Millennials Are Mostly Virgins Who Can’t Drive, Study Finds

Apparently millennials are so good at not fucking bros that some professors are starting to worry. Like specifically, this recent study in The Washington Post is full of examples of how the youth are afraid to catch feelings and therefore avoiding sex like the plague.

Shmidt Youths

They speak to several teenagers about their experiences, and though we encourage not fucking bros for the sake of #winning, most of these people just sound like whining Tumblr hipsters. Like this one guy says he doesn’t like to date because “For an average date, you’re going to spend at least two hours, and in that two hours I won’t be doing something I enjoy.” We relate to not wanting to do something we don’t enjoy, but also this guy is literally a virgin so we’re not sure if he’d be choosing Youtube videos over having sex once he’s experienced the sensation of fucking something other than his right hand.

Also, this article states that our number has gotten lower than any of the previous generations since the 60s—so get off my back, grandma, I’m probably less of a slut than you were. But also as we’ve stated before, there’s no point in keeping track of your number anyways so this means nothing to us.

sophisticated with a hint of slutty

Another part of this article basically says that as a whole it’s uglier people that are having less sex, because online dating makes it harder to get away with being ugly. No, seriously, here’s the quote, from a psychology professor at San Diego State: “It ends up putting a lot of importance on physical appearance, and that, I think, is leaving out a large section of the population”. 

No Shit Sherlock

Anyways, the point is you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, but if you’re hot then you should have no problem having sex. That’s basically been true throughout history. Perhaps the creepiest line of the whole article is the last one, from an anthropologist at Rutgers: “‘They’ll get to the sex,’ she said. ‘I’m positive of that.’” Nope, that just sounds wrong.


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