There are two types of people out there: 1) Tryhards who brag about going for early morning runs instead of drinking coffee to wake up, and 2) everyone else who’s stuck listening to this shit and wishing they could dump their mug of sweet, sweet caffeine on the other person’s head. Since that wouldn’t go over well with the authorities, here’s an alternative. Next time an early bird corners you, inform them it’s been scientifically proven that morning people are stupid at night, and enjoy their expression as they realize that no, waking up at some ungodly hour doesn’t actually make them a better person. Getting up at 6am on purpose just means they have no life.
This glorious revenge comes from a study published in Experimental Brain Research. Researchers from Oxford University and the Higher School of Economics made 26 people stay awake from 8am to 2am, as if that isn’t what twentysomethings do on a regular basis anyway. To measure how this affected their attention span, they took something called the Attention Network Test first thing in the morning and at the end of the day. Finally, they took a questionnaire classifying them as a morning person or night owl.
There turned out to be no difference between how people did on the test in the morning, but the evening test was a totally different story. Although early birds completed the test faster in the evening, they were less accurate than the night owls. So basically, they were either overconfident or just dumb. Either way, feel free to point and laugh because morning people deserve it for all those times they’ve been so fucking chipper when you rolled into the office hungover.
By the way, allow me to point out that the reverse wasn’t true; night owls did totally fine on the test in the morning. The study wasn’t designed to explain why any of these results happened, but let’s be real here. Night owls are used to doing things way too fucking early (exhibit A: every morning class you’ve ever had) but nobody makes early birds do anything late at night. Maybe night owls just have more practice doing stuff when they’d rather be hitting the snooze button until it’s time for SoulCycle. It’s totally unfair, but that’s why they give out cheap iced coffee refills.
Anyway, let the tryhards do their sad, lonely thing. While they’re off to bed before the latest episode of Scandal is over, betches are up late getting shit done and showing up to work on time the next day. It’s the kind of heroism that deserves an award, tbh, but I’d settle for a lifetime supply of caffeine instead.