Nick Viall Is The New Bachelor—Um, What?

Tuesday night Bachelor Nation was introduced to their new Bachelor on After Paradise. Drumroll, please?

It’s always a bridesmaid, never a bride, Nick Viall!

Did the whole world just let out a collective: WHAT THE FUCK?!

This guy isn’t even out of the game on Bachelor in Paradise and now he’s the new Bachelor. Thanks for the spoilers. I guess things really don’t work out with Jen.

If you only passively follow The Bachelor, here’s a little background.

Nick was the runner-up to certified psychopath Josh on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. Most notably in that season, he called Andi out/slut shamed her for having sex with him in the Fantasy Suite and then not picking him in the end. This all happened on the After the Rose special, naturally.

Eventually Andi writes a book about her relationships and basically says she felt creeped out by Nick and basically pity-banged him on the show.

Next, he got his way into the mix on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette by way of sliding in her DM’s. He also slithered into Kaitlyn’s bed before the Fantasy Suite episode. A classy move on both of their parts. Kaitlyn picked Shawn over Nick in the finale. Ha.

To recap, Nick has been on The Bachelorette twice, banged both of the Bachelorettes, and they both said “Boy bye”.

No one sees a problem with this?

Nick has also now been on Bachelor in Paradise twice and never found a match on that spin-off either.

What does he have on Chris Harrison that allows him to keep getting invited to this stuff when he’s obviously no one’s first choice?

Chris Harrison is like, “Hey ladies, Nick Viall is still available! Someone please choose him so he can stop threatening to wear the skin of my family.”

Ladies of the world: “Pass.”

Sometime between Kaitlyn’s season and the currently airing season of Bachelor in Paradise Nick discovered Crossfit, so now he has a six-pack. But, like, the six-pack looks really weird with his body. It’s like someone Frankensteined his head onto a really hot body so it’s overall appealing yet also confusing.

He also still has some weird speech impediment or something that makes it almost unbearable to listen to him talk. Great pick, producers.

What happened to American Hero and Urban Cowboy, Luke? We were all rooting for him and got stuck with Nick. Again. Ugh.

Will we watch him try to win the hearts of 26 unsuspecting victims? Of course. But I secretly hope all of them decide they’re just not into it too. Is it possible to be a loser on your own season of The Bachelor? I have a feeling we’ll find out with Nick in the driver’s seat. 


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