A Love Letter To The Guy That Delivers Us Weed

Dear Dealer,

When a betch moves to a new city after college she’s confronted with a ton of shit to figure out and one of the biggest pains is the process of settling in. We have to pretend to be real adults and find ourselves a new doctor, bank, gym and, most importantly, dealer. It’s not like the fucking Bachelorette either; you have to kiss a lot of unreliable frogs before you finally find your prince that hooks it up with a $40 eighth.

Finding a new dealer is like finding a boyfriend in that even the smallest red flag in the beginning can make or break your relationship. God forbid they are the type that wants to stay and chat every time, or worse, the kind that never shows at all. That’s why when we finally graduated from the shit fifth year senior dealers we had in college, we were shocked to see the number of quality dealers operating in the real world.

Just like your 2 am pizza of regret, weed is something best delivered. Any self-respecting betch would never venture out to a public park on a Saturday morning to pick up an emergency sack, and delivery dealers get that. No matter the time of day or week, a great dealer replies with “should be there in 15,” and before you know it you’re choosing between Sativa and Hybrid from the comfort of your couch. We don’t actually understand how one man is able to be anywhere in 15 minutes in a city that takes 2 hours to get across, but we just assume he’s like a much shadier Santa Claus and that it’s best to not ask.

If your dealer happens to be a hard 6 or above you are by default extremely attracted to him. I mean it’s pretty hard not to feel a deep connection to the person standing over you with bags of weed after you just spent the last two hours in the fetal position with your clothes from last night still on. So thank you dealers that deliver us weed. While we don’t know your real names, we have affectionately titled your contact with a drug innuendo in our favorites list. And everyone knows nicknames are reserved for our inner circle only. We share an unspoken bond and both appreciate the importance of not asking questions, something we never thought we would find in a man.

We hope one day to find someone who shows us the same care that you do…or that you get a better job and text us first some day.


The Betches


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