Energy Drinks Were Banned at Middlebury Due to Excessive Boning

Middlebury College recently banned the sale of energy drinks on campus due to their student body excessively boning and an alleged connection between the two. School officials claim caffeinated beverages such as Red Bull and 5-Hour Energy have contributed to “problematic behavior” such as alcohol abuse and “high-risk sexual activity,” which ironically is the best advertising for these products I’ve ever heard. What else do they cause? Incredibly good looks? Too much fun?

Students at Middlebury disagree with the policy, mainly because they don’t want to be the college equivalent of that weird kid who wasn’t allowed to drink soda in middle school and then later grew up to be a sociopath. One 22-year-old senior who works at a cafe on campus told reporters, “There are more important things for them to address,” and asked “what do energy drinks have to do with sexual activity?”

That’s a great question, along with why any college would actively try to limit consensual sex between students. Are they doing it on the quad or something? Regardless, I really hope Middlebury students start dealing Red Bull cans out of their dorm rooms Prohibition-style because that would just be hilarious.  


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