We Should Punish Terrorists By Employing Them As Movers: Your Real World News Roundup

I’m moving in about a week (just to a new building, not near you) (sorry), and good goddamn is it not torturous. When you live in the same place for three years, you accumulate shit EVERYWHERE. There is not a corner of my apartment that doesn’t have something stowed in it. I’m paying $125 for the privilege of renting boxes so I don’t have to go through the headache of sourcing and constructing them myself. Movers are going to charge me the GDP of a small nation to so much as imagine moving my stuff. All of this in the name of “luxury” living in the whitest suburb in America’s 2nd-most boring major city (sorry, Boston).

That’s why, instead of waterboarding the terrorists or shanghaiing them to some prison tucked away in Satan’s butthole, we should ship them over here and force them, at gunpoint, to help hardworking Americans move their shit. After two hours of loading furniture in and out of a U-Haul, they’d tell us everything we wanted to know, and then some. ALLAH COMMANDS YOU TO NOT SCRATCH MY NEW WALLS, ABDELHAMID. I see no flaw in this plan.

Here’s what’s going on in the news today:

Police are Still Searching for Terrorists in Paris [New York Times]
… and they’re still blowing themselves up, it seems.

A Soccer Match was Canceled in Germany Yesterday, Guess Why [Daily Mail]
There may or may not have been an ambulance loaded with explosives.

Over Half of all U.S. States Say they Aren’t Accepting Refugees [Vox]
Note to most of those states: No one wants to seek refuge there, anyway.

The Kick That Knocked Out Ronda Rousey Hit With About 50 lbs of Force [Wired]
So she’s basically #Blessed her head didn’t fly off of her neck and into the Sun.

Couples Who Fuck Once per Week are the Happiest [SPSP]
I know, I don’t believe it either.

Samsung is Launching a Fucking Flip Phone [Mashable]
This is an objectively terrible idea, especially since the screen on the front is still very breakable.

Facebook is Doing a Kickstarter Thing Now [Mashable]
Great news for the millions of moms who still use Facebook.

Ben Carson’s Campaign Doesn’t Know Where States Actually Are [Washington Post]
Fuckin’ geography — how does it work?


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