Dear Betch, How Do I Get My Friend To Realize He’s In Love With Me?

Got a fucked-up problem only the betches can solve? Email us at and you just might get a response. Also, read our new book.

Dear Betches,

I met a guy a few weeks ago and we seemed to hit it off really well. But the past few days I have been debating if it’s even worth pursuing any longer. We haven’t even hooked up yet and he has already brought up kids. He’s 7 years older than me so I was thinking that he probably just wants to know how I see myself after college. Besides completely freaking me out by asking these kinds of questions so early it also seems to be a problem since I don’t wanna have kids and he does.

Today I went shopping with a friend and afterwards he asked me what I bought so I showed him the Givenchy antigona I had bought. Although I didn’t really feel comfortable telling him the price I ended up telling him because he kept asking. When I finally told him he just told me that he is someone who wants to provide nice things for his girl but that he wouldn’t be able to afford anything like that.

First of all this is BS because he told me what kind of money he makes and second I don’t expect him to buy me a givenchy bag. Which is exactly what I told him. And he was just like “that’s what you say now.”

I have to admit that I definitely wouldn’t mind getting something nice from a guy if he was able to afford it. But I definitely don’t think it’s necessary since I can afford nice bags myself.

Besides accusing me of expecting a lot I feel like we also don’t really seem to have the same lifestyle.

Am I just overreacting or is this really not worth pursuing any longer? And if it’s not worth it how do I end this?

Rich Bitch w/o Kids

Dear Material Girl,

(I really impress myself sometimes.) Nice name-drop on the bag, by the way. I mean, it seems like you should stop seeing this guy for a variety of reasons. 1) he’s baby crazy and 2) he low-key thinks you’re a gold digger. Like literally, he flat-out said to you that he expects you to become a gold digger if you end up dating seriously. Hold up, is he Connor from Bumble?

The reality is, just because you got along well a few weeks ago isn’t a reason to continue seeing someone you’re already having major doubts about. This is literally why dating exists. Literally. So yeah, it’s fine. As for how you end it, next time he asks you to hang out (because obviously he has to be the one doing the asking), just be like “it’s a no from me, dawg.”

Or like, some variation of that.

Randy Jackson kisses (whatever TF those are; I just made it up),

The Betches

Dear Betch,
At the risk of sounding like a fucking idiot I am writing to you for advice because you always keep it real which is what I like most about the Betches. I am currently going through a break up. He’s my first love. First real adult relationship. First live in boyfriend (almost was my first time too except for this one time in high school). Anyway we were together for three years until he moved away to transfer to a university. We broke up and now I’m back at my parents which pretty much blows. I miss everything about him. I wish he had been a jerk maybe it would be easier to get over him that way. I don’t know how to begin to get over it, other than the obvious delete his number and block him on social media. I’m 24 and fucken clueless how this goes. I’m pathetic and cry a LOT. I’m staying home a lot like a loser. How do I get over it?
Another thing: I have been with him for basically my entire 20’s so idk how dating even works now. Apparently it’s all done through apps now? We met in class which is now considered old school. I know I am not close to being ready to date someone new but I am single and would like to have fun. Honestly I’ve never even had a one night stand before. I just want to experience all my 20’s have to offer and so far this year is horrible because I lost my bf, my cool ass apartment, and most of my friends are studying abroad or starting families and then there’s sad ass me. Told you I am clueless. Help me please. I am starting to annoy myself with this shit.

xoxo, At least I’m not eating my feelings.

I ain’t got the time for this,

Step 1: Acquire friends.

Step 2: Move the fuck out of your parents’ house. I’m sure it’s not helping anything.

Step 3: Go out with said friends.

Like…it’s pretty simple stuff. Get blackout, get some hobbies, fill your time with shit other than nostalgia. Don’t even worry about dating yet. It’s a fucking shit show, and it’s terrible. Trust me, you are absolutely not missing anything. The trainwreck that is modern dating will still be here when you get your shit together.

Don’t try to pretend like you haven’t heard of Tinder,

The Betches

<--break->” class=”wysiwyg-break drupal-content” src=”/sites/all/modules/wysiwyg/plugins/break/images/spacer.gif” title=”<--break-->“></p>
<p>Greetings fellow betches. Even though I have told this story to basically everyone who knows me, I want a betchy consult from an outside perspective.</p><div class=

I’ve known this guy for almost three years now and am completely in love with him. I am so far in the friend zone I have ocean-front property. He claims he doesn’t feel that way about me. BUT we spend an obscene amount of time together. When I go to his apartment on the weekends I usually sleep over two nights in a row. But sometimes it’s been as many as three or four. When I sleep over we sleep in the same bed and he has NEVER. TRIED. ANYTHING. We are basically dating without the sex.

We go to dinner and movies. We go to the beach together during the summer. We buy each other Christmas and birthday presents. His family loves me. I went to his house on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas this year. My family loves him too. He was my plus one to my sister’s wedding a few months ago. For the most part we talk every day. Whenever anything happens to us, good or bad, we tell each other first. At least it feels that way.

People keep telling me I need to move on and stop being friends with him. I tried that for a few months and ended up so miserable because of it. And according to our mutual friend, he was pretty depressed too. I’m not assuming it was because of me, but I don’t know. Anyway, we’re friends right now and I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to move on, but I don’t want to lose him from my life; he’s too important.

Please haaaalp. 

Please give me a minute…

OMG you are such a fucking idiot. “Dating without the sex” IS FRIENDSHIP. IT IS LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP. Sex is the sole factor that separates your platonic friends from your not-platonic friends. Jesus H. Christ. 

Seeing as it seems like you’ve already told him how you feel and he’s not into you the same way, the only thing you can do is reduce contact. I would say cut him off completely, but I’m being realistic with the situation at hand (you). Stop sleeping over. Stop doing couple-y shit. Gradually reduce contact until you realize that this guy—and no guy’s—presence is that vital in your life that you can’t live without it. The only exception is your dad. 

Of course this guy was sad when you stopped hanging out with him—probably because he knew he’d actually have to start putting in effort to get girls to meet his parents and sleep at his place and shit. 

Alternatively, have you considered the possibility that he’s gay?

Something to think about,

The Betches

What would I do without you people. You guys help me put my life into perspective. Thank you, everyone who has, and anyone who will, write in to Dear Betch. Please continue to email me your problems at, and I promise to keep responding in a snarky way.


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches