America is a shitty trash heap. I mean, it’s the best country in the world, don’t get me wrong, but it achieved that status in spite of itself, not because of any inherent greatness. Kim Kardashian is the closest thing we have to an aristocracy. An anthropomorphic chunk of General Tso’s chicken is one half of our potential presidential candidates, which he achieved through the trials and tribulations of defeating one of the least likable human beings ever born. Point is, this place is beat.
But it doesn’t have to be! Allow us to present to you what we believe will soon be an unstoppable juggernaut in American politics: the “Make America What Everyone Wishes it Was Anyway” party. We have a plan to reshape America. Literally. Check out our bold new vision for a brighter, better (no longer) United States of America.
“Make America What Everyone Wishes it Was Anyway” party map FAQ
What am I looking at here?
What you see before you is the United States as most sane people wished it looked anyway. That is, all of the nice places on the coasts, without any of the bullshit in between (or up north, where it’s too cold).
Why is it so shitty looking?
Because I’m fucking left-handed and a right handed mouse isn’t the best tool for doing precision cartography, Ms. Judgy McJudgerface.
So how does this work?
Simple. The blue parts are what’s left of the USA, the green parts we’ll cede to Mexico and the red parts we’ll beg Canada to take off our hands. In West America, we kept all of the coastal states (generously including Nevada, because Vegas) they all have nice weather, varied terrain and generally chill people. You’ll notice I left out Los Angeles, because people in LA kind of wreck the whole “chill west coast” vibe and tend to suck in general, and it’s not like there aren’t plenty of other places with nice weather.
In East America, we’ve excluded the South and kept just the mid-atlantic and northern states, stopping shy of Vermont and New Hampshire and shit because they may as well be Canada anyway. You’ll notice that as it moves north, I tried to cut out the shitty parts of these states, like most of New York and Pennsylvania.
In the middle, we’ve preserved Colorado. Watching Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda on ID has taught me that there are some really shitty people in Colorado Springs, but Colorado has pretty mountains, nice weather and legal weed. Oh, and Hawaii too (duh).
Wait, why is Virginia in there if you left out the South?
Because those northern states are all small and it would not have made for an attractive map if I left it out. Plus I’m from there, so I’m biased. Do you have a popular web platform on which to share your ideas for reshaping the country? No, so shut up.
What are all of these blue dots?
Glad you asked! Those represent cities that we think are pretty cool, located in otherwise shitty places. Think of it as a Vatican City-type arrangement. Citizens of either West America, East America or Colorado can travel freely to and from any of these places, like we do with the US Virgin Islands now (we’re keeping those, too). The blue dots represent…
– Austin, TX: They want to keep Austin weird, and there’s nothing weirder than being part of one country entirely surrounded by another.
– New Orleans, LA: GUMBO!
– Nashville, TN: We can’t just go giving away the music capital of the country, can we?
– Atlanta, GA: [sigh] Atlanta’s fine, I guess. Consider it the New York of the south.
– Charleston, SC: If you haven’t gone on a bachelorette here in the last 5 years, you’re either lying or have no friends.
– Miami, FL: Getting rid of all the shitty states doesn’t mean it won’t still get cold up north, and Cali is a long flight away.
Wait, no Chicago?
Ugh, I missed that one. I guess we can keep Chicago too. Until the Cubs in a World Series. Then they’re out.
Won’t what’s left of America starve if we get rid of all of the flyover states?
Not hardly! California alone clears over 11% of the nation’s agricultural cash receipts, and states like Virginia and New Jersey produce their fair share on the east coast, too. Plus, with the exception of Texas, most of the states we’re selling to Canada and Mexico seem like freeloaders to me. By offloading them, we’ll have plenty of money to import whatever we want.
What qualifies you to propose any of this?
I’ve held exactly as many elected and/or appointed political positions as the Republican nominee for President of the United States.
This can’t… There’s no way… Are you fucking insane?
Fortune favors the bold. Plus, we won’t even make you pay for any of the walls or anything.
But I go to school in [excluded city]!
Friend, do you know how cheap college is in Canada and Mexico? Consider this the closest we’ll come to free college for all.