Kris Jenner officiated a wedding this weekend, meaning the median cost of a wedding these days just went up by like $100k. TBH, this is a brilliant beyond brilliant business decision. Not that we’d expect anything less from the woman who turned her daughter’s sex tape into an empire. She could probably charge as much as one of Khloé’s 1Oak appearances for reading a paragraph and fake crying. How much would you pay for Kris Jenner to say to you, after you’ve walked down the aisle, “You’re doing amazing sweetie?” Take my money now.
The wedding was for two people you’ve probably never heard of unless you’re a teenager or some shit: Colton Haynes from Teen Wolf and Jeff Leatham, the artistic director of the Four Seasons. Idk about these two, but Kris isn’t exactly the patron saint of successful marriages. Between her two divorces, her affair, and her situationship with Corey Gamble, it doesn’t seem like her blessing means a whole lot.
But what is a Kris Jenner wedding like? I’ve seen her plan a wedding in 12 days and have her wedding suggestions ignored because Kanye doesn’t like her taste, but how does Kris “It’s An Emergency: We Don’t Have A Wine Opener” Jenner officiate a wedding?
Obvi the only way to envision this was to re-write traditional vows with a Kris flair. Feel free to use them at your own wedding:
I, Colton Haynes, take you Jeff Leatham, to be my lawfully wedded—so don’t pull a Kris Humphries and try to get an annulment 72 days from now—husband.
To have and to hold, with an airtight prenup, from this day forward. Until I file for divorce or you give a tell-all interview to Vanity Fair.
For better (a Vogue September cover), for worse (an overdose in a Las Vegas brothel).
For richer ($500,000 per Instagram post), for poorer (the annual sales of the Arthur George sock line).
In sickness (post-face lift) and in health (during a FitTea detox).
Until death, or separate homes in Calabasas, do us part.