Real World Roundup: I Get By With A Little Coke From My Tampons

Hilary Clinton is inches away from stepping out of the closet and embracing her true lesbian self. A few weeks ago, we told you how she told her staff they'd have to pry her scrunchies from her cold dead fingers if they wanted her to part with them. Then, she went clubbing in Colombia (Was it Colombia? It was somewhere warm, we don't remember) and was caught downing beers and dancing with fugly women in what we speculate was a gay bar. Now, Hil has abandoned her makeup and decided to roam third world countries looking like total shit. She's even wearing fucking glasses. Look out world! She's here, she's queer, and she's finding Amelia Earhart's body so they can share a beer! Get used to it! Read article >>

Kate Beckinsale and that other bitch that was in 13 Going on 30 who never actually has a main role in a movie made a pretty funny anti-abortion video. Now normally we're in line with a new wave of feminism but seriously Mitt Romney, get your robotic hands out of my vagina. Fuck you for thinking you can dictate what goes up there without so much as buying me dinner at Per Se. Read article >>


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Some teacher was caught fucking her student in a closet. Seriously, Kacy Wilson? You're really gonna fuck a teenager who isn't Justin Bieber? Shame on you. I mean, we're sure he wanted it but no one but a desperate loser actually has sex with younger guys so they can steal your underwear and show it to their bros. Read article >>

This week in fucking crazy finance news, business insider gives you a cheat sheet on how to catch your cheating husband who's in finance. It basically says to check out his expenses like his private jet and his boat and his other shit that he's probably giving to his mistress or as we like to call them, “our friends who have nice apartments in the city”. At this point, doesn't marrying an investment banker almost guarantee he's going to be fucking someone else? They should like start including that in the wedding vows: “to have and to hold, in recession and in health, so long as my secretary is fucking ugly.” Read article >>

Anna Wintour hates Kim Kardashian. Apparently she doesn't give a shit that she's dating Kanye or whether or not she indeed plans on taking Miami and she took it upon herself to ban her from her charity shit. Kim saved face by saying she couldn't really go anyway. If it comes down to it, we have dibs on Wintour. I mean even though she's not as fat as Anne Hathaway in the Devil Wears Prada, she might possibly be more annoying. But I bet it wouldn't take her quite as long to get her on the phone with Armani. Read article >>

Seventeen Magazine is saying no to the fugly girls who want them to put ugly, un-photoshopped girls on the cover of their magazine. Editor Ann Shokhet is quoted to have said “Sorry Julz, if you're looking for expectations of real beauty you can fuck off. Pores don't sell magazines.” Jesus, the causes these young kids take on these days. It's like take a Xanax and go on a diet, stop trying to change the world. You know what I mean? Read article >>


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Get excited betches because now you'll never have to brave those hot, Japanese nights with sweaty boobs again. The Japanese have invented a bra which contains built in ice packs. We can't wait to be felt up by guys that now have an excuse to grope us just for the free air conditioning. But seriously, this is pretty ridiculous. I mean my breasts can tell when it's raining but how fat does a girl have to be that her boobs are the sweatiest thing about her? Personally I'd rather have an application on my bra hook that detects a bro's yearly salary before it's unclasped. Read article >>

Fuck the mega millions, say hello to this week's real jackpot winner. Cindy Davidson was merely trying to stop her period (she's rumored to have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina) so she went to the store to buy tampons. Inside she found a magnificent surprise! Free cocaine! The article says she was shopping at a salvage store which we think is code for like Walmart or some shit so we're not entirely surprised but like, let this be a lesson to Kellogg's: This is the prize betches really want to find at the bottom of the cereal box. Also, this fucking idiot turned in the coke because she thought it was a terrorist attack. It's a shame she didn't stuff the coke filled tampons into her vagina. Imagine how talkative and entertaining her flow would've been once it was all hyped up on coke. Read article >>

Speaking of coke, apparently Hitler was not just a fan of world domination and genocide, but listed his hobbies on his J-Date profile to include key bumps. For serious, Adolph was like a huge fan of fucking and doing coke. No but really Dolphie, you have some weird ass preferences when you're high. When we do drugs we go to music festivals and #20 clubs to rage and have sex, we don't start shit with fucking Stalin. We imagine his telegrams to his dealer went something like this. “Need more white. STOP. Thinking of invading Ibiza. STOP. Meet me at the Glockenspiel. STOP.” Read article >>