You’ve probably heard about this guy named Merrick Garland. No, he’s not some Christmas elf like his name suggests.
President Obama nominated him to the Supreme Court last week. This is a BFD because the Republican-controlled Senate is being more stubborn than your dad when he refuses to give you another $100. It’s Friday and you need money for margaritas. Ugh, no one gets it.
Well the Republicans are all like, “Nah, bitch, we’re not listening bye” to Obama and refusing to meet with Garland or even consider to confirm him for the nomination because it’s an election year. They think the next president should be the one to nominate the Justice to take the late Antonin Scalia’s seat. AKA they want Donald Trump/any of the other less relevant Republican candidates to make the call.
Whatever—this is all a bunch of boring politics only your grandpa cares about. What matters at the end of the day is one thing: Is Merrick Garland a bro? Read on to find out and decide for yourself.
Minus bro points: his name
If he wants to be considered anything near a bro, Merrick has to come up with a cool nickname or something. We were thinking “Mer” but that reminds us of Derek Shepherd’s sex life and that makes us uncomfy considering this guy is like 60 years old and has gray hair.
Plus bro points: he doesn’t give up
Just like you should never give up if the first shot of tequila goes down the wrong way, Merrick doesn’t give a shit what people think and doesn’t stop doing his thing. Twice Obama has passed him up for the nomination to the Supreme Court, but he still kept his act together. Some may say this is a sign of being a delusional dater (or, delusional Supreme Court Justicer?), but we’ll call it perseverance.
Minus bro points: past job history
During his summer breaks in college, he worked as a shoe store clerk. Um…WTF is a shoe store clerk? We get the whole “needing a job” thing, but Merrick could have at least been a lifeguard so he could work on his tan.
Plus bro points: He has two daughters
Clearly he knows how to deal with betchy girls and would definitely understand how we work. He probably would give us his credit card, too.
Minus bro points: his former career aspirations
Everyone keeps saying how he used to work in corporate law but longed to return to public service. Ugh, why do people have this innate desire to do good? Where does that shit come from?
Plus bro points: The entire fucking country is talking about him right now.
When was the last time you knew about something so boring and dry as a Supreme Court nomination? Exactly. Even if he doesn’t get confirmed by the Senate, people will never forget Merrick’s name. Case in point on why he really needs to work on that nickname.