Today is Kristen Doute’s birthday, and don’t feel bad if you didn’t know that—we can’t all have a Google calendar reminder set in our phones like I do. Anyway, Kristen is without a doubt one of the most important people on Vanderpump Rules—not because she’s particularly lovable or witty or anything, but because she’s fucking nuts. Without Kristen, there would have been no seasons 1-4 of our favorite terrible Bravo show. So in honor of Kristen’s 34th birthday—holy shit, this bitch is 34? She really needs to get a real job. Anyway, in honor of her birthday we’re revisiting her top 10 most batshit crazy moments. There were a lot to choose from, and I don’t have all fucking day, so just know that it was a really tough decision process choosing which ones to include. Also, these are ranked in no particular order because when it comes down to it, all of these moments are pretty equally psychotic.
1. The Time She Fucked Jax On Her Boyfriend’s Couch (While He Was Asleep In The Other Room)
Okay, I lied. MOST of these moments are equally crazy, but cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend not once, but TWICE, tops the list of crazy. Nothing else is more pathological and fucked up than that. Oh I guess except for fucking your boyfriend’s best friend twice while your boyfriend is asleep in the other room. Honestly, it would never even occur to me to do something that twisted. Gotta love how Kristen’s mind works.
2. The Time She Told Her Boss To Suck A Dick
Honestly, I’m kind of surprised that this was the moment that got her fired. Compared to literally everything else Kristen had done up until that point—like duck out of work all the time to cry/sabotage Tom’s life—telling someone to suck a dick when you’re technically off the clock seems pretty tame. But I guess you gotta draw the line somewhere.
3. The Time She Brought The Miami Girl To SUR
I know this is what prompted crazy moment #2, but let’s talk about how fucking insane you have to be to 1) Stalk a random girl on Twitter 2) Convince her to fly across the fucking country, all so she can 3) Show up at your place of work to confront a guy YOU’RE NOT EVEN DATING ANYMORE and expose him as a cheater. I know that sentence was barely holding it together, much like Kristen at the time tbh. It’s soooo much effort for someone you’re not even dating. Just, why? Why did they let Kristen think this was a good idea?
4. The Time(s) She Showed Up To Pump To Antagonize James
When most people are fired from a job, they make it a point to never revisit their former place of work again. Not Kristen, though. Not only did she show up at Pump all the fucking time, but she did it just to antagonize James and fuck up his shit. What a supportive girlfriend! Honestly, if I had to deal with my crazy boyfriend showing up at my job just to start petty fights with me, I’d probably become an alcoholic too.
5. The Time She Tried To Give Lisa An Ultimatum
“Either Ariana goes or I go” were probably not Kristen’s exact words at the time, but the sentiment is the same. I guess it’s not that crazy compared to all the other shit, but nobody gives Lisa Vanderpump an ultimatum and expects to get away with it. The best part was that Lisa didn’t even acknowledge it and was just like “LOL no” and moved on.
6. The Time(s) She And James Crashed Every Single Party
Season 4 Kristen delighted in showing up to events at which she was speficially banned. Let’s take a minute to acknowledge how psychotic this is. I want to jump out of my skin if I only know one person at a party I’m actually invited to. You’d have to literally put a gun to my head in order to get me to go to an event I was not invited to and where I was openly hated by everyone in attendance.
7. The Time She Punched James At Scheana’s Wedding
Don’t really have much to add here—James may be the human equivalent of gas station sushi, but nobody deserves to get punched in the face.
8. The Time She Lied About Fucking Jax & Got Away With It
It’s not so much that Kristen lied about fucking Jax (shit, I would too if I stooped that low), but that she rehearsed her lie in advance. When Stassi first confronted Kristen about the rumors, Kristen was all too eager to lend Stassi her phone—that way Stassi would text Jax from Kristen’s phone, pretending to be Kristen, and ask about their hookup, hoping Jax would confirm it happend. Confused? So am I tbh. If you watched the show, you get wtf I mean. But anyway, Jax was like “Kristen what are you talking about?” So we all thought the rumors were fake. UNTIL WE LEARNED Kristen knew Stassi would pull a maneuver like this at some point, and she and Jax rehearsed the entire scenario in advance! It’s part genius, part diabolical. Whether or not Kristen is a mad genius or just mad, this moment deserves to be remembered.
9. The Time She Collected Her Mail From Sandoval 6 Months After She Moved Out
And then she got mad at him for not answering any of her texts—but like, why the fuck would he? You guys had broken up HALF A YEAR ago. Oh, and then she called him “babe.” And then she cried and tried to convince Tom that his and Ariana’s relationship should end. One more time for the people in back: C-E-R-T-F-I-A-B-L-E.
10. The Time She Tried To Convince Ariana To Break Up With Tom
Filing this yet again under “things that are not her problem,” Kristen tried to convince Ariana that Tom was cheating on her. During the pride festival. While wearing absurd flamingo-inspired fake eyelashes. In what world did Kristen think that would work? “Hmm, my new boyfriend’s crazy ex who cheated on him and definitely doesn’t have an ulterior motive is telling me I’m being cheated on, seems legit” — said no one ever.
Honorable Mention: The Time She Called Ariana A Cunt
And said she hopes she gets hit by a truck. Calling your ex’s new girlfriend a cunt and wishing death upon her: the ultimate sign of having moved on. Bravo, Kristen.