It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, I’m not talking about the holidays. I’m talking about the births of two out of the three Disick/Kardashian brood. Perhaps I should have led with that first. Whatever. Anyway, today is Mason Dash Disick and Reign Aston Disick’s birthday, because yes, they were born on the same damn day. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to look ahead to the future, when the cutest kids on the planet will undoubtedly have more daddy issues than Bella Thorne and Ariel Winter combined. So, in honor of their birthday, here’s a list of all the issues Mason and Reign will 100 percent be bringing up with their therapists in the future (aside from talking about their horrendous names).
1. Their Shared Birthday
First and foremost, let’s talk about the fact that Kris Jenner somehow orchestrated the birth of two of her grandsons to take place on the same day, five years apart. I don’t even want to know what sort of cosmic rules she had to break in order to pull off that sort of sorcery, but job well done, Kris, because that’s v impressive. Let’s also keep in mind that at the time of Reign’s birth, Saint had not been born yet and thus Kourtney’s kids were Kris’ only grandsons. Kris also probably thought Kim was out of the pregnancy game after she complained so much while carrying North; otherwise, I’m sure Kris would have saved this
pact with the devil PR stunt for the favorite daughter.
Whatever the case, Mason and Reign both share December 14th as their birthday, which is mad fucked up on so many levels. First of all, birthdays are sacred. It’s the one day of the year in which everything gets to be about you. You know, aside from your half birthday, anniversary, Tuesday, Halloween, and really any other day that ends in Y. But birthdays are special, goddamnit! I barely want to share clothes with my younger sister, much less a whole fucking day that’s supposed to be devoted to me. Nope. Not happening. I guarantee you this birthday sharing will be what they lead with during their first session.
2. Their Conception Stories
Lol I can’t wait for them to finally watch old KUWTK episodes and learn the truth about their conceptions. If you’ll recall, Mason was born after Kourtney drunkenly hooked up with Scott, whom she had dumped weeks earlier for being a slob kabob and actual drunken psychopath. There was actually an entire episode devoted to if they were even going to have the baby, and Khloé almost beat the shit out of both of them when they decided to keep him. Ah, memories. And while we don’t know the specifics of Reign’s conception, we do know that literally minutes after Kourtney told Scott she was pregnant, he went on a four-day bender. So that definitely won’t have any long-term impact on his self-worth. Nope, none at all.
3. The Diet Kourtney Probably Has Them On
As you may know, we here at Betches are always the first to report on hard-hitting stories, which is why we know exactly what Kourtney Kardashian eats to stay fit AF. In case you were wondering, it’s
literally nothing a heavy diet of organic gluten-free foods. And I would bet my brunch reservations that she’s got her entire brood subscribing to her “all natural” way of life. It’s enough to make me want to call child services on her ass. I want to, but I won’t, because let’s face it—Reign’s shit-filled diaper is probably worth more than anything I own so, yeah, I think I’ll leave this one for the therapist to handle.
4. All Of Their Mom’s/Aunt’s/Grandmother’s Nudes
There’s a lot these kids could be traumatized by, but having their mom’s, aunt’s, and GRANDMOTHER’s nudes hanging as framed artwork in their house growing up has to be pretty high up there on the list. I have a feeling middle school is going to be a rough one for these two, especially when they’ll have to explain mommy’s European spring break phase in 2017 to any friends who come over. Good luck with that, kiddos.
5. The Fact That P Is Clearly The Favorite
And, no, this is not some rumor I’m spreading just to start shit (though that does sound like me), but an actual, indisputable fact. As a longtime viewer of KUWTK, I consider myself
part of the family someone who knows almost every intimate detail of their lives, and I know that Penelope is the favorite child. As someone who is also the golden child in their family, I recognize the signs of favoritism. Scott has stated multiple times that Penelope is, and I quote, “One of the only things I’m proud of about myself.” P also gets the most birthday wishes and general shout-out posts from her aunts’ Instagram accounts. That speaks VOLUMES, because you know those bitches rarely ever post something that doesn’t have to do with their OOTD, makeup, plastic surgery barely clothed body, or whatever product they’re supposed to be promoting for the amount of money I make in one year. I’m also pretty positive P was the only Disick child born out of love and not a desperate attempt to trap the other one into a long-term relationship. Beautiful.
6. Why Their Stepmom Is Old Enough To Be An Adopted Sibling Of Theirs
After an entire summer of fucking barely legal Instagram thots, Scott Disick has finally settled down with Sofia Richie, a person whose most noteworthy contribution to society is her thirst trap of an Instagram account. It’s like it was written in the stars for them, huh? They’ve been dating since September, which is four and half months longer than any of his other public cries for help have lasted, so I guess it’s serious? If this does last and they eventually get married to pull ratings for Keeping Up With The Kardashians (Kris, I wouldn’t put it past you), then I absolutely can’t wait until they air the episode where Scott sits down the kids to explain that their new stepmom could actually be an adopted sibling of theirs. Hear me out now. Sofia Richie is 19 years old, while Scott’s son Mason just turned 8. That’s only an 11 year age gap between his first born CHILD and the girl he’s been sucking face with at every bar, beach, and restaurant in the greater California area. That’s like some Meredith Blake Parent Trap shit happening right there and 100 percent a reason his kids will be seeking counseling in the near future.
Well, boys, happy birthday! If you’re anything like your Aunt Kylie I’m sure we’ll be seeing some
great thirsty AF things from you in the future.