I know, I know. Somewhere between your blackout tequila parties, enviable closet, circle of betches, and being super hardcore amazing, you forgot to learn how to cook. Maybe it’s mommy’s fault; maybe your
slave maid never taught you growing up or didn’t speak enough English to explain how a proper taco is made. These things happen. Now, as a supposedly functioning adult, people like, expect you to know how to cook an omelet or roast a chicken or make something other than cereal and pasta. And it isn’t okay. Somewhere the world has failed you and we’re here to help make it right. Here are 10 handy tips for the betch who, for whatever reason, never really learned to cook for herself.
1. Buy A Lot Of Salad
If you’re truly afraid of the oven, best get used to making salads. We suggest you stockpile shit like arugula, romaine, spring mix, and spinach for interesting salad beds. For toppings, always have shit like shredded or crumbled cheese—think cheddar, blue, and feta—tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, peppers, and olives. That’ll give you a solid start for an assortment of salads. Also, keep some balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil on hand for dressing—maybe buy a NICE bottle of Caesar dressing, too.
2. Chickens Are Your Friends
You know how there are always an assortment of pre-made rotisserie chickens either near the salad bar or at the checkout line at the grocery store? Actually no, you wouldn’t know that. Well, head to your local purveyor of food and grab one. It’s already roasted so all you have to do is eat it. Shred it and add it to your salad, break off a leg and nom, or add some to pasta for an ACTUAL meal.
3. Get Used To Smoothies
Since you have all those veggies on hand for your salads, grab some fruit, too, and make smoothies. They’re a good meal replacement and you don’t have to actually cook anything. Grab some plain Greek yogurt, a banana, some strawberries, and blend for a delicious breakfast. Chewing your food is overrated anyway.
4. Pasta Is Sometimes Acceptable
You do not need to know how to cook to make pasta. Unless you’re literally an idiot and don’t realize that you need to boil water to make this shit (I knew a girl who literally did not realize this is a crucial step), you’ve got a meal. Boil water, add salt (not even mandatory tbh), drop pasta, cook for like 8-10 mins, taste test, drain. BOOM. Dinner. Fuck, let’s find Raquel and get her to add cheese for CHEESY PASTA, which, I’m pretty sure requires you to sprinkle on some Parmesan, salt, pepper, and butter. Is it super healthy? Not totally, but it’s good for filling you up on a shitty, rainy night when cooking is overrated anyway.
5. Steer Clear Of Rice
If you cannot cook, do not attempt to make rice. Why? Because it requires you to leave the pot alone, which anyone who cannot cook will not be able to do. If you’re craving grains, get some quinoa or barley which don’t require much skill to prepare. Shit, you could even find some minute microwavable rice. It isn’t that bad—just check the sodium on any microwavable foods.
6. Get A Crock Pot
What’s easier than throwing a bunch of ingredients into a pot, hitting a button, and walking away? Literally nothing. If you cannot cook, buy a crock pot. It requires no skill to throw in a few chicken breasts, peppers, onions, and tomatoes—thus creating a lovely dinner. You can also make fondue in it (of the chocolate or cheese variety), which makes it a staple of any betch kitchen.
7. Pass The Ploughman’s Plate
Have you ever heard of this? It’s your lucky day. Considered a legit meal across the Atlantic, the ploughman’s plate is literally a plate filled with cheese, bread, pickles and occasionally crackers, fruit, and hard-boiled eggs. It touches on literally all of the food groups and will totally fill you up, even if it sounds literally disgusting. So if all you can deal with is arranging some cheese and bread on a plate, congrats. You’re doing it right.
8. Beware Of Frozen Entrees
If you loathe getting near the oven but want a home-cooked tasting meal, peruse the frozen section. Lots of pre-steamed veggies can be thrown directly into the microwave. Same goes for some pre-made chicken and fish items. Just check the sodium and calorie counts. THAT’S WHERE THEY GET CHA.
9. Pre-Packaged Food Isn’t All Bad
So you’re craving salmon but a) can’t cook and b) none of your takeout joints have it. Get your ass to the grocery store, find pre-portioned frozen wild caught Atlantic salmon and bring it home. Grab one of the filets, defrost by leaving in a hot water bath for 15 minutes, cut open the package, and put it on a baking sheet or piece of foil in the oven with a little salt and pepper. Cook for 20-25 minutes at 250F and BOOM. You’ll have literally amazing, juicy salmon that you can flake and put over pasta or top off your salad. This isn’t difficult AT ALL.
10. When In Doubt, Take Out
Obviously if you’re not a cook, you need to learn what takeout is okay and what is not. Yeah, a pizza once a month won’t kill you, but it isn’t doing you any favors, either. Opt for salads with dressing on the side, entrees that mention nothing about sauces and cheese, and the less bread, the better.