Unless you’re a 15-year-old girl or a middle aged divorcée, you probably don’t give a shit about One Direction. Don’t get me wrong, I loved “Best Song Ever,” but I learned my lesson about obsessing over teen boy bands with the Jonas Brothers. Well, nonetheless, Louis Tomlinson is 24 years old and the worst singer in the group. He was like the Khloé Kardashian of One Direction—not the most talented, but has a great personality.
Well last year, he broke up with his long term girlfriend, and like anyone getting out of a long distance relationship he hooked up with the first girl he saw that night, Briana Jungwirth. And then she got pregnant. Boy meets girl. Boy has sex with girl. Girl traps boy in pregnancy because he’s an international pop star and millionaire. Young love is so romantic.
Louis and Briana aren’t together, but Briana gave birth to their son Freddie in January. People on the Internet have lost what little chill they still had and are claiming the baby is fake. The bat shit crazy theory is that Louis is secretly in love with Harry Styles (who is also dating Kendall Jenner), but the One Direction management team didn’t like their relationship or the rumors, so they hired Briana to pretend to be Louis’ baby mama and are photoshopping pics for Instagram.
To prove this theory, people have been “analyzing” the Instagrams. Apparently, Louis’ tattoos and hair length in real life don’t match the photos, the photos look super similar to other people’s Instagram pics, and also the baby might be a doll prop. If you want to see the lengths these people will go to, here’s just one crazy fan’s “analysis”:
There are a couple of things that make absolutely no sense about this theory, besides all of it. Why the fuck would management spend the time and money to fake a pregnancy, when it’s going to become pretty fucking obvious Louis doesn’t have a son at some point? Why the fuck would Louis pretend to have a son if he doesn’t? Why the fuck would this girl go after a guy with millions of dollars to spend in legal fees if she knows the kid isn’t his? Why wouldn’t she set her sights on one of the actually attractive members of 1D? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
I just hope none of these conspiracy theorists run for President in 2040.