If you’re ever on a date with someone who says they “don’t like music,” just run. Run for your life, because you’re in the presence of a serial killer. Everybody likes music. Music is an escape. It’s background noise. It’s whatever you want it to be. Slap on your earbuds, press play, and you can temporarily forget that you’re a twentysomething human trash bag. Which is why I’m attempting to start a new music column—I mean, who am I kidding? I think I have exceptional music taste, and this is a pet project to my own narcissism. Anyway, most new music tends to drop on Fridays, so this Friday I’m bringing you some dope new songs I found around the internet to match whatever fake persona you’re trying on tonight.
If You Want To Feel Like A Bad Bitch: “Man Down” By Shakka feat. AlunaGeorge
Just in time for this randomly warm weekend we’re supposed to have in New York comes the video for this new summer jam. It’s light and fun with an island kind of feel, and it’s super catchy. Visually, the video is pretty much what you’d expect from a song about a woman being so attractive and amazing that we have a “man down” (get it?). We’ve got your hot but alternative girl who could be an Instagram model (probs is tbh), and she and Shakka are doing cutesey stuff like going to an arcade, eating at a diner, drinking something out of a paper bag in the middle of an empty parking lot—okay, maybe that last one is less “cute” and more “high school activities,” but you get what I mean. But if the song and video don’t fill you with crippling depression that you will never be as hot as an Instagram model without plastic surgery (just me, then?), it will make you feel like the baddest bitch around, ready to take on a day of day drinking and texting guys who ghosted you.
If You Want To Feel Like An In-The-Know Hipster: “Day of the Child” By Le Galaxie
Are you in the mood to put on some oversize glasses that don’t have a prescription, drink kombucha, and whine about the decline of society and how nobody understands you? Then do I have the video premiere for you. Dublin-based electronic band Le Galaxie just dropped their newest video, and it kind of feels like a hipster venue in Brooklyn mixed with that club in “San Junipero”. Both the song and the video feel minimalist with some synths, 80s-sounding percussion action, and vocals that alternate between borderline chanting and singing. The video is like every music video in the 1980s, where the band would just… play their music with some fun visual effects. A music video where they actually play music? What a concept! I don’t understand this video or song, but that’s why I know it’s probably very cool.
If You Want To Feel Like A Vengeful Psychopath: “New Day” By Catey Shaw
Wait, did I say this was supposed to be music to listen to when you want to feel like a new person? Oh well. Catey Shaw’s latest single, “New Day”, is a salty af ballad directed at a betch who’s trying to steal Catey’s man. So you know when you got a new guy and his dumb ex who we don’t speak of just won’t stop texting or sliding into his DMs and you have to finally put your foot down and tell her to step the fuck off? This song perfectly addresses those feelings. What starts out subdued, with Shaw’s vocals accompanied by soft piano, eventually builds to a full-on ~mood~, revealing a full band behind the Brooklyn-based singer. “New Day” is a smooth croon that you’ll be belting along to by the end, with relatable af lyrics like “bitch, it’s a new day” and “I wouldn’t say that I got a short temper, but you know I’ll lash out.”
If You Want To Feel Limitless: “Finest Hour” By Cash Cash feat Abir
The hook of this song begins, “This ain’t my finest hour”, and it delves into themes that we know all too well, like spending all your money and having no patience to refrain from starting a fight. And yet somehow this new Cash Cash release leaves you feeling like you can take on anything. Maybe it’s the intoxicating, smokey vocals from Abir. Maybe it’s the upbeat melody and the super catchy chorus we’ve come to expect from Cash Cash. Most likely, it’s a combination of how everything comes together in this uplifting antithesis of a track that’s sure to dominate the summer.
If You Want To Fuck Shit Up: “F**king S**t Up”: Destructo & Busta Rhymes
I have never actually been in a fight, but this new song from Destructo and Busta Rhymes make me feel like I could beat a bitch up. But like, I won’t. If you can’t get enough of Yo Gotti’s “Rake It Up” then you’ll love this song, because Busta Rhymes says “fuck it up” in basically every line. This song is going to be your go-to pump up music. Throw it on your gym playlist, put it on your “when I’m walking home alone at night and don’t want anyone to fuck with me” playlist. This song will make you feel like you’re the star of your very own action movie.
If You Want To Be Exactly The Basic, Messy Bitch You Are: “Talk To Me” By Jenny March
I guess I should end this list with a song that’s like, on brand for our personal lifestyle choices or whatever. Pretending to be anyone other than a garbage human who lives for day drinking is exhausting. That’s why you’ll love this new song from Jenny March. With lyrics about group chat roasts, avocado toast, and mimosas, this may just be your anthem for… life, probably. It’s poppy, it’s catchy, I can’t tell if it’s like, supposed to be a satirical criticism of my lifestyle but whatever? I’m still gonna bump it before brunch.