So you skipped the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show because you didn’t feel like hating yourself for the rest of the night? Don’t worry, we watched it for you and broke it down to the important shit. It’s a hard job, but somebody has to do it.
The show opened with an awkwardly emotional speech about the history of England and how it has stood the test of time despite everyone trying to destroy it. It might have been inspirational if we we were being shipped off to war and not getting ready to watch a bunch of models strut around in their underwear, but it’s England so I don’t really know what we were expecting. It’s the only country in the world where people show up in black tie attire to stare at bedazzled boobs for an hour.
Segment One: Gilded
Musical Guest: None.
Everyone looked good. Everyone. It’s like they were all Greek Goddesses dipped in gold and then dropped onto a runway. It physically hurt to watch, and I had to pause twice to refill my wine. No one cared that there wasn’t live music. No one cared about anything. Everything was perfect and everything hurt.
MVP: Me. You. Anyone who was able to continue watching the show after this crippling ego blow.
Segment Two: Dream Girls
Musical Guest: Taylor Swift – Blank Space
Opened by Lily Aldridge. I hear she does car commercials…in Japan.
If you asked a 16-year-old boy to describe how he imagined a slumber party, this would be it. Every thing was pastel, silky, covered in feathers, and Taylor Swift was playing in the background.
MVP: Karlie Kloss for being hotter as a dragon fly than we ever could be as humans.
Segment Three: Exotic Traveler
Musical Guest: Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud
Opened by Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio, beautiful best friends/childhood rivals who both sold their souls to get out of Brazil and become Victoria’s Secret models.
Ed Sheeran may have been 6 inches shorter than any model on the stage, but he sounded like his usual mixture of Fergie and Jesus so it didn’t really matter. The theme for this segment was “Exotic Traveler,” which low-key sounds like the title of a trashy romance novel but I’m not Ed Razek so what do I know. It was fitting because no one had any idea what the fuck was going on. Apparently if you throw enough fur, feathers, and obnoxious patterns together you get to call yourself exotic.
MVP: Adriana and Alessandra. Usually, there is only one fantasy bra per show, but this year they each got one because choosing between them probably would have incited a civil war in Brazil.
Segment Four: University of PINK
Musical Guest: Adriana Grande – medley of Love Me Harder, Bang Bang, Break Free, and Problem
First of all: why the fuck are there male dancers on the runway. That’s not why I’m watching this. That’s not why ANYONE is watching this. The only plausible reason is that they were trying to distract from the actual clothes. PINK is basically Limited Too’s sluttier older sister who never got past her Lisa Frank stage.
MVP: Ariana. She sounded amazing and gets mad props for standing her own on a runway full of glamazons. Honorable mention to Elsa Hosk for the already infamous wing slap.
Segment Five: Fairy Tale
Musical Guest: Hozier – Take Me to Church (which is a super ironic song title for a lingerie show but whatever)
Hozier looked like Weird Al but sounded like sex, and it worked because the whole angsty, romantic forest vibe was a nice change of pace from the rest of the show. Candice Swanepoel opened and the entire country of South Africa stood up and cheered (I hope). Every piece of gossamer was hand painted, which means someone spent an entire year of their life hand painting pieces of fabric to hang off of Victoria’s Secret Angels' asses. A year well spent.
MVP: Behati Prinsloo, for walking out and lip-syncing the “amen” portion of the song like she was actually in church and not nearly naked on national television. And also for being married to Adam Levine.
Segment Six: Angel Ball
Musical Guest: Taylor Swift – Style
Opened by Karlie Kloss. She and Taylor entered holding hands, just in case someone was still confused as to whether they were BFFs or not. The whole line was classic black and white because it never goes out of style. STYLE. Get it?
The interview before hand featured Karlie talking about her background in ballet, and how much ballerinas and models have in common because they convey emotion in a strictly visual way. The only emotion I was feeling at this point was hopeless despair, but I guess she’s still right.
MVP: Taylor Swift, for showing up to her ex-boyfriends hometown and singing a song that was not only about him but also NAMED after him to a crowd full of his friends, all while looking hot af in black lacy lingerie.
Thank God this shit only happens once a year.