If you think people lie on Facebook you clearly haven’t ever heard of LinkedIn. Cropping your fat arm out of your profile picture is one thing, but pretending to have any kind of career skills is another.
You can’t exactly put “able to take 10 shots in 20 minutes and function normally” on the top of your resume. So that’s why you have to do something betches are actually good at doing: making shit up.
If you haven’t created your LinkedIn profile yet, this is a great place to get inspired. You can finally show your dad “what you’re doing with your life” since your 90-second Snapchat story from last Friday night probably won’t cut it.
1. Fluent in Excel
The only time you ever understood a spreadsheet was that time you got your hands on your SAB’s fraternity formal date list. It doesn’t take a genius to realize you’re being fucked over by a shady frat bro.
2. Wholesome and put together, as evidenced by your headshot
You’re probably using your composite headshot that you only took so you were allowed to go to the Greek Week mixers. There’s definitely beer in your hair that you attempted to cover up with dry shampoo.
3. All of your connections
AKA all of the guys you slept with in college and all of the girls you pretended to be besties with.
4. Volunteer positions
Calling your grandma once a month doesn’t count.
5. Your endorsed skills
Texting your house group chat to endorse your Microsoft Office abilities and Basic HTML coding was the most effort you put into your resume since high school. WTF does HTML even stand for?
6. People you follow
This isn’t like Instagram where you follow Gigi Hadid to force yourself to get your ass to the gym. Follow some top corporate guys your dad always names drops and you’re set.