129. Making Shit Up

As a betch, the art of manipulation is something we’ve been perfecting since we were in diapers, dragging our dads to Toys ‘R’ Us to buy us our first pink Barbie Jeeps. However, many betches know that getting everything you want is often accompanied by a certain bending of the truth… in the least sociopathic way possible. Now, some nerdy teachers and The APA might call this “lying,” but betches know the truth. Lying is for Bill Clinton and James Frey. Betches make shit up.

As a betch, you will often find yourself making shit up for absolutely no reason. Usually, making shit up is like second nature, kind of like saying ‘like’ every other word or throwing up on Saturday mornings. Some may say this is fucked up. We say, chill out Dr. Phil.

chelsea handlerNo one makes shit up like Chels

Let’s look at some reasons a betch would make shit up, and what it’s okay to lie about without being called a patho.


To get out of doing #36 work:

– Calling in sick when you’re hungover, fucking duh.

Like, sorry Aunt Lydia, but that $20 gift certificate to the Gap last Christmas earned you a fake death to get out of my take home midterm.

– At a job interview…

Interviewer: Name a time you acted as a leader in a group situation.

You: ::Repeat volunteering story you read in that nice girl in your English class’s college essay::

Strategic but inoffensive bullshitting:

– Saying you have your period in an attempt to #8 not fuck bros… Apparently you have the world’s longest menstruation lasting upwards of three weeks.

– A friend texts you to hang out but you’re not in the mood. “Oops, just got invited to a bris, let’s hang tomorrow?

For no reason whatsoever: Why would we make stuff up for no reason? It’s fun, and betches are too lazy to speak in accuracies, obvi. Like presidents love to pretend like they’re stimulating the economy or not cheating on their wives. Similarly, we do this to stimulate conversation.

– Your friend asks you if Kourtney and Kim is on tonight. It’s not. You say yes anyway. When she asks you why the channel guide begs to differ, you just say you weren’t paying attention, which you weren’t, so that only counts as half a lie.

When you’ve crossed the line:

Now betches, let’s be clear. There is a distinction between exaggerating and making shit up. Exaggerating is for a person who cares about what other people think. It’s for people who are TTH. Making shit up is just something that happens when you don’t give a shit about the conversation or it just slips because you weren’t paying attention and don’t care enough to actually formulate a thoughtful truthful response. making shit up Also, it’s never okay to make shit up about real things (i.e. knowing people you don’t, places you went that you didn’t actually go, family illnesses, getting a job, dating a guy or telling people he’s been texting you when you’re the one texting him.) That’s lying. These types of substantially misleading statements will guarantee that you’re just giving your besties great material to talk about while you’re gone. Omg Jenny is saying that Ben is like, in love with her, but really he’s not even following her on #39 Twitter.

Since biblical times, people have been shouting bullshit from the rooftops like “the truth shall set you free.” Wow, talk about #129 making shit up. If betches really valued honesty, you’d wind up crying when we inevitably told you that your boyfriend is fug. Betches and bros know that it’s making shit up that gets you laid.

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