We all saw Madonna’s sad, weird excuse for a dress that she wore to the Met Gala last week. Most of us had pretty much the same thought progression: “WTF is this?” to “Yikes, this is ugly” to “Madonna, just…no.” Well, if you had any of these thoughts, especially that last one, Madonna wants you to know that you’re a sexist piece of shit, basically.
Madonna took to Instagram to say that her dress was “a political statement as well as a fashion statement” and assert that people who didn’t like her outfit are “proof that we still live in an age-ist and sexist society.” And like, while I don’t disagree with the fact that sexism is a thing and older women are practically invisible in society/the media, and while there are people (lookin’ at you, Piers Morgan) who were hating on Madonna’s outfit just because she’s kinda old now (in addition to her fatal flaw of being female), I am gonna just go ahead and speak for most of the taste-having population when I say: Madonna, we don’t hate your outfit because you’re old, you’re old because we hate your outfit.
No, wait. That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, we hated your dress because it was just fugly. Like, show your tits and ass, that’s fine—we’ve all certainly seen ’em before—your body is probably better than mine anyway. But there are ways to do that that look, you know like, actually good or fashionable, and not like you walked out of the locker room sabotage scene in Mean Girls?
Promise I’m not old-slut-shaming—as a betch, I know better than anyone the importance of dressing like a slut at
all most times. But I also know how to dress like a slut without looking like I walked out of a shredder. Or like I just came back from playing that bar mitzvah game where you take a bunch of toilet paper and wrap your friend like a mummy as fast as possible. You get my point. I’m just saying. Just cause it’s Givenchy don’t mean it’s cute.