Yesterday I was minding my own business,
trolling Facebook working diligently on various projects my boss assigned me, checking out my usual web news sources of Complex and Hot New Hip Hop—you know, typical white girl things—when I came across something so especially heinous I wanted to call in the SVU detectives. What I saw was not actually a sex crime, but something much worse: Kylie Jenner has a rap song out, and from what I can tell it is not a joke. Or at least, she did not put it out in the spirit of jest. I honestly feel like this is my fault—maybe if I had never made that April Fool’s joke about Kylie wanting to be on Love & Hip Hop, she never would have decided to prove me right. I don’t know, guys. What I do know is 2016 is a fucking terrible time to be alive.
It gets better, though, because her song is a collab with a rapper named Lil’ Yachty. A name so horrible I am considering putting myself out of my own misery so I don’t have to deal with any more unnecessary rainbow colored shit, a Trump presidency, or the rise of a rapper who earnestly goes by the pseudonym Lil’ Yachty. I really thought we had reached the apex of terrible rapper names with Young Thug, but I am dismayed to say that I was wrong.
assault on your eardrums tune is called “Beautiful Day,” and it is a remix of the theme song to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood—especially ironic considering that after learning of this song’s existence, my day has been anything but beautiful. Mr. Rogers, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry you had to die twice. I’m equally sorry to report that I had to subject myself to a full 2 minutes and 48 seconds of this garbage before I even got to Kylie’s monotone voice saying “Jordan, staaaahhpp!!” and giggling on the track, IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THAT A GUEST VERSE.
I guess I should also note here that, if you are a crazy masochist who’s still curious enought to try to take a listen, the song is probably NSFW. Also before you get all up in arms, that is NOT Kylie saying the N-word on the track, but no word yet on if she says it among her white friends when no one’s around to call her out on it.
Jesus fucking Christ. I would like you all to know that I am now writing this article from beyond the early grave I just put myself in, because I would rather take my chances in the afterlife than live in a world where this is a song.
I bet this was all Tyga’s idea.