Between JJ and Clint having couples therapy and Ian getting down on his knees last night was by the far the gayest Men Tell All so far. But that’s not all. We also got to swoon at Ben H., watch Kaitlyn relive her 4 months of cyber bullying, and get a taste of the shit show that is Bachelor in Paradise.
Chris Harrison and Bachelor In Paradise
Chris: There’s a case to be made that by getting drunk and fucking multiple dudes, Kaitlyn is actually the Bachelorette who is taking this the most seriously.
Chris: Kaitlyn, the most controversial Bachelorette ever, is here to defend herself against the slut shamers of America.
We then get a preview of Bachelor in Paradise, which from the trailer kind of just looks like Ashley I. just having hysterical freak-outs at various points throughout the season. Of course Claire thinks she came here for love. AGAIN CLAIRE?? Your odds are better on Tinder.
WHAT THE FUCK SUNDAYS AND MONDAYS ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING that is like more time than most divorced dads’ visitation rights.
Ian the Ivy Leaguer is waiting to speak by raising his hand. Typical.
Tanner is representative BFF of everyone in the house and typical delusional guy who thinks they’re all like friends forever on this magical journey.
Tanner: We made fart jokes but we also had great conversations.
Tanner: It looks like Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be a dick.
Tanner is talking about these guys like they’re his Birthright buddies. You think you’re gonna be lifelong friends but actually everyone forgets each other by second semester.
Ian then gets shamed about treating Kaitlyn poorly so his solution is to…get down on one knee? Is he going to blow every guy here to make up for it?
Ian: I just want to say that I’m sorry to America and to the audience members and to my mom.
Chris B. Harrison: Most people just take the crown and go.
JJ and Clint
Corey: The gay thing aside, the fact that you guys were so arrogant and pompous was shocking to me.
Clint: I just want to say that I’m straight and I came here to find true love and develop a relationship with a woman. – So rude that Clint’s fake girlfriend back home is like forcing him to make this speech on national television.
Clint, just because you grew a hideous yet masculine looking blonde beard does not mean all of America no longer thinks you’re gay. Hey maybe that’s why they’re called beards.
Corey: Oh Cling and JJ, do you remember when you spent those four amazing hours together after winter formal?
JJ and Clint are The Plastics of this season. They want to invite Chris Harrison to sit with them everyday for the rest of the week.
JJ: We’re “intellectually curious” about each other. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve casually blown before but we asked questions and had deep conversations. – This all sounds super gay to me.
JJ: We’re not apologetic for the friendship. #loveislove
Chris Harrison: Why does everything have air quotes?
Ryan M’s reactions are the best, “are you fucking kidding with this gay shit?”
JJ then goes on to explain why he didn’t mesh well with the guys in the house.
JJ: It’s like, I’m just an asshole that’s what I do. I like you Josh, that’s why I continuously made fun of you. Fucking duh.
The guys then all berate Josh for yelling at Kaitlyn about letting Nick on the show.
“This show isn’t Josh Finds a Husband for Kaitlyn.” – Clint. I think Josh Finds A Husband For Katilyn would actually be a more entertaining show than this season tbh. ABC? Look into it.
Kupah: She could’ve gone and dated Nick outside the show. She could’ve spared us the tears, she could’ve spared us helicopter rides! — Oh no did someone force you to take a romantic helicopter ride around the statue of liberty!! Talk about unnecessary torture.
Ben Z actually looks way hotter here than he did on the show. Maybe it’s because he’s not dressed like he’s on Jersey Shore.
10 minutes of sad, sad Ben Z footage about his mom: “The wake ceremony was supposed to be a fun day” – Chris Harrison
Chris is silently wondering how much he could’ve paid Ben Z to cry for the first time in 11 years on national television.
On the other hand, clearly Jared has no problem crying.
I’m 0% surprised that Jared locks himself in his room and listens to The Cranberries’ Linger on repeat probably while eating Ben and Jerry’s. Also not surprised he is a huge fan of the movie Click.
OMG he’s even cuter when he smiles and basic bitches across the country agree with me.
Ben on Kaitlyn: I got mad love for you shawty.
Are they gonna call him Ben H. when he’s The Bachelor?
Chris Harrison: We’re going to do something a little different and re-embarrass the shit out of you right now by reading a few horrible things people said about you on Twitter that previously only a few people had seen but now all of America can re-enjoy.
Side note: Someone needs to use these sound bites of Chris Harrison reading mean tweets about Kaitlyn for something really funny.
The following awkward and uncomfortable tweets were read aloud by Chris Harrison:
“You’re the worst bachelorette ever in history. You’re a little #whore so shut your little whore mouth #slut.”
“Kaitlyn you need to un-spread your whore legs and shut your bleep filthy diseased mouth and fuck off.”
“Kaitlyn is a selfish whore with no morals and a pathetic excuse for a human being!! She should just crawl in a hole and die. ”
“I hope the fans break her spirit so that our kids can see that whoring behavior isn’t rewarded…”
“I can’t wait to see Kaitlyn cry like a little BITCH. She is a dirty WHORE who treats people like shit!!! Also, love your shoes on week 5.”
Joe: Sorry I really didn’t mean that last one.
“Chris B. Harrison is so hot. ”
Chris Harrison: Sorry I don’t know how that one got in there.
Which Bachelor interns had to draft all these tweets for the live reading?
Basically this scene went something like this…
The men then give Kaitlyn a standing ovation after these tweets for a reason unknown to anyone.
Kaitlyn then apologizes for how she treated Nick, asks everyone to back the fuck off, and accepts Ian’s second on-his-knees apology.
The bloopers were funnyish. There was a lot of Kaitlyn making faces at birds. Also, we learned that Joe told Kaitlyn he loved her and then immediately blurts out, “I need to take a huge whizz.” Then on live TV Joe put on a bird mask and ran after her. It was sort of exciting… or in Chris Harrison’s words, “extremely controversial.”