I’ll admit it, I’m one of those people who decides how I feel about an article just by reading the headline alone—it’s one of the many reasons I’m such a great writer. So you can imagine how I felt when I came across this article about low battery anxiety. Oh, you can’t imagine? Good, because that’s why I’m here to tell you.
Unfortunately, in the name of journalistic integrity, I can’t just go off on a rant about how low battery anxiety CAN’T be a real thing without at least reading for myself about what it entails. So basically, here’s the deal: LG Electronics (no bias there at all) took a poll of more than 2,000 adults in the U.S. who use smartphones and found that 9 out of 10 respondents felt panicked when their phone battery dropped below 20%. LG is calling this phenomenon “low battery anxiety;” I am calling it “being normal.” Even more interesting and not-at-all-obvious results from this totally necessary survey include that 32% of people will “drop everything” to charge their phone and 22% of people will order something at a bar or restaurant just for outlet access.
In other words, 9 out of 10 adults are normal people with totally rational responses to their phone—the only way they can connect with the friends they’re going to meet up with later/get in touch with their emergency contact should they fall and find themselves unable to get up/troll Instagram—is on the verge of dying. In related news, 22-32% of people will go to rational and/or resourceful lengths to make sure said lifeline remains functional for as long as possible. The same study also found that 100% of humans need to breathe to stay alive. A follow-up study conducted by the same researchers came to the earth-shattering conclusion that water is—you guessed it—still wet.
Honestly, the most surprising thing about this study is that LG expects me to believe that only 22% of people will duck into a Starbucks or nearby bar to charge their iPhones real quick. Unless this question is really splitting hairs and zoning in on the fact that only 22% of people will actually order something in the restaurant so as not to look like a huge asshole who ordered tap water and sat at a table for 2 hours charging their phone—that I would believe. But the rest of this is so absurd. Unless LG is going to come out with a smart phone with a battery life of longer than 4 hours, and then sell that phone to Apple, I really fail to see the point of this survey.
Low battery anxiety is something literally all people with a not-brand-new smart phone deal with multiple times a day. Wait, I wonder if my doctor would prescribe me Xanax to treat this “anxiety”? If so, OMG, Low Battery Anxiety, or LBA for short, is a totally serious disorder plaguing betches around the country, you guys. It’s a disease that’s truly debilitating (until you can like, get to an outlet), and the only cure is Xanax or a new iPhone. BRB, going to go email this study to both my doctor and my dad. You know what they say: Awareness is the first step to getting better. Pray for me. With your good vibes, anti-anxiety meds, and a new phone, I just may reach full recovery.