” about dating that follow along the same lines, but without the misfortune of being dumb and bad:
1) First dates are interviews
That’s right, fucking Van Wilder was way ahead of its time. A first date is a chance for both of you to get a feel for each other in a romantic context, which is why drinks, coffee or just going for a walk are fine first dates. Now, if a guy likes you and wants things to progress, he should start planning more involved dates. In fact, if he isn’t after a while, that’s probably a sign you’re wasting your time.
2) Don’t be overly into someone you barely know
The idea that you can’t express that you had fun with someone is ludicrous, and misses the point entirely. OF COURSE you should say “thanks, that was a lot of fun!” if a guy took you on a cool and fun date (even if it was something simple). What you shouldn’t do, however, is be overly praising or laudatory of someone you’ve only been out with once or twice. Like, if we’ve only gone out for coffee and then maybe a movie and drinks, don’t send me emails or texts telling me how awesome I am. It’s not that people don’t like to be recognized for their effort, it’s just weird. Why—and how—can you say that about someone you barely know? If you hardly know a guy but are like WAY too enthusiastic, he’s going to think you’re a tad unstable.
3) Don’t come out and ask someone if they like you, because that’s sad and stupid
Like, is there ANY context in life in which this is ok? “Hey boss, I know things seem to be going alright, but I just wanted to know—what do you think of me as an employee?” No, that’s fucking crazy. Someone’s actions will tell you PLENTY about how they feel about you. If he only ever texts you at 11 pm on Thursdays, there’s a fair chance he hasn’t yet fantasized about your wedding stationery. Sure, some people run infuriatingly hot and cold, but provided you put in a good faith effort, those are the people you butt out of your life. You’ll never like the answer if you ask.
There you go, three better, more helpful rules for dating, and you didn’t have to watch 6 minutes of me smash-cutting between shots of me having conversations with myself. If you want more cool and good dating advice, buy our book.